


A Life Worth Living

by nyc11105



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Drug Abuse, F/M, Gen, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recreational Drug Use, Teen Angst, Teenage Drama, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 55,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26356039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyc11105/pseuds/nyc11105
Summary: Fellow 13 Reasons Why fans & friends … it is my pleasure to present this fanfic for you to enjoy! It’s a ten chapter season 4.A few assumptions: If something isn’t explicitly written here, assume it happened or wasn’t relevant. The story to care about is what is written here.Hope you enjoy! Xo
Relationships: Amorowat "Ani" Achola/Clay Jensen, Clay Jensen & Alex Standall, Clay Jensen & Tony Padilla, Jessica Davis & Justin Foley, Jessica Davis/Justin Foley, Justin Foley & Clay Jensen, Justin Foley & The Jensens, Justin Foley & Tony Padilla, Lainie Jensen/Matt Jensen
Comments: 40
Kudos: 56





	1. Winter Break

The sun shone brightly, beating down on the trees lining Evergreen’s quaint streets. It doesn’t know the pain and anguish of this close-knit community. It doesn’t know of the death. It doesn't know the destruction. It doesn't know the pain and torment and constant loss endured by everyone roaming the streets and hallways. 

“We spread these ashes today to honor someone dear to us.”

The words came with a quiver. And tears. Mixed with even more pain and a sense of continued loss. On top of that, a growing fear gripped the group. The ashes caught the air and floated down the valley and slowly spread throughout Evergreen; soon throughout the world to a place and a moment with no more pain. And no more sorrow. 

Off in the distance, the trees rustled their leaves and a bird suddenly started to sing. And for a second, everything paused. 

**Six Months Ago**

Clay sat at the shared desk with his bed lamp glowing in the background. The only other light was the moon outside shining through the windows and his laptop screen. He was writing his college essay that he had continued to put off but with the deadline looming, he had to get it done, regardless if he was getting any sleep these days. 

_It really comes down to one question at this point in life: Will you survive high school? Will I?_

The room had been quiet for days. When he lived in the upstairs bedroom down the hall from his parents -- his nightly home for nearly 17 years -- there was always something. A soft knock. A toilet flush. The soft sound of his parents’ television that they had forgotten to set the sleep timer on no matter how many times he’d showed them how easy it was to set each night. 

Now in the outhouse, all alone, it was just him and his fingers tapping on the keyboard. He was flirting with missing the deadline on another college application. And with Justin gone, the room was just like his back in the main house. Quiet. Lonely. Clay. 

Clay glanced at the clock: 1:55 AM. He’d been sitting at the computer for at least a few hours and he hadn’t been able to get very far. 

_It really comes down to one question at this point in life: Will you survive high school? Will I?_

Last year, I lost someone who I think I loved. But with the passage of time, I wonder now was it love? Lust? A lonely desire to be wanted? I’m not so sure anymore. All I know, all I really know is that I miss her. And him. He was my friend, too. I was there when he died after inviting me to a party because he genuinely wanted me to be happy. 

_And then over the last few months, I’ve lost two more classmates._

The words finally seemed to be coming as Clay’s fingers banged against the keyboard; the sound echoing off the outhouse’s walls. He didn’t have to worry about waking up Justin. His bed was over in the corner all nicely made up, just the way he’d left it. 

He couldn't help but think of that night just a few weeks back when he was still a suspect in a murder - Bryce’s murder - that Justin had suggested he run away again. It had stunned him that his brother would even suggest leaving. Leaving his family. Or maybe he would always be one-foot-in, one-foot-out? 

When they had first met shortly after Hannah’s death, Clay couldn’t even believe Justin knew his name. Clay hated him. Hated all the jocks. Still mostly does, but not Justin anymore. 

During the first terribly organized and managed detox in the house, Clay just wanted to get justice for Hannah. He didn’t really care about Justin. Why would he? He’d threatened and tormented him, until finally, Clay saw the truth. He hadn’t known everything. No one really does. 

But that night, he finally knew he’d found a true best friend and brother. Through all their differences, Clay was going to be there for Justin and Justin for him. Through thick and thin, murder or not, they had each other’s back. So, he was glad when he’d accepted the help to go get clean once-and-for-all. He’d never wanted a brother but now that he had one in Justin, it wasn't something he wanted to give up. He needed Justin in his life. 

_I didn’t love, or even like them. In fact, I hated them. They had hurt people I loved. I’m not sure if that makes me crazy, heartless, or honest? And now my brother, a person I used to hate because he wasn't my brother at all, is gone. Not permanently (I hope) but he’s in rehab. He’s fighting._

And all of this really begs a real question: Will I really survive? 

Drenched clothes again. Clay woke up after going to bed just a few hours before. It’s been this way since Justin left. Little sleep and new sheets nearly every night after sweating through his clothes and onto his sheets. 

Sitting on the edge of his bed, looking over and staring at the empty bed across the room from his, he rubs his eyes. This is going to be a long day, he thinks, as he sighs and works up the energy to get a quick shower before yet another day at Liberty High. 

Ever since Justin left -- for good reason and with Clay’s blessing -- he has simply been going through the motions. Get up, go to school, come home, do homework, get a few hours of sleep, then do it all again. 

“Hey Ani,” Clay says with as much enthusiasm as he can find for 8:30 in the morning on his walk into the school. He can’t wait for this part of his life to be over. The best days of your life? Fuck that. It would have been, or could have been, but first Hannah, then Jeff, then Alex, then Bryce, and now Monty. 

Ani took one look at her boyfriend. “Jesus, Clay,” she said. “No sleep again?” 

“I was up late writing that stupid essay,” he retorted. “It’s probably a stupid algorithm that reads them anyway.”

Ani laughed. She knew he probably wasn’t wrong. She, of course, had turned in all of her applications weeks and even months ago. They slowly made their way into the school, or rather teenage fortress it could be called. What with the metal detectors, cameras, and armed guards now; it was feeling less like a high school in suburbia and more like a secure daycare. 

And out of the corner of her eye, Ani catches it. Him. “Shit.” 

Clay’s head snaps. “What?!” Ani encourages Clay to not freak out. 

“It’s Winston.” Clay strains his neck and looks up ahead and sure enough, Winston, his alibi-killing Hillcrest prep kid was here. 

“What the fuck?” Clay stressed to Ani. 

She pulled him close. She lowered her voice. “Don’t worry. We will figure it out.” 

They met up again at lunch. 

Ani could immediately tell that Clay was stressed and back to what Jess had begun to dub “Clay Cray.” 

She reached out and put her hand on his thigh as he sat down with his lunch tray and tossed his backpack onto the cold laminate floor underneath. “What’s on your mind, babe?” 

Clay raised his eyes without moving his head, looking in the direction of Winston, “Him.” He twisted his head back towards Ani, the one who had been confronted by Winston outside Monet’s just a few months back. He knew the truth. And so did Ani and Clay. 

Well, he didn’t know the full truth. He just knew what wasn’t true. And now he was here. At Liberty. 

“What the fuck is he doing here?” 

Ani proceeded to tell him that she was able to find out that he had been expelled from Hillcrest and would be finishing his senior year at Liberty High. Home of the Tigers. Clay poked at his food. 

“It’s never going to be over, is it?” he signed. 

It was Hannah. And Jeff. And Bryce. And Monty. And then Bryce again. And Tyler. And … 

“Hey Ani,” Clay heard a voice enter into his stream of consciousness. It jerked him out of his own head. He felt Ani’s hand gently grip his leg.

“Hi Winston,” she responded politely while Clay looked on with a mixture of wonderment and anger. He just wanted a chance at a normal life. The last two years had been so fucked up. And now with his brother gone, he just wanted normal. 

“Nice to see you again,” Winston responded. 

“What brings,” Ani began but Clay couldn’t sit quietly anymore. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he demanded. His eyes were black. His anger real. 

Winston smirked back. “Welcome to Liberty to you too.” He paused. “Clay right?” He paused again. Clay didn’t say anything. They just stared at each other with Ani looking on. 

After what seemed like an eternity, Winston leaned down to ensure only Ani and Clay heard his response. “Clay, I’m sure Ani told you, but I know you lied. Monty didn’t kill Bryce. And I’m going to find out who did.” He stood back up and smiled again. “Hope to see you around!” And he turned and walked off. 

Ani’s hand slowly slid off Clay’s leg as his eyes slowly looked back down at his food. His hands were sweaty. Not clammy. Sweaty. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He squinted his eyes but he couldn’t focus on anything. Not his food. Not the room. Not his hands right in front of him. He started to breathe heavily. 

Ani noticed. “Clay,” she said, but he didn’t respond. “Clay,” She said a bit louder, but quiet enough to not get anyone’s attention. 

He jerked his head over, “Yeah?” he answered through labored breaths. 

“Just breathe, babe.” 

He squinted again trying to force the impending panic attack from taking over him. He’s always had panic attacks - for as long as he could remember - but ever since Justin moved in, they had become less and less frequent. But now with him gone, and Winston’s sudden arrival, they were clearly back. And back hard. 

After a few agonizing moments, he was able to re-regulate his breathing. His eyes regained their focus. 

***

Laying in bed that night, Clay lay on his back, looking up at the bare ceiling. He couldn’t help but let his mind wander to how much life had changed over the past 18 months. ‘High school will be the best years of your life,’ he remembers someone saying to him as he started his freshman year. His parents had always encouraged him to be involved, but it wasn’t easy for him. 

He was a quiet kid. And kinda weird. He loved sci-fi, and had a passion for robots. Not many kids in high school will openly admit that. He wasn’t particularly into sports. And he definitely didn’t have the stomach to ask a girl out, or really even go to dances. 

That all changed when he met Hannah that summer. She was cool and made his heart-rate slow down while fluttering at the same time. Sure, he was still awkward around her at times, but she made it easy. But he failed. He let her push him away. He got caught up in the high-school BS and he failed her. After her funeral, he did say good-bye. But he couldn’t help still feel a deep sense of loss. 

Compounded with Jeff’s death. And Tyler’s guns. And suddenly having a brother. And now that brother is gone. 

Not the best days of my life, Clay thought as he restlessly drifted off into sleep … if that’s what it can be called. 

He woke up in sweat. Covered in sweat. And he was shivering. Even his sheets were soaked. He’d woken himself up with a jolt. The monsters are real. And they won’t let go. He sat up and tossed his legs over the side of the bed. He reached up and wiped the beads of sweat off his forehead. It was the Spring Fling this time. Instead of him stopping Tyler. Tyler pulled the trigger outside the gym. 

***

The day had finally arrived: his brother was coming home. Clay had not seen Justin since his parents had driven away the Monday after Thanksgiving. The two had stayed up late the night before talking to each other about nearly everything. How Justin had treated Clay during the tapes period, Justin’s running away and life on the street, and how Justin was feeling being a part of their family. 

He’d told Clay then -- and he hoped it was still true -- that he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. That night, they shared a good laugh about how far they had come together. 

Clay sat on the edge of his bed and looked over at Justin’s still empty bed and remembered what he’d said that night. “I need you to know something. You’re my brother. You’re not my roommate or pal or bro. I love you Justin, and I want you back.” 

Now he was back. He hoped the treatment would work. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing his brother. It wasn't weird to think that this time around. Justin was his brother. He stood up and went back to the main house to wait for his dad to get back. He joined his mom in the kitchen making Christmas cookies. 

“Are you ready to have Justin back?” his mom asked, sliding another pan of cookies into the oven. She looked back at Clay who wasn’t sure how to respond. 

“Yeah,” he started, then paused. “I mean … yeah. It will be good to have him back.” He almost told her about his conversation with Justin and the meaning behind it, but he stopped. He’d always had panic attacks and feelings of anxiety, but with Justin in the family, he’d been able to calm himself down more. But with him gone for the last four weeks, he’d regressed. Nightmares were back. He wasn’t sleeping much. 

Laine knew there was more to what was on his mind, but Clay had never been one to be open about his feelings. They’d tried with counseling in the past and she and Matt had wanted him to go back, but he always resisted. He was stubborn like that. 

Luckily for Clay’s sake, they heard the car doors shut in the driveway. Clay felt his chest tighten. Laine untied her apron and waited eagerly for the door to open. 

Matt, in his always-excited demeanor announced, “We’re home!” as the door swung open. 

Laine barely let Justin sit his bag down before she had him wrapped in a giant-sized mom-hug. And Justin didn’t seem to mind. A lot had changed in four weeks, but a lot also hadn’t. He looked forward to sharing everything with the family -- in time. For now, the smell of cookies and a happy family was perfect. 

When she finally let go, Clay was standing there waiting. He was his normal, awkward-self, but Justin didn’t hesitate. He walked straight to Clay and wrapped his arms around him in the strongest hug he could muster. They didn’t say a word. And when their embrace ended, they stood close and just looked at each other, smiled, and nodded. 

Laine, unable to contain her excitement to finally have the family back together, broke the silence, “Who wants cookies?” 

“Yes!” Justin exclaimed. 

That night, back in the outhouse, Clay wasn’t sure what to say or what was okay to even talk about. Justin slipped off his shirt and sat down at the edge of his bed. Clay was sitting on his bed, looking at his brother. Finally back. But there was this weirdness between them. They both felt it. 

“What’s wrong?” Justin asked. 

Clay gesticulated lightly, and looked up. “I … I missed you. And I’m not sure what to talk about or what I can ask?” His voice went up at the end; he was nervous even though he knew Justin would never judge or be mad at him for being honest and open with him. 

“Clay,” Justin began with a pause. “Part of my treatment and recovery is being open with those closest to me … that includes you.” He paused again. “What do you want to know?” 

“I don’t know …” he started. “What’d you talk about while you were there?” 

“Oh jeez … lots of things really.” Justin looked up towards the ceiling wondering how to summarize 28-days worth of conversations and therapy sessions. “I talked about my mom, her boyfriends, my time basically living with Bryce; I talked about it all really.” 

Clay thought for a moment. Bryce. His palms immediately clammed up. “What’d you say about Bryce?” 

“I mean, it was nothing really that you don’t already know,” Justin responded. “Just about how he often took care of me, was my brother for a long time, but how he did all this bad shit and made my life, and my friends’ life worse. I came to realize what a bad fucking influence he actually was on my life even with the dinners and shoes and all that.” 

Clay just sat and listened to his brother explain what he’d learned through his therapy. Justin would always miss Bryce. He’d been there when no one else was. But he’d come to recognize the relationship … whatever it was … was toxic. Everything in his life really had been until meeting Hannah Baker put him on a collision course with Clay. But Justin didn’t say exactly that to him. Some things he wasn’t ready to share with Clay just yet. 

“Are you okay?” Clay asked, tentatively. 

Justin offered a half-smile. “Of course, start with the loaded question.” That got a laugh out of Clay. “I’m as okay as I can be right now. I’m clean if that’s what you’re asking. I feel safe. I feel grounded. It feels good to be back here, at home with you and … actually, can I ask you something?”

Clay nodded. 

“One of the things I learned through all the group sessions and with my counselor is how my experiences with my mom, my dad abandoning me, and then everything with Bryce, is that I have never been stable my whole life.” Clay didn’t say a word. He just let Justin talk. “And obviously when you asked me if I wanted to be adopted, I was like ‘what the fuck?!’ I barely know you and you basically hated me until then. And I’ll always miss and love my mom, but she,” he paused. He bit back tears. “She never really wanted to be a mom to me. So, even with her, I was just an obstacle. But not here. Not with you in the outhouse, or with Matt and Laine.” 

A silence fell between them. Clay could sense there was more and didn’t want to interrupt his thoughts with a stupid, ill-timed joke. 

He began again. “I guess I need to ask you something, and you can say no if you want. You helped give me a home. You’re my brother. And your parents, Matt and Laine have become my family. If it’s okay with you … I mean … I want to …” he hesitated. 

Clay pushed him. “Justin?” 

“Would you be mad if I started to call them mom and dad?” 

Clay stared at Justin. He hadn’t really thought of what Justin had been calling his parents. It started as Mr. & Mrs. Jensen. Come to think of it, that really didn’t change until they neared the actual adoption date. But then it transitioned into Matt and Laine. But legally, they were mom and dad. 

“I mean,” Clay began, still processing and not wanting to say something wrong or that he didn’t mean. “I guess?” Justin didn’t respond. It wasn’t quite the answer he was hoping for, but Clay didn’t immediately laugh at him or shoot him down. It was a step. He’d cross that bridge again soon.

Matt & Laine hoped this holiday would be a bit calmer and with a few less drug-use revelations. They stayed up late getting all the gifts ready and reveling in the fact that both of their boys were home. They weren’t perfect and they kept secrets, but their family was finally full. When they crawled into bed, their hearts were full. 

Clay and Justin layed down around midnight after talking a bit more; about nothing in particular. Justin didn’t have the energy yet to cover hard topics, and Clay was just thankful to have him back in the outhouse. 

As Justin curled under his blankets, Clay lay on his back looking up at the ceiling. “Justin,” he began, “I’m glad you’re back.” 

“Me too.” 

And now it was finally Christmas morning. Santa came! Even with the last 30-plus days of drug use, Thanksgiving, and then rehab, Justin was like a kid in a candy store. He was up first and he didn’t even bother to shower. He left Clay in the outhouse and made his way to the main house. He turned the coffee pot on and peaked into the living room. There were presents everywhere. 

He’d never seen anything like it. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He’d seen it like this at Bryce’s every fucking year. But he was never really a part of it. He’d always wake up in his own apartment. No tree. Maybe a present or two. Definitely no fancy dinner or Christmas movies. 

He sat on the couch admiring the life he had been given while sipping a hot cup of coffee. He was at peace. 

Matt was the first one down the stairs. “Merry Christmas, kiddo!” he said excitedly. Justin smiled. Matt was like a kid in a candy store, just like himself! “Clay’s not up?” 

“No, I thought he should sleep,” Justin responded. “I made some coffee for us.” 

Matt sat down next to Justin before grabbing a cup for himself. “Hey,” he started, patting his newest son’s knee. “We’re so glad you’re back. And I want you to know, we are always going to be here for you. This family sticks together. Okay?” 

“Thank you,” Justin replied, softly. 

Matt stood up to go get his coffee. “No need to say thank you. It’s what family does.” He took a sip. “Well done on the coffee,” he said, tipping his mug. “Why don’t you go get Clay? We need to see what Santa brought!” 

Justin rolled his eyes, but was secretly over the moon. He sat his mug gently onto the table and headed to the outhouse. 

He entered the room and walked over to Clay’s bed. He immediately noticed the sheets were soaked. He knelt down beside the bed and gently pushed on Clay’s shoulder. “Clay,” he said. 

That’s all Clay needed to spring up, surprising Justin jumped up. “Jesus. Fuck, Clay.” 

“Sorry,” Clay sighed. 

Standing up over his brother, Justin asked, “Did you even get any sleep?” 

“Why?” 

“Dude, you were talking in your sleep all fucking night.” 

Clay rubbed his eyes. Just another night he thought to himself. He went to the bathroom to get cleaned up, leaving his mess-of-a-bed behind for later. Justin just stood there, watching his brother. He knew he had anxiety in the past, but had never seen him like this. He just looked … worn out. He knew the feeling. 

Emerging from the bathroom, Justin walked towards him and didn’t stop until he’d wrapped him in a warm embrace. “Merry Christmas, Clay.” 

“Yeah,” Clay responded. “Merry Christmas.”

They headed up to the main house and while walking, Justin asked one last time, “Dude, you sure you’re okay?” 

Clay reached for the door. “Yeah. Fine.” 

Laine was now up and she and Matt were standing in the kitchen, coffee cups in hand. 

“Merry Christmas,” the parents said in unison. Clay gave them both a hard eye-roll. Justin on the other hand, chuckled and responded in kind, “Merry Christmas.” 

The boys got some coffee, Justin’s second cup, Clay’s first, and then Laine corralled her three boys to the Christmas tree. “Mom,” Clay sighed. “You overdid it.” 

Laine was having nothing of it. “Stop, Clay.” She protested. “It’s been a tough year and it’s Justin’s first Christmas with us so we wanted to celebrate.”

Justin just sat on the floor, eagerly waiting for whatever was next. At Bryce’s, when he would be there on Christmas morning, everyone would open gifts in a scene of utter chaos, then leave the room, retiring to their separate rooms. This already felt different. They were in their PJs, drinking coffee and eating cookies. 

One-by-one they went around the room opening presents and showing off their gifts. Justin had never really shopped for Christmas gifts before and he had no idea what was right or how much to spend on each person. He hoped he’d gotten enough. 

For Matt, he’d bought a mix of craft coffee. Before he’d gone to rehab, he and Matt would often share a cup of coffee before anyone else got up. “I love it,” Matt exclaimed, raising one of the bags to his nose. 

For Laine, he’d found a book meant for a mother and son to share. It was kind of like a journal, but more an ongoing questionnaire. Laine cried when she opened it and saw what it was. “This is … I’m overwhelmed,” was all she could say as she flipped through the book, noticing Justin had already begun to fill in some of his pages. 

And for Clay, his brother, he had asked an artsy classmate to draw one of Clay’s favorite robots, with a caricature of them both for the outhouse. “Justin,” Clay said, holding the drawing in his hands, “This is amazing. I love it!” 

Justin let out a sigh of relief. It was the least he could do for his new family. 

The rest of the crew continued to open their gifts. New phones, clothes, and a few books. Justin was overwhelmed. He’d never had a Christmas like this. Or a birthday. He still was not used to this “normal” life he was now living. 

Clay got up to refill his coffee mug now that all the presents were opened. 

“Oh, wait,” Matt said as he reached under the couch. “We have one more!” Justin watched in anticipation. Matt held it in his hand for a second before handing it over to him. 

“You want me to open it?” he asked. 

Clay stood in the doorway, looking over, slightly annoyed. He walked over to Justin as he tore open the surprise gift. He quickly realized what it was. The picture he’d asked for of the new family. 

“Oh man, this is great,” Justin said. 

“Yeah, its perfect,” Clay agreed. 

“Go put it up on the fireplace,” Matt said. 

Clay and his parents watched as Justin got up, walked to the fireplace, and put the first family photo on the mantle. They were a family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this wasn’t too long! I initially liked the way the series ended, but the more I sat on it, the more I hated it. It didn’t feel right. I hope you enjoy the rewrite of season 4.
> 
> To check out some of my other writings, follow me on social, or sign up for my awesome newsletter, go to my website: https://www.richarddedor.com/13-reasons-why-by-richard-dedor


	2. The Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your excitement for this story. I’m touched and humbled by the response. I can’t wait to share with you where I take our beloved characters. 
> 
> "The water comes in; it crashes and destroys and torments and rocks. And when it goes out, a calm appears. And rests."
> 
> A few assumptions: If something isn’t explicitly written here, assume it happened or wasn’t relevant. The story to care about is what is written here. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! Xo

_ Clay: Is this Winston?  _

_ Winston: Maybe. Who tf is this?  _

_ Clay: It’s Clay. From school _

_ Winston: Ah… Good ‘ol Clay Jensen. And to what do I owe this text message?  _

_ Clay: Answer me this- why did you come to Liberty?  _

_ Winston: That’s what you want to ask me? I figured it would be a hard one. Since I’m feeling generous, I’ll tell you the truth. I got expelled. It just happens to be a bonus that I can now figure out who framed Monty.  _

_ Clay: Why do you even care?  _

_ Winston: Why don’t you care?  _

_ Clay: Don’t you know what he did? _

_ Winston: Why don’t you care, Clay?  _

_ Clay: Bc I don’t. I just don’t. The world is better without him. _

_ Winston: And that’s the fucked up part.  _

_ Clay: You don’t know shit, Winston. And the sooner you do the sooner you can move on _

_ Winston: No, Clay. We both know Monty didn’t do it. _

  
  


It took a few days, but Justin re-adjusted to life with the Jensen’s. He was back to morning coffee in the kitchen. Sometimes alone. Sometimes with Matt. He often just sat in silence with the warm coffee cup with steam rising between his hands. 

While at treatment, he had coffee every day with his fellow residents, but this was different. He was … home. And he wasn’t going to let this chance, this life, slip through his fingers. 

Part of his recovery process, and what he’d learned at treatment, was forgiving those who had wronged him in the past. That included Bryce. And Seth. Fucking Seth. And all the other boyfriends his mother had brought to live with them. 

And he had to forgive his mom. She did her best and he knew that now. And at some point, he needed to tell Matt and Laine, and especially Clay, everything he learned from his time away. 

But for now, he was content to sit in the kitchen. Coffee in hand. Home. With his family. 

Out in the outhouse, Clay was not having a similarly comfortable morning. At this point, he no longer knows what that means. He was up late again last night. Justin had gone to sleep by the time Clay started texting Winston. And when he stopped texting, he just layed there. It was early … again … by the time he finally passed out. 

And now, waking up, with the sun already shining through the windows and Justin’s bed empty, Clay was again laying in his sweat. He did not feel rested. 

He reached over and looked at his phone. No texts. One calendar reminder: Therapy, 11:00 am. 

Fuck. His parents had practically begged him to go back to therapy after he was arrested for Bryce’s murder and to just stop them asking, he said yes. 

He’d been going for a few weeks and nothing had really changed; at least he didn’t think so, but he was hoping maybe this time it would help. 

Every day since returning home, Justin has been getting up early. He’d kind of been that way before treatment and especially since returning, he’s been up before him every single day. Lately, he’d found him in the main kitchen drinking coffee with one or both of his parents. The cards had definitely been turned on who the “good son” was in the family. Of course his parents would never say that, but everyone could feel it. 

Feeling the warm water slide down his body was the best part of his day. Always. He felt free in the shower. Safe. Like no one and nothing could overtake his mind or make him deviate from his plan. It was just him. While the world outside continued to fuck with him. 

It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. Not at 17. There were moments of freedom, but those had been happening less and less. He knew it. But the dark clouds had only gathered strength over the past weeks. And just when he thought maybe they were clearing up, Winston came back into the picture. It was just never going to end. Maybe he should have bolted and not come back to support Tyler at the assembly. He would at least be free of this life. He would not have to face the constant threat of the truth coming out. It’s ironic now. He fought so hard to get Hannah’s truth out there and now all he wanted was the secrets to be kept. 

“Jensen!” broke his trance. It was Justin. Clay poked his head out of the shower. 

“Yeah?” 

He shoved another bite of toast into his mouth. He had his black Monet’s t-shirt on. “I have to get to work. You good?” 

Clay made a face back. “Yeah? I’m fine.” He slid the curtain shut again. “I’ll see you tonight.” And he left it at that. 

Justin stood in the doorway for a few more seconds wondering if he should say something more. Maybe he should really ask how he was doing. Maybe he shouldn’t let Clay get off the hook that easily. He knew he wasn’t okay. But he also knew Clay. If he wasn’t ready then pushing him would only make him tighten up on himself even more. 

So, he slid the door shut and headed off for work. 

*****

Justin had arranged to get to work a bit early. He had texted Alex the day before and asked to meet for coffee. They were never going to be best friends. But they both cared about Clay and in that, they had a shared purpose. 

He saw Alex at the counter. “Hey Alex,” Justin offered as he got to the counter. 

“You’re early Foley,” his manager said. 

“Yeah, I’m meeting a friend for coffee before my shift.” 

His manager smiled. He’d taken a risk in hiring Justin but he had learned fast how to work the espresso machine and was great with customers. “Sounds good. These are on the house.” And he slid Alex’s latte and Justin’s straight black coffee across the counter. 

“Thanks Max,” Justin said, directing Alex to the cozy area of the shop. 

As they sat down, Justin didn’t waste any time. 

“Thanks for meeting me,” Justin offered. 

“You said it was important,” Alex responded, taking a sip of his warm latte. It felt good in his hands on this cool winter’s morning. 

“It’s Clay.” 

Alex’s head immediately popped up. “What? What’s going on?” 

Justin sighed. “He’s … he’s not doing well. And I know I just got back and everything, but he’s worse.” 

He went on to explain about him talking in his sleep. His anger. His night sweats. And two nights before, he’d woken himself screaming. 

“What should we do?” Alex finally asked. 

“I don’t know,” Justin responded. “I just needed to talk to someone about him. I’m worried. I want to help, I just don’t know how.” 

Alex thought for a second. “He’s going to therapy, right?” 

“Yeah. He’s actually there right now.” 

“I guess that’s good, right?” Alex said. “Do his parents know?” 

“I mean, they know he needs help which is why they sent him to therapy,” he answered. “But they have no idea about the other stuff.”

“Maybe you should tell them?” Alex offered. 

“Clay would hate me,” Justin responded. 

Clay always wants to do things on his own and his own way. He wanted to be the one to help people and take care of his own shit. But it clearly wasn’t working. He wasn’t helping others. And he certainly wasn’t helping himself. 

After a few moments of soft silence between the two, Alex broke it. 

“How are you doing?” he asked. 

It wasn’t like Alex to care about Justin. It took Justin aback. 

“I’m okay. Each day is another step forward. It’s good to be home and Matt and Laine have been great. But I’m just focusing on me and my own health right now. But I’m worried about Clay.” 

Alex interrupted him. “No, I asked about you.” 

“I know,” Justin sighed. “He’s just … “ He paused. Thinking about his words carefully. “He’s just the most important person in the world to me.” 

Alex sighed in return. “Yeah.” Then he chuckled. “You know I don’t like you very much, right?” 

Justin laughed, taking a sip of his coffee. “Yeah, I kinda knew that. I just wanted to talk to you because you know Clay and care about him. And yeah, we haven’t been good friends. But, I also wanted to apologize to you if I ever hurt you, or made you feel bad.” 

He was starting to make amends. 

“Did Hannah or Jess ever tell you about FML?” 

“FML?” 

Alex began to explain. “Yeah, FML was a club Hannah, Jess, and I created. We’d come here, have coffee, and talk about how we hated the school, the people, and all that shit. But then I started dating Jess and hurt Hannah and then FML fell apart. I don’t know why I am telling you this ‘cause now it sounds kinda stupid.” 

“No,” Justin responded. “It’s kind of nice to hear. We’re all a little FML, aren’t we?” 

They both laughed. “That we are,” Alex agreed. 

Across town, Clay sat on Dr. Ellman’s couch. The office hadn’t changed much since Clay had first gone there years ago. It was cozy. And welcoming. And as a teenager now, Clay didn’t hate going. It was nice to be able to talk. But he still didn’t know the point of these sessions this time around. 

“How are you sleeping?” Dr. Ellman asked. 

“A few hours a night. I wake up tired and usually covered in sweat.” 

“Why do you think that is?” 

“Because my life is fucked up,” Clay laments. 

“Why is it fucked up?” Clay sits in silence while he thinks of his response to the question. 

“Let’s see. Where do I begin?” He laughed. “A girl I liked killed herself. Another girl I liked went fucking crazy. We adopted a drug addict. And, well, I was arrested for murder. So, yeah, I’m fucked up.” 

The room filled with silence for a moment. “Clay, you’ve been coming to me for years. I know a lot about you. Do you let others help you?” 

The question caught him off guard. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah? Elaborate on that.” 

Clay sighed. He hated questions like this. “I don’t need help. Other people need more help than I do. Hannah needed help and I wasn’t there. Sky needed help and she wouldn’t let me. I guess I helped Justin but somedays I feel like he resents me or can’t wait until he’s 18. And now everyone thinks I killed Bryce. And it just makes me wanna …” He stops himself. 

“Makes you want to do what?” 

“Just quit. I don’t know.” 

“Are you thinking of hurting yourself, Clay?” 

“No!” He plopped back down on the couch. “It’s not like that. I’m just tired of solving everyone else’s problems.”

“Do you want someone to help you?” 

Clay didn’t immediately respond. Dr. Ellman let the question hang in the air for a minute. 

“Isn’t that what we’re doing here, Clay? Helping you? You’ve had anxiety for years. I think it is time to ask it a question.” 

“Ask what a question?” Clay asked. 

“Your anxiety,” Dr. Ellman responded. “Ask it what it wants.” 

*****

Justin had put in a pre-work coffee with Alex, a full eight hour shift, and now he was meeting with Jess, for yes, more coffee. 

He was tired but needed to see her. After 28 days away and only seeing her his first day back, he was looking forward to a warm embrace. 

They had agreed to meet down by the water. There were little bakeries, pizzarias, and quant stores. By the time Justin rounded the corner, he saw Jess waiting along the railing just outside La Joli. 

She smiled as soon as she saw him. Even through all of the pain and drama of the past few years, Justin has been a rock for her. She and Alex had their ups and downs. And she had pushed Hannah away. And even with Justin’s time on the street, she knew he was her person. The 28 days had been terribly hard. She hung out with Clay a few times, but she and Clay just weren’t friends in that way. She met with Alex a few times, but Alex always seemed to still have feelings for her which made the time awkward. 

Justin was the one who helped ground her. Who helped her feel like herself. 

She wrapped her arms around his neck and he pulled her close. “Hey Jess,” he said as he hugged her tight. She didn’t want to break the embrace, but she also wanted to kiss him. She released slightly and pulled her head back and placed her lips against his. They both closed their eyes. There on the boardwalk it was just them. Justin and Jess. They were the “it” couple. 

“Have you ordered yet?” Justin asked as he let his arms slide off her. 

She dropped her arms and grabbed his hand with hers, “No, I was waiting for you.” They walked hand in hand to the counter and ordered. Justin didn't get a black coffee this time, just a warm tea. Jess went with the same thing Alex had ordered earlier, a simple warm latte. 

They walked along the water, hand in hard, slowly. Jess caught him up on everything that had happened at school to end the year; the dramas, the breakups, the hookups, the parties. Justin told her a little about his time at rehab. He mentioned working the program and just keeping his life simple. 

“It’s good to have you back Justin,” Jess said in response to nothing in particular. 

The comment made Justin smile. He’d never felt like he actually fit in or had a place. But over the last year, getting out from under Bryce’s thumb and away from the toxic circle he had been in had freed him to become his own person; his own man. 

“It’s good to be back,” he agreed. Not much had changed now that he was back in Evergreen. He was back to working, school was out for winter break, and he was spending the nights with Matt and Laine and sometimes Clay. 

Jess took the moment to express her feelings. “I’ve missed you, Justin.” She reached over and grabbed his hand. He squeezed it back and took a sip of his tea. 

He pulled her over to the side and leaned against the railing overlooking the water. Jess began to tell him about Christmas and her siblings and how much fun they have been having over break. 

“Jess,” Justin interrupted. “I can’t do this.” 

“What do you mean?” she asked. 

“I mean,” he began. He pulled his hand from hers and threw his head back. And took a deep breath. “I can’t be with you. I … we need to break up.” 

“What?” Jess exclaimed. “You’re breaking up with me? After all we’ve been through? After I stood by you?” 

“Jess, it’s not like that,” Justin fought back. Tears welling in his eyes. “I just need to focus on me and my own health right now and I can’t be worried about you or making anyone else happy.” 

She sighed. “Oh, so I’m a burden now. I’m fine. I don’t need anything from you … just you, Justin!” 

He turned and looked at her. And paused, looking into her eyes. “Jess, you mean the world to me. But if I stay with you right now, I’m … I’m not going to be focused on staying sober. This is about me taking care of me and that is the most important thing. You know I love you and would do anything for you,” he continued. Tears had now slipped out of his eyes and had rolled down his cheeks. “But I need to make sure I stay sober and right now, that is the most important thing to me.” 

Jess stood there. She had turned her head to look out over the water. “But I can help you,” she countered, looking over at him. 

“It’s not like that,” Justin said. “I have to do this on my own. For me.” 

He joined her in looking out over the water. The waves were quietly crashing against the wall. 

Splash. Splash. Splash. An ever constant and rhythmic counter against the hustle and bustle of the shoppers and diners behind him. It wasn’t all that different than the battle constantly being waged in his head. 

The water comes in; it crashes and destroys and torments and rocks. And when it goes out, a calm appears. And rests. 

*****

“One of the great things about Sanderson is its size,” the tour guide said, walking backward giving the Liberty senior class their official tour. “The classes are small and your professors actually teach your classes, not a teacher’s assistant.” 

She pointed towards the big grassy area, “And as you can see, college life is engaging, vibrant, and unique. Does anyone have any questions?” 

Walking in the front of the group, a place he never imagined he’d even be standing, Justin quickly tossed out a question, “What if I don’t know what I want to study?” 

Clay was in the back of the pack, trying to avoid being seen by his dad who had joined the tour as the faculty guide. He hadn’t wanted to come to the tour. Partially because he already knew the campus but also because he didn’t want to go to Sanderson. He wanted to get away. He needed to get away. That is, if he could even get in anywhere at this point. His applications were half-assed at best and some were even late. 

“Great question,” the guide began. “Most students are in the same boat when they get here. And they take a few classes and get a sense of the material and their passions. This isn’t like high school where you have to take certain classes. You can really explore your passions and see what sticks. For instance, I began as pre-med, but after one year, decided that wasn’t the right path for me and am going into teaching instead.” 

Justin nodded in understanding. He had never really even thought he would go to college but now it was a real possibility and he wanted to make the right decision. He wasn’t sure how he would pay for it, but he knew he wanted to go now. He had a chance and he wasn’t going to let it pass him by. 

No one else was asking any questions, so Justin decided to ask another. “What about the cost … isn’t it expensive to go here?” That got a laugh out of his classmates. 

Even the tour guide had a bit of a chuckle. “It’s true, Sanderson is more expensive than say UCLA or San Francisco State, but we offer a one-on-one teaching environment and a really close-knit community. Here, you can walk or ride your bike everywhere. When you go here you become a part of the community, the culture, the energy. That’s what sets us apart.” 

As the tour continued, Justin kept asking questions and to Matt, looked like a kid in a candy store. It was amazing to see the kid who had first come into their home, broken, high, and scared, and now see him picturing himself at college. 

He stepped off to the side, looking for Clay to walk by. He saw him towards the back of the pack. He knew Clay didn’t really want to go to Sanderson. He’d grown up with it and was probably ready to be away from him and Laine. But he wished he was taking the process a bit more serious. “Clay!” he said, trying to catch his attention. 

Clay immediately turned his head and tried to wave him off, but his dad motioned for him to come over. 

“Having fun, kiddo?” 

“Yeah, tons.” 

Matt sighed. “Look, I know you don’t want to go here, but keep your options open. How are your applications coming?” 

Clay was not in the mood to deal with a parental conversation at this moment. “They are fine,” was all he said. 

“If you want me to read any of your essays, you know I’m happy to,” he offered. 

“Dad,” Clay said, “can we not do this now?” 

“Okay okay,” Matt relented. “I’ll let you get back to your friends, but let’s talk about it tonight.” 

That night at dinner, all Justin could talk about was the tour and how awesome it was to see the campus up close and personal. Laine could see how excited Justin was about the prospect of college, and Sanderson specifically. Clay was less engaged. 

“The campus was really beautiful,” Justin began. “I can’t believe having lived here my whole life that I never noticed it before.” 

“Clay,” Laine began, “what did you think of the tour?” 

“It was great. Nothing I hadn’t seen though.” 

Matt interjected, “If you boys want, I would be happy to set up a meeting with the dean so she can get to know you.” 

Justin almost jumped out of his chair. “That would be great!” Matt was thrilled to see Justin excited about it; less so seeing Clay brush it off. 

Clay didn’t want to talk about college anymore so he gently changed the conversation to the upcoming robot convention coming to town. 

Free from the weight of college, Clay finally climbed into his bed around 1 a.m. Justin had been asleep for a few hours while he stayed up and read comics and scrolled through Facebook. Clay saw a notification pop up on his phone sitting on his nightstand. 

_ Winston: Enjoy the tour today? Lol _

_ Clay: Fuck off _

_ Winston: That was your dad, wasn’t it?  _

_ Clay: yeah _

_ Winston: Does he know the truth?  _

_ Clay: which? _

_ Winston: That Monty didn’t kill Bryce?  _

_ Clay: He knows I didn’t. So, there’s that.  _

_ Winston: Funny how everyone defended you, but no one was with you … and I saw you go after Bryce on the field.  _

_ Clay didn’t respond.  _

_ Winston: yeah, I saw it.  _

_ Clay: doesn’t mean shit _

_ Winston: Or it means everything.  _


	3. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your excitement for this story. I’m touched and humbled by the response. I can’t wait to share with you where I take our beloved characters. 
> 
> "The water comes in; it crashes and destroys and torments and rocks. And when it goes out, a calm appears. And rests."
> 
> A few assumptions: If something isn’t explicitly written here, assume it happened or wasn’t relevant. The story to care about is what is written here. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! Xo

_Winston: Nothing to say to that?_

_Clay: Nope. No reason to_

_Winston: I think you should, Clay. I know you think you got away with it, but Monty was innocent. I know it. You know it. And you know what, maye you didn’t do it, but you sure as hell know you did. Don’t you?_

_Clay: Was Monty gay?_

_Winston: He was a human being_

_Clay: That wasn’t my question._

_Winston: Maybe he was. Maybe he wasn’t. But that night, the night Bryce died, he was with me._

_Clay: And now he’s dead too. So, what does it matter? I didn’t kill Monty. Someone in jail did. So, what’s the big deal?_

_Winston: Because everyone needs to know the truth._

_Clay: Your truth? Monty’s? Bryce’s? Hannah’s? It doesn’t fucking matter anymore. I’m done. Leave me the fuck alone._

_Winston: I don’t think so. I haven’t found the truth yet. And until I do, I’m going to keep asking you and Ani and Luke and Diego and anyone else. Have a good day Clay._

“You should come with us,” Clay asks one last time as he tightens his tie. He looks into the mirror and checks his collar. Ever since Justin had told him he’d broken up with Jess, he’d been keeping a closer eye on him. And he wanted him to go if for no other reasons than so he wasn’t alone all night. 

Justin refused again. “Nah, you go and have a good time. I don’t want to be a third wheel. Plus, you and Ani need some alone time. I know it’s been rough lately.” 

“That’s putting it mildly. I hope tonight helps get us back on the right track.” 

Justin walked up behind him as Clay continued to look at himself in the mirror. Looking into the mirror and back at Clay, he slapped his hand on his shoulder. “You look good, Clay. Have a good time.” 

Clay spun around and looked at his brother. So much had changed since he moved in. Most of it for the better. Some worse. But through it all, he was glad Justin had become his brother. Clay reached out to Justin and pulled him in for a hug. It didn’t happen often but this moment felt right. As Clay held him close, just for a second, he replied, “I love you, brother.” 

They broke their embrace. Justin responded, “Me too.” 

He looked down at his watch. It was time to go. 

“Alright, I better go,” Clay said motioning to the door. “Sure you don’t want to join?” 

“I’m sure. Go! Dance!” 

Clay closed the door to the outhouse behind him leaving Justin all alone. He wanted to go. And he really didn’t care about being a third-wheel. But he didn’t think he could be there at the dance. He’d run into Jess. Or Diego. Or another one of Bryce’s friends and he wasn’t ready for that yet. Of course he’d see them at school, but he could limit that exposure. Since leaving rehab two months before, he’d been doing really well. But he still didn’t want to chance it. 

He grabbed his wallet and keys and locked the outhouse behind him. He walked up into the main house to grab a quick bite to eat. He found Matt and Laine sitting in the kitchen eating some takeout. 

“Oh, hey kiddo,” Matt welcomed him. “Decided not to go?” 

“Nah,” Justin responded. “I’m not ready for that yet.” 

Matt and Laine looked at each other. They knew recovery would be hard, but this hurt them. They wanted Justin to be a kid. They wanted him to have all the fun experiences he could. Not only just because he was a kid, but so that he could have as normal a life as possible. 

“Clay take off?” Matt asked. 

“Yeah, just a few minutes ago,” Justin responded, pulling a plate from the cupboard and sitting down at his customary spot at the table. 

He thought back to some of his earlier days at the Jensen house sitting at this same table. He always felt like it was just a fancy shelter. He had been given his destiny and he would live it. He’d testify, then the Jensen’s would send him on his way. Maybe he’d go back to living with his mom or maybe just end up back on the streets again. Never did he imagine they would ask to adopt him. But sliding into his chair as Laine handed him the box of lo mein noodles, he knew this was his destiny. This family. No matter how much he and Clay had hated each other and treated each other like shit over the years, all of that was gone. 

“We are just going to hang out here and watch a movie tonight,” Matt began, “if you wanted to join us. 

Justin had already stuffed his mouth full. Before speaking he waved off the offer. “Thanks but,” he kept chewing. Typical teenager. “I’m actually going to go to a meeting tonight.” 

“That’s great,” Matt responded. Every time the issue of Justin’s sobriety came up, a part of his stomach tightened. He didn't know if the trip to a meeting was because he was feeling more anxiety and needed a hit or if it was just a check in type of thing. Laine asked for him. 

“Is everything okay, Justin?” she asked. 

He nodded. “Yeah, everything is good. I just want to go and keep up with it. Kerba found this group for me and they seemed good the last time.”

“Good,” Laine responded while reaching over and patting the top of Justin’s hand. 

Justin had been thinking about group and therapy for awhile. He’d wanted to ask Matt and Laine something for a few weeks, but hadn’t had the guts to ask them. But as he neared the end of his noodles, he decided he should just rip the band-aid off as quickly as possible. 

“One thing I did want to ask was about my therapy and the group meetings,” he began. Both Matt and Laine looked up. They had his attention. “At some point -- not today or anything -- but I’d like you both to come with me. And Clay too.” 

They looked at each other, thinking of what to say next. Matt took the lead. “Yeah, of course kiddo. Whatever you need, we will be there.” In their heart of hearts, they knew Justin would always be an addict. They wished it weren’t so and wished they could take it all away, but he was working the steps, working the program, and they could see he was really trying. 

Back in the early days with Justin, he didn’t want to be anywhere but the house. He thoroughly enjoyed movie nights just sitting on the floor with a bowl of popcorn, in between them both. Late one night after he’d gone to bed, they were in their own bed talking about Justin and realized that the simple act of a Saturday night movie with popcorn must have been so foreign and child-like that he clearly just wanted experiences like that. They pledged there, in that moment, to do all they could to give Justin as much of a childhood as they could in the time he had left being a kid. Going to meetings and therapy didn’t really fit into that plan, but if it protects their son and gives him a future he deserves, then they were all for it. 

Clay and Ani arrived at the dance, walking through the overly designed “Love is Love” decor. Ani clutched his arm with one hand and held his hand with her other. She genuinely loved him. His personality, his charm, and their shared interests. It wasn’t easy finding someone as into robots and sci-fi as herself. 

For his part, Clay also really cared for Ani. She was cool and didn’t mind his little quirks. And well, she helped save him from prison. He couldn’t forget that. Tonight was going to be fun. It was time to start having fun and enjoying the final few months of life as a true teenager and high school student. Life was far from perfect but this was a chance to at least start moving in that direction. 

Off in the distance, he saw Zach and his current “girlfriend”, Tony, Cy, his sister, Jess, and Charlie. They worked their way over to them to say hi. Ever since the breakup, Jess had been more focused than ever on H.O. and hadn't been to the outhouse once. She was keeping her distance from Justin. Clay knew his brother missed her. He hadn’t told him much of the breakup, but he thought he understood why Justin did it. Nevertheless, he worried about him. Ever since he snuck Justin into the house after finding him in Oakland, he’d been protecting him. But he knew he couldn’t protect him from the magnet of drugs. All he could do was be there. Always. 

The group welcomed Clay and Ani into their growing circle. Jess and Ani hugged. “You look … stunning,” was all Ani could say while looking at Jess. 

“Well, I’m single and ready to mingle!” Jess laughed. She looked over at Clay. “Sorry Clay.” 

He shrugged. “Nothing to apologize for to me. Mingle away.” The group rolled their eyes at Clay’s bad attempt at a joke. 

“Wanna dance?” Ani asked Clay, still holding onto his arm. She wanted to make tonight as special as possible. With this dance, she was already ahead of all the other schools she had gone to over the years. She had begged her mom to let her finish her high school career at Liberty. She hadn’t stayed at one school for more than a year or so for a while but now she had a good group of friends and a boyfriend; a boyfriend that lately was more interested in Winston or Justin or the “cover up.” than her, but she still loved him. He made her laugh and loved the same things she did. Clay agreed to join her on the dance floor. 

He had never been big on dances, but since Justin had started to drag him out to these stereotypical high school events, he had become a bit more comfortable. Well, not comfortable, but at least not full of anxiety. 

The song playing had everyone dancing. The room had hundreds of teenagers jumping around full of energy. In front of Clay stood a beautiful young woman whom he adored. And all he could see, the thing raising his blood pressure just a few minutes into the night was the sight of Alex talking to Winston. And they weren’t just saying ‘hi.’ It seemed like they knew each other. 

Clay stopped dancing and reached out, grabbing Ani’s hand. He leaned in to yell into her ear. “Are Alex and Winston friends?” 

“Clay,” she responded, clearly annoyed at the question. “I don’t know. Just let it go. For tonight?” She pulled him close and worked to get him dancing with her again. He started, but only half-assed. He looked at her and then back at them. At her and back at them. 

Ani could see his head spinning. She’d lost him again to his contant, never-ending worry that the worst was about to happen and he needed to step in and help. 

While Clay danced like a nervous middle schooler, Ani danced watching her listless boyfriend watch Alex and Winston hit it off from a distance. 

“Who is Alex?” Winston asked while snapping a few photos of the dance. Alex watched him intensely. Lately, he wasn’t sure what he had been feeling but he knew sitting here at the dance, talking to Winston alone gave him real butterflies. It wasn’t like when he had sex with Jess or pushed Bryce off the pier, it was something very different. 

“That’s too existential of a question for the middle of a high school dance,” Alex responded, laughing. “That question requires sugar and caffeine in legally allowed doses.” 

The comment made Winston laugh. They continued in their banter for a bit while Clay watched from a distance. He hated Winston being this close to the truth. They had all worked so hard to protect him and their circle and he could blow up the whole thing. Alex needed to know who he was talking to. 

“Clay …” Ani said. No response. 

She tried again. Nothing. 

She left him alone on the dance floor. 

Across town in a poorly lit church basement, Justin slid into a cold metal folding chair. He made sure not to sit next to anyone. The only thing he hated more than actually going to the meeting was having to make small-talk with his fellow addicts. 

Everyone around him seemed to know at least someone else in attendence. There was a subtle hand-wave or head nod and the occasional hug. He’d come to this group once before and he hadn’t said a word then, so no one really knew him, or even knew his name. 

The meeting began with an opening oath from everyone in attendance. The main speaker began, “I’m Max and I’m an addict.” He looked around the room. “Anyone want to start?” 

First Sarah went to the lectern and said the same thing. She then gave a quick overview of her own journey. She was an alcoholic. She was working the steps and had been sober for 94 days. She talked about the amends she was making and detailed her recent situations where alcohol was in the room and how she handled it. 

Next came Adam. He seemed to be 20 or 21. A young guy like Justin. “I’m Adam and I'm an alcoholic and drug addict.” Justin sat up in his chair listening to him. He didn’t come from a broken home like himself, but he did have challenges. His problems began when his brother whom he described as his best friend, killed himself when Max was 17. It had been a rough few years but he’d recently decided to re-claim his own life. He was 45 days in. Nearly the same as Justin. 

After listening to Adam tell his story Justin decided to take a risk. When Max offered the floor to the next speaker, his hand popped up. Max waved him up. 

He couldn’t believe he was going to tell his story. In public. To strangers. 

“I’m Justin,” he began. “And I’m a drug addict.” 

The group responded in cliched unison, “Hello Justin.” It made him smile on the inside. 

He proceeded to explain, with limited details, his upbringing. He talked about the revolving door of boyfriends his mother would bring home. Most only stayed for a few weeks. Just enough time to get a few good hits, have some drugged-up sex, make a little dough, and hit the road. 

He talked about how he first got drunk at 13 with Bryce. His first puff of pot came at 15. He took his first hit of heroin the day he landed on the streets. 

“And about a year ago, my friend Clay came to Oakland to find me and bring me home,” he began. “It’s funny now because two years ago we hated each other. But now, ironically, he helped get me clean and his parents adopted me about six months ago. I know it won’t be all roses, but I am working my steps and taking it one day at a time.” 

He walked back to his seat and someone reached out a hand as he walked by. Instinctively he reached out to shake it and as he did, he looked at the person. It was Coach Kerba. He had no idea Kerba went to meetings or that he would be there. It was nice to see a friendly face. 

The meeting continued as usual and as it went on, Justin became more and more comfortable. He wasn’t sad to be missing the dance. He was beginning to understand his life was going to be a constant push and pull and he would have to find a way to balance that. 

Clay sat with his phone in his hands scrolling through his old texts with Winston. Did he actually know the truth or was he just fishing? Obviously, he was telling the truth about Monty, but did he have something on Alex? Is that why they were getting all chummy with each other? 

Fuck it, he thought. He began to punch out a text to Alex. _“Dude, what’s going on?” _He hit send. From a distance, he could see Alex. He didn’t reach for his phone. Fuck. With all the music and dancing, he probably didn’t feel the vibration in his pocket.__

__Why else would they be talking?_ _

__“Clay.”_ _

__Clay returned to his phone. He went back and read some of the texts between him and Alex. Was there anything there that could show what was going on? Nothing stood out to him. All normal school bullshit and small-talk._ _

__“Clay.”_ _

__He pulled up his chain with Justin. He knew he was at group tonight and didn’t want to interrupt, but typed out a quick message: “Thinking of you, brother.”_ _

__“Clay!”_ _

__He snapped his head back into reality. “Yeah?” he responded looking up. It was Ani._ _

__“Clay,” she began, “I can’t do this anymore.” Clay looked at her, lost as to what she was saying._ _

__“Do what?” he asked._ _

__“This. Us. This isn’t working,” she began. Sliding into the seat next to him she continued, “You’re just not into this anymore. You don’t pay attention to me. You can't stop worrying about Winston and Bryce and living in the now and I can’t live like that.”_ _

__Like a deer in headlights, Clay just sat there, dumbfounded. He’d never been dumped before. Except that time at the party when Hannah basically told him to fuck off and he ran off like a shamed puppy. Now he was numb. Ani was breaking up with him._ _

__He wasn’t sure how to respond. Nothing in his life was ever going to be normal, he thought to himself. He did the only thing he could think of at that moment. He stood up. “Fuck it then,” he said to Ani. “I’m sorry!” He carried the “r” like a little kid would to emphasize his frustration at the whole thing raising his arms in childlike fashion. And he walked away._ _

__From across the room he saw Zach. He now had a plan. He was done being worried about it all. “Zach!” he hollered from a short distance away._ _

__“Yo, Clay!” Zach said patting him on the shoulder._ _

__“Let’s go to a party. I just got dumped and wanna get fucked up,” Clay demanded._ _

__Zach laughed. “No shit!” A smile appeared on his face. “Well then, your wish is my command. Let’s go get fucked up.”_ _

__They hopped into Zach’s car and headed towards a party. Clay had no idea where they were going, but it didn’t matter. He was going to get fucked up. For two years, his world had been imploding. Fucking Hannah. Tyler. Jeff. Bryce. Monty. And now Winston and Ani. It was never going to fucking get better. So, just fuck it all._ _

__It didn’t take long to arrive. Zach had driven to a frat house near Sanderson. The party was already hopping and Clay eagerly popped out of the passenger seat. “Just follow my lead, Clay,” Zach said, closing his door behind him. They slid in through the side door, found the keg and a few discarded cups and filled them up to the brim._ _

__They made their way to the backyard where there was a bonfire going along with beer-pong and other drinking festivities. They took a spot near the fire but also with a buffer away from the group so they wouldn’t get caught._ _

__“So, Clay,” Zach began. “What the fuck happened with Ani?”_ _

__He took a big drink from his red cup. “Who the fuck knows. I’m just too fucked up I guess.”_ _

__“I hear that,” Zach agreed with a big gulp of his own._ _

__“It’s never going to go away, Zach. So, just fuck it, right?” He pounded his first cup. “More?”_ _

__Clay took both their cups and went back into the house to fill up. The room was crowded, just like before and he made himself fit in; fit in as much as you could in high school dance clothes. Someone was pouring shots and they shouted towards Clay as he filled up his cups. “You in?”_ _

__He wasn’t sure they were talking to him. “Who? Me? Sure!”_ _

__As a group, they shot back whatever piss-whiskey they had procured. It burned as it went down Clay’s throat. Not as bad as that malt beer he’d had last year with Bryce, Alex, and Justin in the alley._ _

__“Here you go, Zach,” Clay said as he handed him his refilled cup._ _

__They took a drink together. “Hey Clay, man,” Zach began. “In all seriousness, are you okay?”_ _

__He smirked. Raised his glass, “As okay as I’ll ever be.” They continued drinking for a few more cups but they didn’t talk much. Zach was enjoying the party. Clay was enjoying losing his feelings._ _

__Max retook control of the meeting and announced it was time to adjourn. The group started to disperse and Justin made his way over to Kerba. “Hey Coach,” Justin said, holding out his hand._ _

__“Hey Justin,” Kerba smiled. “I’m glad you spoke. It takes a strong man to do that.”_ _

__Justin looked down at the floor, unsure how to take a compliment on this situation. “I was thinking tonight,” Justin began. “Will it always be like this?”_ _

__“Like what?”_ _

__His eyes were giving him away. He shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. “Like … always afraid I’m one fuck up away from relapsing.”_ _

__Kerba nodded in understanding. “Nah,” he started. “You’re just early in your process, Foley. Take your time. It will always be there, but if you work the program, work the steps, and stay true to yourself, it will be less of a daily challenge.”_ _

__“I hope you’re right,” Justin said._ _

__“You will.” There was a brief silence between them. “But don’t forget to be a kid.”_ _

__By the time Zach and Clay left the party, they had both had a handful of beers and Clay’s shot. They hadn’t talked much, but the more beers Clay had, the more he told Zach of how fucked his life really had become._ _

__“Are you going to be okay?” Zach asked as he pulled up to his house and waited for him to get out._ _

__“Perfect,” Clay said as he stumbled out of the car and slammed the door behind him. “Perfectly fucked,” he said to himself, stumbling up the driveway to his room in the outhouse._ _

__The lights to the house were off, except the front porch-light and the light near the door on the outhouse. The sound of the night was calm and peaceful. He’d left the outhouse a taken man with things finally looking up. He came back, single, drunk, and worried about his life._ _

__He stumbled towards the door of the outhouse, drunk as he’d ever been. And he had to pee. Instead of walking into the outhouse and going in his bathroom, he walked around the side of the building, towards the back. Sure no one could see him, he finally relieved himself. Countless beers and a shot or two required it. He thought of how calm the world seemed at the moment. Just the sound of the wind rustling the branches, an animal or two making the passing noise, and a car here and there. And his piss splashing against the dirt._ _

__Hannah had truly fucked his head. He’d loved her. She was everything he’d wanted in a friend; in a girlfriend. All he’d wanted was to help her. Be a friend to her. To love her. He thought back to her funeral and what he’d said. He said then that he let Hannah go. But in reality, he hadn’t. He was still hung up on her and the hold her death had over him._ _

__He wanted the pain to go away. A girl he loved wouldn’t let him in. He tried but failed. He’d tried to give her love in every moment, but she’d rejected him. He had failed. And he’d failed time and again._ _

__“Fuck, I love you Hannah,” he said to her, and to no one, slouching down into the bushes. “Why did you have to go? Why didn't you let me love you? It would have been so easy to be with you, and love you, and laugh, and live, and go on dates. But you wouldn’t let me. You wouldn’t let me hold your fucking hand or listen to you or hold you. I tried and tried and tried. But fuck. Even Justin kinda tried. But you … fuck.” He buried his head in his knees, tears flowing and his words disconnecting from meaning._ _

__“Why Hannah. Why … shit … Hannah … love you … “_ _

__The car lights in the driveway didn’t catch his attention. Nor did the closing car door. Justin hit the auto lock button as he walked back to the outhouse. He didn’t see any lights on inside, so maybe Clay was already asleep or still at the dance. He’d responded to his earlier text but hadn’t heard back._ _

__He wrestled with his keys to find the right one for the door, when a noise caught his attention. It sounded muffled and like it was coming from around the corner. He cautiously took a few steps towards the side of the house, and in the light of the night, saw Clay sitting in the bushes._ _

__“Jesus, Clay,” he exclaimed, hurriedly moving to be by his brother. Clay didn’t respond to him. Justin knelt down and immediately smelled the alcohol on him. “What the fuck happened Clay? What’s going on?” Again Clay didn’t respond. Justin reached out and put his hand on his shoulders which shocked Clay into the present._ _

__Clay immediately reached out and smacked away Justin’s comforting hand. “What the fuck?!” he shouted._ _

__“Clay,” Justin responded. “It’s just me. Justin. What happened?”_ _

__“It’s all fucked. What does it matter?” Clay stumbled up, pushing Justin away and reached for the wall to steady himself. Justin stood up with him, holding his hands out in case he fell over. Clay looked down and noticed his pants. They were unbuckled and unzipped._ _

__Justin grabbed Clay’s shoulders, “Clay, what the fuck happened?” He didn’t mean to raise his voice, but he was worried and angered. His brother was sitting outside in the dirt, piss-drunk, and talking to himself._ _

__“Nothing a beer and some drugs wouldn’t help,” Clay responded as he stumbled and pushed past Justin and into the Clubhouse._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Now we are getting into the deeper story that is going to drive this series to a challenging, but great place! 
> 
> To check out some of my other writings, follow me on social, or sign up for my awesome newsletter, go to my website: https://www.richarddedor.com/13-reasons-why-by-richard-dedor


	4. Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where this story takes a largest turn from the actual 13RW Season 4. But I loved where this turned out and where the last six chapters are going to go for you. Thank you for reading so far! xo

Justin didn’t sleep much. He layed in bed thinking through everything. His sobriety. His work. His college applications. His mom. How lucky his life had become.

He also thought about Clay. And how he’d suddenly taken up drinking. He wasn’t sleeping. Of course, he was tonight but that was an alcohol-induced sleep. Even with the alcohol coursing through his body, he was still restless.

For weeks, Justin could tell Clay had been sleeping less and less. Ever since he had returned from treatment, he had seen the changes in Clay. It was almost like he and Clay had reversed shoes; good kid, bad kid. Bad kid, good kid.

He watched him sleep most of the night. It was part worry about his health and part just loving his brother. While he watched Clay sleep, he thought about his recovery. He thought about his nights on the street in Oakland.

There was one night a few weeks into his disappearance -- if you could call it that if no one was looking for him -- when he wasn’t sure if he would survive. He had been surviving on the pile of cash he had stolen from Seth but that ran out seven or ten days before. He could not be sure anymore. Each day was just one day. Another day of survival. His phone had been turned off so he had taken it to a pawn shop for a little more cash but that too had run out.

For days, he had been surviving on scraps of food scraps he was able to find in dumpsters and sidewalk trash cans. But he could tell his once high school athlete jock body was already falling apart. But he needed money. Up until today, he had been able to score with the money he had. But his stash was out and he needed a hit. He could wait no longer.

Flipping his Liberty gym back over his shoulder, he grabbed at his pants and pulled them up back onto his hips. Never in his life did he think he would make it to this point. But here he was, dredging, almost dragging his feet, to the solitude of the street to get picked up. He did not want to, but he had no other option.

He had stood on the street; dejected, dry, alone. He did not let his mind wander. He needed a hit. It did not take long to get one.

The car pulled up right beside him. He had been chosen. “How much?” Here it was. He had no idea. He hadn’t even thought about it. But he knew how to play the game. He had seen it enough in his short time on the streets. One price for the mouth. Another for the ass. More if you don’t want to use a condom. They paid the price for the golden ticket.

He would never forget the interior of the car. He had been told never to get into a car, but he had nothing to lose anymore. And he needed the fix. The man did not drive far; which was a good thing because Justin didn’t want to have to come crawling back to his new home. A few turns and the guy parked down in an alley. Justin knew exactly where they were. A few days ago, he had slept behind the dumpster up the way about 100 feet. This alley was quieter than most in the area and had a decent amount of scraps to gnaw on.

“You can take it out,” was all Justin could say. He tried to show enthusiasm, energy, excitement to please his client. As the man unzipped his pants, he noticed the wedding ring. Fuck this guy, Justin thought. Just get it over with. He leaned over and began to service him. He got him hard. Throbbing. Ready. He kept his eyes closed the whole time. It was just a job to keep him alive. Alive.

“Get your pants off kid,” the man ordered. Justin leaned back over to his side of the car. He reached down and unbuttoned the jeans he’d been wearing for weeks. The zipper opened and he slipped his fingers under the waistband of his jeans and boxer briefs. In a swift motion, he slipped them down to his ankles. He told him to get up on his knees. He did as he was told. He felt him spit on him. It was going to happen.

The man pushed; he pushed hard. It did not feel good. But he thought of better days. Of Jess. Of basketball. Of his friends. Of the few times his mother had actually been sober. He was rough. Clearly Justin was just something to use. Just a simple transaction.

With a final thrust, he knew it was over. He pulled out. Justin slumped back over into his seat and pulled his pants back up. He held out his hand. The man fumbled for the cash. He felt him using his fingers to flip through the bills in his wallet. Bryce used to do the same thing. The bills in his hand were crisp. The man clearly had money. For a fleeting second, Justin thought about offering to meet up again with him; it could be a good arrangement. But he wouldn’t need to do this again. He reached for the door handle, tossed his feet out, stood up, grabbing his bag, and slammed the door shut. The man didn’t waste any time and drove off.

He walked back a block or two, he couldn’t really remember, to get a quick score. Nothing fancy. Just enough to get through until tomorrow when he could get some good stuff. He went back to the quiet alley. And all was good. He was home again. High. Quiet. Sleep finally came.

Watching Clay sleep, he knew that night had not been the low point, but it was the start of his spiral down. More sex work would come with little to no regard for his health or safety. But he needed the drugs to survive. He didn’t want to come back to Evergreen. No one wanted him. Just Seth. And Seth wanted to kill him.

But here he was. With a warm bed, a safe house, and a family that seemed to love him despite everything. Bryce had been Bryce with his own fucked-up issues he could never deal with. And now he had been dealt a new hand. A winning hand some would say. And here was Clay, somehow, fucked up in ways Justin could not understand in reality, but in truth, could absolutely and positively relate with.

For most of the night, he sat on his bed, watching. Clay had never really been drunk before and Justin wanted … needed to make sure he was okay.

Clay was the one who had come to Oakland to save him from a life on the streets. Before that fall day when Tony’s bright red car pulled up and Clay screamed, “Justin” at him, there was zero chance he was going to come back. He had left that life behind.

Yet, here he was. Sitting on his bed with his crisp sheets and his fluffy pillow and his … his brother passed out across the room.

The sound of sheets rustling broke him out of his trance. Clay was waking up. He waited. He didn’t open his eyes.

Justin felt it was safe to go get ready for his day at Monet’s. Each day was just another step forward. As the scalding hot water cascaded down his body, he thought back to a few years back when the last thing on his mind was Clay fucking Jensen. He’d get a cold shower at his apartment, then just go hang at Bryce’s all weekend. Drinking and smoking pot was the regular schedule. Now this, hot water flowing freely out of the shower head, living in an outhouse, with two parents, and a brother who never wanted anything from him other than his best. He had clothes that weren’t handouts. He had access to a car. He had doctors and warm meals and as much coffee as he could consume. As he shut off the water and toweled off, he knew it wasn’t paradise, but it was pretty damn close.

He slid the door open and a rush of cool air sent chills through his skin and to his bones. But it was refreshing. It confirmed what he already knew: he was alive. He was living. And he could do anything he wanted. Straight ahead was Clay, finally sitting up in bed, holding his head in his hands. The joys of a hangover.

“Good,” Justin began, “you’re alive.” Standing beside his bed, he slipped his soft black Monet’s t-shirt over his head, absorbing the final droplets of shower water from his chest. He ran his fingers through his hair as he sat down on his bed to slip on his boxers. His eyes were focused on Clay. He waited for Clay to say something but he didn’t have all day.

The only sound in the room was Justin rustling around getting ready. He stood up and slipped one leg into his jeans, then slipped his other leg in. He reached down to button the pants, and decided to broach the issue at hand head on. “What the fuck happened last night, Clay?”

As he did, he walked over to Clay and stood next to his bed. As he did, Clay lifted, slowly, gently, his head to look up at Justin who now towered over him despite their height difference.

“What the fuck does it matter, anyway?” Clay responded with an attitude that used to be Justin’s.

“Dude, come on,” Justin pushed back. “I come home and find you in the bushes, pants down, piss ass drunk. That’s not you. You’re hardly sleeping. You’re barely functioning man.”

Clay sighed. “Whatever.”

That was the last thing Justin wanted to hear. “Whatever is a piece of shit word,” he barked back, surprised by his own frustration but certain in it’s need.

“Just go to work,” Clay tossed back as he rolled back onto his side, ready to pass out again and get Justin away from him.

While he needed to go, he didn’t want to leave Clay alone. Especially not knowing what had happened and what was going on with him. He knelt down and put his hand on Clay’s back. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on, but please talk to me Clay. I’m worried about you.”

Nothing. He didn’t flinch. Didn’t move. Didn’t sigh. Didn’t say a word.

Justin waited with his hand on Clay. His heart ached. His mind spun. But he didn’t know what to do or what he could do. Reluctantly, he stood back up, sliding his hand off his back. He looked at him for a second more before turning and walking out to go to work.

Working at Monet’s had been a blessing in disguise for Justin. It gave him spending money but moreso because it gave him a sense of purpose. There was a sense that life was normal. Matt and Laine had not made him get a job. He wanted it. He wanted the responsibility. And from the responsibility came freedom.

It may have only been coffee and lattes and hot water for tea, but it was work. It was people. That may have been his favorite part; Evergreen had some great people who were in Monet’s nearly everyday. He knew them by name now and they had missed him while he was gone to rehab.

Heather and her son Robbie were two of his regulars on Saturdays. He wasn’t sure if they were divorced or if it was just mother son time, but he loved saying hi to them both. Robbie was probably six or seven with a head full of crazy hair. Heather always ordered a large black coffee and Robbie liked skinny lattes or, today, a hot cocoa with lots of marshmallows. Justin smiled at the order and winked at Robbie.

“I’ll bring them out to you when they are ready,” Justin responded as he handed her back her credit card. They usually didn’t deliver their drinks, but for regulars, Justin tried to go the extra mile. Coffee in one hand, hot cocoa in another, Justin walked over to their table, sitting them down gently.

“Here you are,” Justin announced. As he let the cups go, he leaned down close to Robbie and put his index finger to his lips, saying quietly, “I gave you extra marshmallows, but don’t tell anyone.”

He loved these two. Maybe it was partly jealous he and his mom never had experiences like this and maybe he just loved the constant moments in life. Turning around to leave mother and son alone he saw Alex waiting in line to order.

“The usual?” Justin asked.

“Why change what works?” Alex retorted. Justin got to work putting together his latte and asked about the dance from the night before. Alex rolled his eyes. “It was a night to remember.” He said it with a flair and exaggeration that made Justin chuckle.

“That good, huh?” he responded as the milk began to foam.

“I arrived single. Left single. Just another day in the life of Alex.”

Justin slid his latte across the counter. “Enjoy, Alex.” And he went back to work serving the customers of Monet’s. He was making Americanos, cappuccinos, and a few coffees when another voice caught his attention. It was Winston. He was ordering a black coffee. He didn’t know much about Winston, other than he knew it couldn’t have been Monty who killed Bryce.

He kept his eye on him, unsure of why he was suddenly in Monet’s on a Saturday morning. He paid for his coffee, turned and walked straight to Alex. And sat down. He moved with a confidence and assurance that he was supposed to see Alex there. Were they friends, he wondered. Alex had never mentioned him and they certainly didn’t play in the same circle of friends. Alex had never mentioned being friends with him or even knowing him. And as much as he didn’t want to, he quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket.

Don’t freak out. Alex is here hanging out with Winston.

He knew Clay wasn’t going to take the news well, but he couldn’t keep it to himself. The more he opened up, the healthier he became and he couldn’t risk his own health to protect anyone. Never again.

It didn’t take long for him to feel the vibration in his pocket. The next time he got a break he quickly slipped out his phone to see Clay’s one word response. “Fuck.”

Alex and Winston continued their coffee date, or whatever you would call it, while Justin worked and Clay freaked out at home. He quickly punched a text to Alex, telling him to meet him at the Outhouse as soon as possible.

Clay waited anxiously for Alex to arrive. He knew Justin was working all day, so he knew he’d have privacy to deal with the latest situation.

Justin was busy with a group of college girls when he saw Alex and Winston stand up in unison and walk towards the door. He watched as they stepped outside and stood in front of the giant Monet’s window, and they leaned in for a hug. It wasn’t just a hug, Justin thought. They held on longer than two acquaintances would. At least that’s what he thought.

After Winston said good-bye, Alex pulled out his phone and texted Clay that he was on his way. He had no idea what the emergency was or why Clay only needed him. But, it was a standing rule among the group: when one needed you, you came. No questions asked.

Clay was pacing back and forth in the outhouse when Alex arrived. “Clay,” Alex immediately began. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Clay didn’t mince words. “What the fuck are you doing with Winston?”

His brashness and rudeness startled Alex. After everything they had gone through together, this approach wasn’t normal. “Jesus, Clay. Is that what this is about?” He walked over and sat down on Justin’s bed. Clay followed and stood in front of his bed, but didn’t sit.

“Well … what’s going on?”

“First, calm the fuck down,” Alex said. He put his hands on his knees and whipped the claminess off. Then he sighed. He honestly wasn’t sure what he wanted to tell Clay. He was still figuring out what the situation was and he hadn’t even kissed Winston. He knew he wanted to, but was still working through everything in his head.

“Secondly, we’re just friends. We met at the dance last night and got to know each other and thought a coffee today sounded nice. What’s the big deal?”

Without hesitation Clay responded, “He’s Monty’s alibi.” He sat down on his bed; he looked Alex in the eyes. “He was with Monty the night Bryce died.” The room fell silent for a few brief moments. Then Alex erupted. He was angry that he didn’t know. That none of the group knew. That Clay and Ani had kept it a secret from the entire group. And now there was a risk to them all, again. When he finally calmed down, Clay was ready.

“Look, we don’t know what he knows, but we just have to be careful,” Clay suggested.

Alex nodded in agreement and stood up. “We haven’t talked about Bryce at all, so we are probably fine.” He started walking towards the door. As he reached the door, he turned back towards Clay, “We are never going to be free of this, are we?”

All Clay could do was shrug his shoulders. No. We’re fucked, he thought.

In his room, Alex stewed. Had Winston just been building a friendship and flirting because he wanted information about Bryce he wondered silently. About fucking Bryce?! They had been sending texts nearly all day back and forth and even after their coffee date. It was clear that Winston liked him and somehow, somewhere, in a place he’d never really let his heart and emotions go, he liked him too. But, he had to stop. If Winston was trolling for information, Alex was the ultimate target, even if Winston didn’t know it. He couldn’t let that happen.

He decided to just leave Winston’s text unanswered for the time being. Even with the realization, he was gutted. Broken once again. It was never going to be over. This cloud would always exist, hovering just overhead, waiting to downpour and wash away all the good. It would come when he would be least expecting it. It would be five years down the road. He’d be on a date on a Saturday at college. Finally nearing graduation and the final passage into adulthood. His date would have just ordered a beer and he laughed because he wanted to order the same. And did. But he made it clear he wasn’t copying him. They would laugh. Two years in and it was clear they were meant for each other. But something would catch his eye. A dark presence. Two of them. He couldn’t mistake the sound of a Kevlar vest. “Alex Standall?” he heard. He turned and there were two officers, both with their hands resting on their guns. “You need to come with us.”

A knock on his door startled him back to the present. “Yeah?” he responded, startled.

The doorknob turned and the door creaked open. “Hey, Buddy,” he heard his dad’s voice.

“Oh hey, dad,” Alex responded.

“What are you doing sitting on the floor?” he asked, crouching down to sit next to him. He’d been working in the kitchen getting dinner ready and smelled like garlic and onions.

“I can’t do it anymore dad,” he announced. “It’s too much and everyone is going to find out and I don’t want anyone else to get hurt. I’m tired.” He felt the tears slip from his eyes and begin to roll down his cheeks. He used the back of his hand to wipe them away.

His dad pulled him into his arms. “Buddy … I know this is hard, but your friends … they love you and just want what is best for you. Just like me, and your mom, and your brother. We want you to have the best life you can.” He paused, rubbing his son’s back as he held him close. “We’ve got you, Alex. I will always protect you.” They didn’t move from that spot. Bill just held his son close. The world was cruel and it had asked his son to carry an incredible burden. And his son was willing to do it to protect his friends. And Bill was going to protect his son. Always.

Justin popped out of the shower after washing all the coffee house smell off of him. He saw Clay sitting on the edge of his bed, tying his shoes. The sun had already started to go down and the sky would soon turn dark. The air was already cold.

“Isn’t it a little late to be going out for a run?” Justin asked.

Clay stood up, grabbing his earbuds off the table. “I’ll be fine.”

It didn’t take a genius to notice the tone in Clay’s voice. Justin reached out a hand and grabbed Clay’s arm as he tried to walk by. “Dude, come on. What’s wrong?” Immediately, Clay jerked his arm away.

“What’s the fuck, Justin?!” Clay exclaimed. “I’m fine. I’ve been fine. Worry about yourself.”

Justin contorted his face in amazement at the response. “What the fuck does that even mean?”

Clay smirked. “It means I’m not the drug addict in the room. Only one of us needs to be drug tested and checked up on and watched and questioned.” He jammed his finger into Justin’s chest to emphasize the point. He turned and kept walking out the door; Justin was left dumbfounded. Clay slammed the door behind him and began to run. Justin didn’t even have a chance to chase him.

He stood there steaming, towel still wrapped around his waist. Then he erupted. He raised his hands above his head and swung them down violently. Angrily. Full of hurt and frustration. They landed, flat, on the table with a loud slap. “Fuck!” he screamed. He turned and looked back at the door Clay had just run through. “Why the fuck do you hate me?” He knew his brother was hurting but Clay didn’t want him. Didn’t want him to help. Didn’t want to talk to him. And he’d hit where it actually hurt.

Frustrated and angry, Justin slipped on a fresh pair of boxer briefs and Liberty sweatpants. He loved feeling cozy and at home. But as he slipped on a complimentary hoodie, he decided not to go into the main house. He didn’t want to face Matt and Laine and their questions. He’d just stay here and relax with a movie and wait for Clay to get home. He much prefered to be inside curled up on the couch with Matt reading his students’ papers and Laine typing up a brief, but he’d just sit alone, restless instead. It didn’t feel right to not go inside. It was like he was cheating himself of family time; a weird concept to someone who never really had family time and up until this past year, never had a formal Christmas or a stocking hung in front of the fireplace.

But instead he curled up on the outhouse couch under a blanket and waited. Alone.

The sun had set and the air was getting cooler with each passing step and Clay’s lungs were burning. The cold air hit the back of his throat and pierced his lungs as they tightened against the cold. His sweat clung to his shirt against his chest increasing the impact of the cool air. HIs ears and nose tingled with awareness of the impending warm shower that would sting his cold skin. But it would be worth it. Running had become his solace. HIs mark of freedom. Of control. He could go as long as he wanted. Go wherever he wanted. Push himself as hard as he could. No one else could control him.

So, he ran. Justin sat at home watching the clock and he kept running. He ran past The Crestmont. Did a few laps on the school track. He ran past Hannah’s old house. Then Jeff’s. And just kept going. He somehow ended up running to the end of the dock; the same place Bryce had taken his last breath. As he turned around after reaching the end, he looked up and saw the bluff ahead. Hannah. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and kept running. One last hill. His lungs burned. His breaths were shorter. Tighter. He used his arms to pull him up the hill.

With each step he got closer and closer and closer. He would be there in two minutes he thought to himself. Ninety seconds. One minute. Almost there.

**HANNAH BAKER**

**our little girl**

He reached down and brushed a bit of dirt off the ledge of her headstone. The recent rains had made it sparkle in the moonlight. It was quiet and peaceful. It’s how she needed to be now. No more pain. No more sorrow. No more anger and lies and hurt. Those were his now.

Without realizing it he was on his knees in front of her stone. His hands on the ground holding him up. Tears welled in his eyes.

“Hannah,” he began. “What happened to us? Why wouldn’t you let me love you? I tried. I fucking tried. And I’ve tried to let go. To forget you and how much you hurt me. If only you’d have told me that night. I never ever would have fucking left. But I was a fucking coward. I left. I thought it was about me. Fuck, I never would have left you. You were perfect. And beautiful.”

The words came easy. His anger lept out. His sadness dripped.

“And I fucked it up like I fuck everything up. Why did I have to push you away? I thought Bryce being gone would make it better, but it didn’t. I thought telling your story would make it better, but it didn’t. Tell me Hannah. What the fuck do you want me to do? Fucking tell me! I can’t keep doing this. I can’t go on like this… I can’t… “ His body heaved. His tears stung his face and dripped onto the top of her grave.

He dropped to his side and curled up into a ball. “I love you Hannah,” he sobbed. “I love you… I love you … I love you … “ He kept repeating until words stopped coming.

The sun had been down for a while and the movie he had randomly landed on was rolling credits. Startled, Justin jumped off the couch, tossing the blanket aside. “Clay?” Justin yelled into the empty room. He thought maybe he had fallen asleep and not noticed Clay come back. Nothing. He ran to the bathroom. Empty. He was alone.

He quickly grabbed his phone and sent a quick text. “Clay, where are you?” He waited. He ran his fingers through his hair hoping to see three-dots. Nothing. His message sat there delivered; unanswered.

“Clay. Where the fuck are you?” he asked aloud to nobody. Just a year ago, he would not have cared that Clay was gone. Or if anyone was gone for that matter. He paced the room trying to think and figure out what to do. He could go jump into the car and drive around trying to find him. But he could literally be anywhere. He stood at the island table. This same spot had been the location of so many late nights between the two. They had fought here. Opened their hearts here. Clay Jensen was his brother. He had been hurting for a long time. Justin had tried to help, but last night was bad. He wanted his brother back. Tears welled in his eyes as he thought about the young man who had come to mean more to him than he ever thought possible. Clay fucking Jensen, the nerdy quiet kid was now the most important person in his world.

Fuck. Maybe he was just in with Matt and Laine. He bolted out of the outhouse, slamming the door behind him. He ran towards the stairs, taking them two at a time, hurriedly and haphazardly opening the door. It was louder and more aggressive than he had intended. It startled Matt and Laine who were exactly where he knew they would be: the front room, together, enjoying a movie of their own with a bowl of popcorn.

“Oh, hey Justin,” Matt said, his hand deep into the bowl. Laine turned and smiled at him. But Justin barely registered a hello to them. He hurried past and took the stars two-at-a-time up to Clay’s old room. He walked in, lights off. He was taken aback to the days when he was hiding out in this very room. Back then, he thought it would be temporary until Clay got justice for Hannah. He didn’t. And it never ended.

He turned around and checked the bathroom. Also empty. He pulled out his phone again to see if maybe, perhaps, Clay had responded and he had missed the feeling of the vibration. Nope. No response.

From the top of the steps, he could see Matt and Laine. Their eyes were glued to the screen. They were the best, Justin thought. This is what he had wanted his entire life. Just a family that hung out together, that shared love and loss together, that hugged and laughed together. He wanted to feel like he belonged.

And he had that. But now, his brother was hurting. And if he told Matt and Laine, broke that brotherly confidence, he’d risk the most important thing in the world to him. Clay had seen him through some of his darkest days. He had fought for him. Sacrificed for him. He had walked into the battlefield and dragged him out. And he never let go. Justin needed to do the same.

Slipping his phone back into his pocket, he hurried down the stairs. At the bottom, he grabbed the newel post and swung himself towards the glow of the television. He was not sure what to say. Or where to even begin.

“We need to talk,” Justin stated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! 
> 
> I do a bunch of other writing and videos which you can find on my social ... 
> 
> Twitter: http://twitter.com/richarddedor  
> Facebook: http://facebook.com/richard.m.dedor
> 
> To check out some of my other writings, follow me on social, or sign up for my awesome newsletter, go to my website: https://www.richarddedor.com/13-reasons-why-by-richard-dedor


	5. Sunday

Before he had finally come clean about his relapse at Thanksgiving just a few months prior, Justin had been adamant with himself that not only could he handle things on his own, but that he should. It was his problem. The Jensens had already done so much for his life and he didn’t want the cost of his poor choices to get in the way of Clay’s future. He wanted him to go to the college of his dreams. He didn't need to add more expense to the family; or more stress for that matter. 

But he tried to get clean. And by Thanksgiving Day, he’d been clean for a few days. He hadn’t planned on confession at the dinner table, but he knew Matt and Laine would never just drop him. More importantly, Clay would yell and scream at him and never let go. So, in that moment, going around the table, he felt it was the right thing to do and say. 

“I haven’t stayed clean. I’m sorry for lying to you guys. And I probably need more help.” In that moment, tears welling in his eyes, he felt like he became a Jensen. And without hesitation, Laine looked over and said, “We will get you whatever help you need, Justin.” 

And that was it. No violence. No yelling. No tossing him out of the house. Just … love. A simple gesture and he had seen it with Clay. He had driven all the way to Oakland -- sure it was for selfish reasons to help Hannah and not him -- but in the end, the greater gesture was Clay transforming to fight for Justin. 

And now Clay didn’t know how to fight. Or wasn’t willing to fight with his family by his side. 

But Justin was going to end that. He knew he was risking his relationship with Clay, but he had to. Justin knew what darkness looked like, what it felt like, and how dangerous it was. He didn’t want Clay to get lost in that never-ending space that had consumed 17 years of his own life. Not when he had a mom and a dad and a … a brother who loved him more than life. 

Maybe he was over-reacting, but he couldn’t take the chance. He took a deep breath, put his hands in his pockets and said, “We need to talk.”

“What is it Justin?” Matt sat up, suddenly worried that Justin had relapsed. Or gotten a girl pregnant. Or something. Anything bad. This was it. He was going to break the trust Clay had in him. 

“I don’t know where Clay is,” he blurted out. 

The statement made Laine sit up from her slouched position on the couch. “What do you mean you don’t know where he is?” she asked. 

Justin started to pace slightly. “He went for a run a few hours ago and he isn’t back yet and he isn’t answering my text messages.” 

At that, Matt stood up and walked over to his phone and began to text Clay. Laine stood up as well and stood in front of Justin. She could read his face. It wasn’t all there was to say. “What else, Justin?” 

He whipped his hands out of his pockets and spun around walking towards the dining room. “Fuck,” he screamed. He gripped the back of the kitchen chair and squeezed; hard. Both Matt and Laine had joined him. Matt with his phone next to his ear and Laine watching intently. 

“Justin …” Laine pressed.

“Okay,” he said looking up, his eyes moist. “Since I got back, he hasn’t been sleeping much. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he says everything is fine. But it clearly hasn’t been fine. He said he was doing okay, but … and I didn’t want to say anything because he trusts me and I trust him.” He stopped, hesitated. 

Matt took the phone away from his face. “What else is it, Justin?” 

“I found out at work today that at the dance last night, Ani broke up with him. Then I guess after that, he went to a party while I was at my meeting. I came home and found him talking to himself, sitting in the bushes. He was drunk so I put him in bed. I didn’t know what to do. And when I came home tonight, he said he was going for a run and now he’s not answering. I’m so sorry.” He walked over to Laine and wrapped his arms around her. “I’m so sorry. I fucked up. I should have come to you sooner.” 

“Justin,” Laine said, holding him close. “It’s okay. We will find him okay?” 

He held on for a second before pushing her away. His tension was rising. He grabbed at his hair. His face pained. “What if we don’t. I mean, fuck!” He started pacing. “What if it’s my fault?! What if I did something?” 

Matt took a step towards him, making sure to keep his distance. “Oh Justin, you could never.” 

“But I could,” he responded, swatting away both of their compassion. “I tried to be there and he kept pushing me away. I tried to be a good brother, but I don’t know how to.” He broke the distance between them and grabbed onto Laine. Holding her tight. His tears smearing against her cheek. 

She held him close. Laine could hear Matt in the other room on the phone with Deputy Standall. 

“I can’t lose him, mom,” Justin cried. They stood there for what seemed like an eternity; Laine holding her son, gently rocking him. Inside she was freaking out. Her oldest son was missing. She had tried to let him work it out on her own and she wasn’t mad at Justin. He tried. He always had Clay’s back. She was mad at herself for night stepping in sooner. They would find him. He would be okay. 

She caressed the back of his head. Her fingers ran through his short hair. The hair of her son. 

Their tension lessoned. Their breathing calmed down. Laine relaxed her hold and held Justin by the shoulders. Tears dripping out of their eyes and rolled down their cheeks, Laine placed her hands on the side of his face, “We will find him.” She pulled out a chair for him to sit down. And she did the same. 

She held his hands as they both sat down, waiting for Matt to get off the phone. 

“Did I ever tell you about the day you were arrested?” 

Justin shook his head. Surprisingly, that day had been one of his proudest moments. 

“As the Sheriff led you away in handcuffs, Clay freaked out. He demanded I help you; whatever it took. Of course, I had already decided I would do anything to help you. But Clay made sure of it. He told me in that moment that you’d saved his life. And I knew it. I could hear it in his voice and I saw it in his eyes. I decided in that moment and on those steps, that you would always be a part of our family. I didn’t know it then that it would turn out to be us adopting you, but I’m so glad it did. And I know Clay feels the same way. He may have hated you before, but I know he loves you now. More than anything.” 

Matt broke their conversation. 

“Deputy Standall and the Sheriff are on their way over now,” Matt said as he slid into a chair across from Laine and next to Justin. “Who else should I call?” 

Justin turned his head to Matt. “Everyone.” He whipped his phone out and typed out a group text. Charlie, Tony, Jess, Alex. Zach. 

_ GORDON LIGHTFOOT x5. CLAY HASN’T COME BACK FROM A RUN HE STARTED HOURS AGO. COME TO THE HOUSE.  _

“There. Everyone should be here soon.” Justin typed out a quick text to Clay, again. 

_ Clay, where are you brother? I can’t lose you. Please text me back.  _

Matt looked over at Justin. “Justin, what else has been going on?” 

“I mean, nothing really,” Justin began. “But I could tell something was wrong … almost like it was building up inside him? He and Ani haven’t been doing well so I’m sure that has had something to do with it. But you guys know Clay. He holds it in because he wants to be strong for everyone. I tried last night after I found him to talk to him but he didn’t want to. Maybe I was too mean about it or something, but he won’t listen to me.” 

Matt and Laine exchanged a look. They were broken. And grateful to have Justin. Laine reached across the table to hold Matt’s hand while doing the same and holding Justin’s with her other. 

“We will find him,” she stated. “Justin, you did everything right.” She stood up and made her way to the kitchen. They heard the water running. Justin slid away from the table and looked down at Matt who remained seated, staring at the phone in his hands. 

Without really even thinking about it, Justin leaned down and wrapped his arms around Matt. It was awkward, but he pulled him close. He didn’t say anything. Nothing needed to be said. A father and son, worried. 

Justin rounded the corner and saw Laine filling the coffee pot. “Figured people would need this since it is nearly 11,” she said, pouring the water into the pot. He heard the tears in her voice. Clay was her boy. He knew he was loved just the same, and cared for just the same, but Clay was the first born. The oldest. The good son. He wasn’t sure what to say or how to help. 

He reached beside her and pulled down the coffee grounds. “You know, Amber, my other mom, she never cared if I was home. I could be gone for days or a week and she would probably notice but never came looking for me. Never called the police. Never stayed up waiting for me.”

Laine stepped to the side and let Justin finish making the coffee. He knew exactly what to do. He had grown so much in the year or so since he had been in their home and a member of their family. He’d grown up with radically less, and here he was, telling a story while making a pot of coffee so they could go find his brother. 

“When Clay and Tony found me in Oakland on the street, I ran from them. I did not want to come back here. I had become just like Bryce and had hurt everyone. Fuck, I even threatened Clay while the whole tape business was going on. But Clay jumped out of Tony’s car and chased me down an alley and tackled me.” The last part made him chuckle as he put the final scoop into the pot. “Then he hid me here and slowly, somehow, both of our walls came down. I was so thankful for you guys. You have no idea. I had a bed, food, you even bought me a damn cell phone. I mean, I knew I was lucky. But I also knew it was just temporary. Once Clay got what he wanted with Hannah’s trial, I would be gone again.” He had turned around to face Laine now while the coffee pot brewed behind him. While he was talking, Matt had gotten up from the table and was standing beside Laine; listening. 

“But, I don’t know. Something happened. Our walls came down and Clay and I became friends. And when I came to you,” he said motioning to Laine, “about the assault, I was never worried about me. I knew I had to do it to help Hannah and Jess. And I wasn’t worried about being taken away from you. I was so thankful that I was willing to give it all up to do what was right. But you both fought for me. The day of Hannah’s funeral, I was just thankful to be out for juvie and when Clay wanted to talk, I thought he was going to tell me that today was the last day we’d see each other because I was off for some group home across the state or some shit like that. But then he asked if I wanted to be adopted. And I’ve never told you guys this, but when he did, I cried. And my stomach was in knots. I was so thankful. And … I knew I had my family.” He wiped away tears. Laine and Matt both closed the distance between them and shared a family hug. 

A knock at the door broke their embrace. Matt went to answer the door while Laine pulled down a handful of coffee mugs. 

“Justin,” she said as sat the mugs down on the counter with a gentle touch. “I will forever be thankful Clay chased you down that alley. You completed our family.” Her arm was around Justin when Deputy Standall and Alex appeared in the doorway with Matt in tow. 

“Thanks for coming right over,” Laine said to Deputy Standall. Alex quickly made his way to Justin. There weren’t hugs or handshakes, but Alex wanted to know what was going on. 

“What do you mean he’s missing?” Alex demanded. 

“Look, guys,” Justin began, “something has been off lately. I tried to step in and get him out of his own head, but he came home drunk last night and then when he left for a run tonight, it just felt like he was running from something.”

“Okay Justin,” the deputy said, “what time did he leave tonight?” 

“I don’t know, maybe 7:30?” While Deputy Standall started taking notes, Justin continued to tell his side of the story. The little things over the past few weeks that had been small red flags leading up to today. While he was explaining some of those little things, Tony and Zach walked into the front door. 

“Clay! Clay!” they heard Tony’s voice. He came bounding into the kitchen in a frenzy. “Foley. Where the fuck is he?!” It was almost like he was accusing Justin of doing something to him, even though they both knew it would never be possible. 

“Why the fuck do you think you’re here, Tony?! Justin screamed at him. “He fucking took off.” 

“Why are we just standing here?” Tony demanded of the room. 

Deputy Standall took a step towards Tony as Zach crossed the room towards Justin. “Tony, I know you’re upset. We are just trying to get all the facts so we can determine the best course of action.” 

“You okay?” Zach asked quietly to Justin, giving him a soft hug. Justin pushed back against him. 

“No, Zach. I’m not okay. Clay is missing. What the fuck?” 

Alex pushed through the two boys and towards his dad. “Clay texted me today, asking me to come over,” he began. “He was worried about something at school and just more … Clay-like than usual? It’s hard to explain it, but he was very high-strung.” 

“Did he say anything to you about doing something? Acting out?” his dad asked. 

“No, nothing like that.” Alex knew where his dad’s thinking was going, but, for once, when it came to the group, he wasn't lying. Of course, he wasn’t going to be totally honest about why Clay was freaking out; but he honestly had no idea where Clay was. 

While they all continued to mention little things they had been seeing and noticing over the past few weeks, Jess and Charlie walked in the door. The kitchen was now crowded and heated with anger, frustration, and countless emotions. 

“Alright everyone, just sit tight for a minute,” Deputy Standall said as he walked out to the front room. 

“Justin,” Jess said as she walked across the room and embraced her former boyfriend in a tight embrace. “I’m so sorry.” He gently wrapped his arms around her. He missed her. And in this moment, he needed her. Despite just being friends, she was the only one outside of Clay who knew how to read him and calm him down. As she broke her embrace, one of her hands slipped down his back and found his hand and didn’t let go. She did most of the holding, but the touch was what mattered. 

Matt and Laine had come together and he had his arm around her shoulder and her arm around his waist. Just a few weeks ago, in this very room, Matt had made a comment to Justin about how his generation, his graduating class especially, had been dealt a shitty hand. Sure, high school was always tough, but they had it especially rough. He wished then like he wished now that he could wave a magic wand and make it all better for his boys. 

Feeling as safe and comfortable as one could in this situation, Laine thought back to all the breakfasts and dinners in this very room. 17 years of memories just the happy threesome, and then suddenly they grew their family. She had not hesitated to bring up the idea of adopting Justin. Maybe one day she would tell him the story of that conversation. But looking across the room, she couldn’t help -- despite the situation -- marvel at how much her son Justin had grown and made himself a real Jensen. 

Tony paced the room. Charlie stood next to Zach who stood next to Justin who held onto Jess, loosely. Alex was off in the corner re-reading old texts from Clay trying to find any clue whatsoever. 

Deputy Standall re-appeared in the doorway with his cellphone in his hand. 

“Alright everyone,” he began. “I just got off the phone with Sheriff Diaz and he agrees: We should get out and start looking. He authorized an APB to be issued and that is being done right now. Units are on alert and on the lookout.”

“That’s it?” Justin demanded as he approached the deputy. He knew Bill and Bill knew Justin. Bill had been off-duty when Matt called him and he rushed over in the normal clothes. In this situation, as with many over the past few years, he was wearing both hats in a tense situation. 

Bill put his hand on Justin’s shoulder, “That’s just the start, Justin. I know you’re worried. But we are pulling out all the stops. They will be checking bus stops, taxi companies, everything.” He kept his hand on Justin’s shoulder and turned to face as much of the group as possible. 

“I know this is stressful and we all want Clay home. We are doing everything we can to locate him. Matt, Laine, we want one of you to stay here near the house phone in case he calls. The others can go out and look if you’d like. And kids, you can go out as well and help us look. You know Clay best and where he might go.”

Matt and Laine looked at each other. This was it. The search was on for their son. 

“Foley,” Tony said from across the room, “you’re with me.” He motioned for them to make their way outside. Justin reached for Jess’ hand to pull her along. 

“Wait,” Laine spoke up. She turned to look at Matt. Their eyes were filled with worry. The room was tense. 

Matt looked back at his wife. They had been through so much over the past few years. But in their wildest dreams, they never thought their son -- either of their sons -- would disappear. Their eyes were worn; their eyelids wet. Matt gently placed his hands on her shoulders and placed his forehead against hers. He took a deep breath. His eyes closed. “Go. I’ll stay here with Bill. Take your phone and keep me updated. And I’ll do the same. I love you.” 

She nodded against his forehead. Their eyes met and they came together for a kiss. Gentle and compassionate. All Matt could think was a wish for his wife, ‘bring our boy home.’ 

Their embrace broke with Tony again calling for them to go. Laine let go and made her way to Tony’s car while Justin and Jess followed. 

“Justin!” Matt called. He turned around and looked at Matt who motioned for him to come to him. “Two things. Well, three actually.” Just like he had done with Laine, he put his hands on his son’s shoulders and looked into his eyes. “First, I love you. Second, take care of Laine. Third, find him.” 

With a steeled determination from his lifelong battle to survive, he placed his hands on Matt’s shoulders with strength. “We’ll find him.” He held on for a second, trying to send Matt an ounce of his own strength and determination. Matt nodded in affirmation and let Justin go. He hurried out the door and into Tony’s waiting car. 

Alex, Charlie, and Zach all joined forces in Zach’s car and made their way in an opposite direction. 

That left Bill and Matt at home. Just as the kids and Laine all left, Sheriff Diaz arrived. Bill poured him a cup of coffee and they all sat around the kitchen table. Matt kept his cell phone on the table with the volume on high. He typed out a quick text to Laine while Diaz tried to talk to him.  _ I love you.  _

Diaz worked his way through the standard questions for Matt. How had Clay been recently. Had he talked of leaving? Drug use? Alcohol use? Any fights recently? Any talk of suicide? 

That last one made Matt shiver. He didn’t like thinking about it, but ever since Hannah, anything was possible with his son. “He’s been struggling a lot lately.” He sighed and took another sip of coffee. 

Already across town, Tony and Zach were zig-zagging around town. It was now nearly midnight and the town was quiet. Any time they saw a person moving, they all turned their heads to see if it could be Clay. Justin knew he’d gone out in shorts and long sleeves but didn’t wear a hat and it was already near freezing temperatures out. 

Tony drove quickly but methodically. Jess sat in the back seat with Laine, while Justin sat in the front trying to figure out where Clay could or would have gone. 

“Let’s try the Crestmont again,” Justin suggested. 

“We already did, Foley.” 

“I fucking know Tony!” he snapped. “Let’s look in back. Who the fuck knows.” 

Tony whipped the car around and made his way back to the Crestmont. In the back, Laine continued to hold her phone in her hands. She wasn’t texting Matt. She kept calling Clay. And each time, she reached voicemail. He’d been too lazy to even set it up so she couldn’t even hear his voice. 

“Look man, I’m sorry I snapped,” Justin offered as they neared the Crestmont. 

Tony didn’t need to say anything. He understood. All he did was reach over and grab Justin’s leg. They were both looking for their brother. At this point, Tony didn’t care about going the speed limit. As he pulled up to the Crestmont for the second time, he came to a screeching halt at the front. Justin bolted from the car, hurriedly turning his cell phone flash light on. From the car, Laine also jumped out, climbing from the back and fumbling her way to meet Justin down the alley. Jess and Tony heard Justin screaming Clay’s name. 

“Are we going to find him?” Jess asked from the back to Tony. 

Tony sighed. “Fuck, I hope so.” 

Justin was shining his light everywhere he could think. Around the dumpsters. Behind the dumpsters. Fuck, he thought to himself as he jumped up the side of the dumpster to peer inside. Just garbage. 

Laine met him as he climbed down. 

“Fuck!” he screamed at everything and nothing. “Where the fuck are you Clay?!” 

“Justin,” Laine said softly as she put her hand on his arm. 

“Where could he be, mom? How could he run away like this?” He turned around and wrapped his arms around her neck and gripped her tightly. He cried. Finally cried. 

“We will find him, love,” Laine said. “We’ll find him.” She stroked his back letting him let out his frustration and anger. As a mom, she knew they all needed to have clear eyes to be able to find her other son. He started to loosen his grip. 

“I’m sorry,” he said as he slowly broke their embrace. 

“You don’t need to apologize, Justin,” Laine said. “But I need you to think. Where would he go?” 

Justin put his hands behind his head, forcing his brain to think. “Ugh,” he grumbled and in the empty alley, his groan echoed against the brick buildings and empty alley. But then it hit him. It was about Hannah. When he had found him the night before, he had been slumped against the outhouse, mumbling about Hannah. It has always been about Hannah. 

“Mom. The Bakers. Let’s go!” He bolted to the car and she quickly followed him. Laine hurriedly climbed into the back seat while Justin pushed the seat back and jumped into the front, directing Tony where to go. 

He squealed out and began making turns through neighborhoods like getting to her house was something he knew like the back of his hand. The Bakers had long left the house they had lived in while they were in Evergreen, but it was the place Hannah died. 

Justin wasn’t a praying man, but he prayed he was there. 

In the back, Laine typed out a quick message to Matt:  _ Still nothing. Not at the Crestmont, headed to the old Baker place. Anything from Bill?  _

It only took a few seconds for Matt to respond back:  _ Thanks hun. Nothing so far. Entire force is out patrolling and checking hospitals and such. <3  _

In a matter of minutes, they arrived at the Baker house. The neighborhood was quiet; quaint. The clock had just slipped past midnight. Tony had the heat filling the car. Justin opened his door and began looking around the house. A new family now lived in the house and Justin didn’t want to disturb them or make it seem like he was scoping out the place. 

“Clay!” he whispered loudly. Nothing. Just the sound of crickets chirping in the chilled air. “Clay!” he said again peering around bushes. He could see his breath in the night air. 

By now everyone was out of the car calling out Clay’s name. Tony ran towards the back of the house calling out his name. Jess hung close to Laine. Four dark and scared souls calling out Clay’s name under the midnight sky. 

Nothing. 

Dejected and growing increasingly worried, the foursome gathered outside the car. 

“Where the fuck would he go, Foley?” Tony asked, surprisingly out of breath. 

“UGH! I don’t fucking know, Tony!” It came out louder than he intended, but at this point, he didn’t care. He just wanted to scream into the wind and hope Clay would hear him. Somewhere. Wherever he was. 

“Fuck!” Tony remarked. They all stood there in silence. Unsure of where to go next but equally unsure of what to do. “Alright, let’s go.”

They quietly and solemnly got back into the car and Tony took off to yet another destination. 

“Where are we going now?” Justin asked him, pulling out his phone and typing out another message to Clay.  _ Brother, I’m coming for you.  _

The car was silent. Tony knew where he was going. Justin watched the world pass outside his window. Laine kept looking at her phone. Jess texted the other search crew. Everyone heard Justin sniffle and saw him reach up and wipe the soft tears from his eyes. 

Tony quietly broke the silence. “Justin,” he said, reaching over and gently putting his hand on Justin’s thigh. “I’m sorry I was ever a dick to you. I didn’t trust you and didn’t like you to be honest. But you’re Clay’s brother now, so you’re my brother too. And we’re going to find him. You got it?” 

Justin just nodded his head, and quietly replied, “Yeah.” 

Tony continued to drive in silence until they reached the next stop. The cliffs he and Clay had climbed the day Tony took him from school. He had done so to help get Clay out of his own head. He had done it to try to get Clay to realize he was in control of his life. Now he hoped against all hope that maybe he’d come back here. But where to start? If he was here, he could be anywhere. Alive or dead.

He parked at the top of the climb and they all hurried, as fast as they could go in the dark, to the top of the cliffs. Tony had a flashlight with him so they all could know where to go and where to step. They reached the clearing and called out his name as loud as they could. “CLAY!” It came from Tony. Then Justin. Then Jess. And then Laine. 

Then they listened. Up on top of the cliff it was silence. Pure, nature-owned silence. And no voice response from Clay. 

“CLAY!” Justin screamed again from the edge of the cliff. His eyes had adjusted to the dark and he saw Evergreen down below. The town he’d grown up in. The town he called home. And the town that had given him his family. 

Looking out over the city, he was taken aback to the night Clay had texted him that he needed him. He had been packed and on his way out of town, again, and Clay pulled him back from the brink. Now Justin needed to do the same. He had to find his brother. He was on the brink. 

And it hit him. And it hit Tony at the same time. They snapped and looked at each other. Across the sky and the river. “Her grave,” Justin said. “The cemetery,” Tony said at the same time. 

They hurried as a group back to the car. Tony slammed his door shut, revved up the car and took off down the winding road. 

Justin pulled out his phone and still nothing from Clay. He quietly said to himself, “I’m coming for you bro. Just please be there.” 

Once Tony was back onto the main road, he sped through town. He slowed for stop signs but didn’t stop. Give me a fucking ticket, he thought to himself. 

It had been Hannah the whole time. 

Reaching the other side of the river, Tony’s tires squealed as he took the turns up the hill at a much faster speed than the speed limits demanded. Tonight, at this moment, those didn’t matter. Not to Tony or anyone in the car. 

Pulling into the cemetery, Tony knew where Hannah’s grave was located. He tore his way through the winding grassy drive and pulled to a stop near her site. Justin didn’t wait for the car to come to a complete stop. He jumped out and flipped the seat forward and helped Laine out. Then he took off for her headstone. 

Just enough light came from the moon to help him see where he was going so he wouldn’t trip over anyone’s stone and hurt himself. 

Then he found it. It was Hannah Baker’s large stone. And a body curled up in front of it. 

“Fuck, Clay!” Justin screamed, running towards him. He slid on his knees and curled up next to him, pulling his dead weight close to him. Laine was right behind him. 

“Clay!” she screamed, sliding up next to Justin, holding Clay’s cold body. 

Justin felt for a pulse. It was there, but he was freezing. “Tony! Help me!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are halfway through my re-creation of Season 4 of 13RW. Thank you so much for going on this journey with me. I can't wait to take you through the final half. 
> 
> Please share this with your friends and fellow 13RW lovers! 
> 
> And if you want to know more about me: https://www.richarddedor.com/13-reasons-why-by-richard-dedor


	6. Broken

Tony’s car was not meant to take five full-grown adults anywhere. It was especially not equipped to take four happy and worried adults and one other adult, on the verge of hypothermia anywhere. But Jess and Laine sat in the back, Laine’s hand reaching through the seats, and Clay sitting on Justin’s lap as well as he could. Tony had the heat blasting and Justin tried to use his body heat to warm Clay. He was ice cold but breathing. 

Jess texted the entire group: GORDON LIGHTFOOT. FOUND HIM. MEET AT HOSPITAL. 

“Do you want me to call Matt?” Jess asked. 

Laine couldn’t believe she’d forgotten to do it herself. In the haze of finding Clay and dragging him to the car, she’d forgotten. “Yes, Jess. Thank you,” was all she could say. She kept stroking her oldest son’s arm. Hoping. Praying. 

They had found him. Now they needed to save him. 

Tony made great time getting from the cemetery all the way to the hospital. He whipped his car into the emergency lane and Justin struggled to pull himself and Clay out of the car. As Tony rounded the front to help him get out, he screamed through the glass doors, “We need help out here!” 

A nurse arrived just as Justin pulled Clay’s mostly limp body out of the front seat. Upon seeing the situation, she hurried back inside and grabbed a gurney. Tony and Justin held him while they waited. Each second passed was another second away from death. 

Finally the nurse came back and helped them get Clay onto the gurney and hurriedly wheeled him into the hospital. Justin and Laine quickly followed. Him pushing with the nurse and Laine answered her questions. 

The doctor was already waiting and began taking vitals and prepping the saline line which was already warmed up to help bring his core temperature up. “95.3.” Laine heard as she held Clay’s hand. The nurses quickly tossed a heat blanket on top of him while the doctor kept taking vitals. 

“Ma’am,” the nurse softly said to Laine. She didn’t move or flinch from her perch at the head of the gurney. She tried again. “Mrs. Jensen,” she said. 

Still no response. 

Justin reached out and touched her arm, “Mom?” His gentle touch broke her out of her trance. She looked at him. Her eyes red, face colorless. “They want to talk to you.” 

The nurse gave Justin a half smile while he continued to hold Clay’s cold hand under the heat blanket. He listened to what the doctor was telling Laine. His temp was borderline but they were slowly bringing it back up. His other vitals were promising and he hadn’t been in water, so that was a big plus. They were going to keep him in the ER for the time being but the signs looked good. 

Then they asked them both to leave the room for a bit so they could do a larger exam and prepare the rest of his treatment. Both Laine and Justin gave a concerning look. The doctor held up his hands. “There is nothing to worry about, it will just go faster if we have a clear room and I’m sure Clay would appreciate the privacy. Nurse Katherine will show you to the waiting room and we will be out soon. Promise.” 

Justin wrapped his arm around Laine and helped her leave her other son behind with strangers. They followed the nurse to a quiet empty waiting area. 

It was meant to be a comforting space; private, relaxing, but budget had clearly been an issue. The couches were as old as Justin and made of very cheap fake leather. When he sat down, his butt felt the wood underneath. So much for comfort, he thought to himself as Laine worked to get some coffee from the machine. Now nearing three in the morning, they had been up nearly 24 hours and they were both mentally and physically exhausted. 

The last time Justin was in this hospital was a few years ago when his mom had overdosed; yet again. He didn’t get to sit in this room. He didn’t have the money to buy a coffee while he waited to find out if she was going to live or die. That day had been one of her worst. Another boyfriend had left and taken what little cash they had stashed away. He had come home from hanging out with Bryce and the gang and found her stretched out on the couch with a needle still stuck in her arm. She barely weighed 100 lbs at the time. He ripped the needle out and quickly called 911. And held her and begged her to wake up. The paramedics arrived after a few long minutes. By the time they did, his voice was hoarse from screaming at her to wake up. He rode with her in the ambulance and continued to beg her to wake up. She was white. The sweat dripped off his forehead. He held her hand. He didn’t want her to die. And as much as she wasn’t a good mom, she was still his mom. 

When they arrived at the ER, the doctors immediately wheeled her into a private room and told Justin to wait in the waiting room. He watched the doctors come and go and bring IV bags and other medications. A nurse broke his trance asking for his insurance information. He didn’t know what to do. He explained his mom didn’t have a job and they didn’t have insurance. How the hell are we going to pay for this, Justin thought to himself. They would never be able to. She understood and left him to himself; waiting and pacing for news. 

Laine sat down next to him, the sound of the fake leather creaking brought him back to the present. He took the coffee from her outstretched hand. He didn’t hesitate to lift the cup to his lips and take a sip. 

The liquid was scalding hot. “Fuck.” Justin exclaimed. “That’s hot!” He smacked his lips together to regain feeling, while Laine chuckled watching her son. Her life had changed so much in the last two years, but here she was, sitting in a hospital waiting room with her second son, waiting for her first son, and surprisingly happy. She reached over and gently grabbed his leg. 

He lifted the coffee back up to his lips for a second sip, more cautiously this time. He sipped, swallowed, and then turned to Laine. 

“Fuck, that’s terrible coffee,” he stated. 

That made them both laugh. Laine also took a sip to check his assessment off the coffee. She swallowed. “God,” she agreed. “That is terrible.” 

They both laughed again. But still took more sips in silence. As Justin neared the end of his cup, he began to tell Laine about his memory with his mom. 

“The last time I was here at the hospital,” he began, “my mom ODed.” Her eyes met his. Laine just sat and looked at him. She didn’t want to interrupt and say something wrong. They were all hurting. They were all worried. 

“I’d come home and found her passed out with a needle in her arm. She had recently broken up with another boyfriend, Jack. He was mostly nice. He never actually hurt me physically, but was just another drug addict who took my mom away from me. I found her half on the couch, half off. It was a few years ago so I was like 13 or 14 and I had had a really good day. Did well on a test, had a good practice, hung out with friends.” 

He took a deep swallow to hold back tears; remembering the moment he walked into the door. Thinking it was over. Just like tonight. “Anytime my mom was single, she was still on drugs, but she was better … you know? She was at least attentive and we sometimes had food on the table. But this time was bad. She’d fallen hard and when Jack left, she did everything. I found her, ripped the needle out of her arm and called 911. I sat in the waiting room alone. Just waiting for a nurse to come out and say, ‘sorry kid, your mom died.’ She obviously didn’t, but I did lose her. By then, she was already gone.” He stood up and started to pace the room. 

“Tonight, searching for Clay. I know he’s been spiraling and I should have said something sooner. But Mom, I’m not losing him too.”

It was at this moment that Matt walked into the room and immediately rushed towards Laine. They hugged over in the corner while Justin stood by. 

“Kiddo, get over here,” Matt ordered, holding out an arm for Justin. He walked over and buried his head into their family circle. “You found him,” he said. 

“We all did,” he said. 

They broke their family hug, but Matt kept his arm around Laine and his other hand on Justin’s shoulder. “Justin,” he began. “We are a family. We win together. We lose together. We celebrate together. And we hurt together. You found your brother and we are not losing him.”

Justin returned the gesture onto Matt’s shoulder, gripping tightly. In 17 years, he had never had a father. And over the last year, he had enjoyed more than his fair share of conversations and moments with Matt. After a lifetime with no father, and often, with men who hurt and abused him, standing in the waiting room, awaiting news on his brother -- a laughable thought just a year ago -- with his hand on his dad’s shoulder, he understood how much a father’s love meant. He understood what it finally meant to be a man. And he understood what it meant to be a brother. 

As they stood there together, holding each other, they were all startled by the door opening and the attending doctor walking in quietly. As if on cue, they broke their stance, but stayed together. Justin on the end, Matt in the middle, Laine on the opposite end. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Jensen, Justin, I’m Dr. Wilson and I have been treating your son and your brother Clay,” he started. “First of all, let me say, it appears Clay is going to be okay.” Immediately, Justin spun in his shoes and wrapped his arms around Matt’s neck; Laine joined them. While they hugged, the doctor continued. 

“Clay’s temperature was very low when he came in, verging on hypothermia. We slowly warmed him up to allow his body to re-acclimate to a normal body temperature. As we did, his vitals returned to normal. We don’t see any signs of frostbite, but he is slightly dehydrated and we are giving him IV fluids. All in all, Clay is very lucky you found him when you did. We’re going to keep him a day or two to observe to ensure his body gets back to normal regulation, but you’ll be able to go see him soon.” 

Laine squeezed Matt’s hand and he squeezed back. Matt held out his hand, “Thank you doctor.” They shook and Laine smiled happily through her tears. The doctor turned to leave and as he pulled the door open, turned back around for a final note. 

“Oh,” he began, with a smile on his face, “I’m sure you won’t be surprised, but there is a pretty large group in the waiting room here for you.” 

As the door swung shut, they all let out a collective sigh of relief. Clay would be okay. Rubbing his eyes, Justin looked up at the clock on the wall. It read a quarter past five. There was no way he was going to get to school today. “I’m going to go tell everyone the good news,” Justin said. “Is that okay?” 

Laine reached her hand out to Justin. “Of course,” she said grabbing his arm. “Go tell everyone the good news.” They shared a mother son smirk. As Justin reached the door, she called out to him. “Justin …” He turned and looked back. “Thank you.” 

Walking out of the stuffy room, Justin, awake for nearly 24 hours, he walked with energy and excitement. Things were going to be okay. He rounded the corner to find -- much to his surprise -- the waiting room packed with, well, with everyone. Jess was the first one to come up to him and give him a hug. And soon, Charlie, Alex, Zach, Tony, and even members of the football team were there. Even though he hadn’t given them any news, his face probably gave away the current situation update. It was Bill who asked. “How is Clay, Justin?” 

The room got quiet at the question. Everyone put their eyes on Justin. 

“The doctor just told us that Clay will be fine.” The room erupted; a frowned-upon outburst for five in the morning. “He’ll be here for a few days, but they say he should be okay.” 

“You did a good job, Justin,” Bill said reaching out his hand. 

“Thank you, sir,” he responded. Soon Bill was pushed to the side as he was enveloped with more hugs from the group. 

Justin saw Tony standing off in the corner. He walked over and stood in front of him. “Tony,” he said sticking his hand out, “We found him. He’s going to be okay.” Tony looked up, his eyes red. 

“Dude,” Tony said as he waved-off the handshake and wrapped his arms around Justin. 

“Easy man,” Justin squicked, laughing at Tony’s burst of enthusiasm. They shared a tensed laugh. 

Tony broke the embrace and looked at Justin, “Mind if we go someplace to chat?” 

Justin nodded, agreeing. They walked, to nowhere in particular, but together. They made their way to the emergency room doors. The same doors that Clay had been rolled through just a few hours prior. 

The sun was starting to come up and the air outside was crisp. Just the thought of the cold air made Justin shiver. The air felt like Clay’s skin had felt when he’d reached him at Hannah’s grave. “This had better be good, Tony,” Justin joked. 

Tony turned to face Justin, eyes red. “Foley …” he began, stressed and exacerbated. Justin held up his hands; a truce called. 

Tenstions reset, Tony struggled to find the words. He paced in a tight space in front of Justin. He raised his arms and put his hands behind his head. “Tony,” Justin interrupted. “What’s going on?” 

Tony, like Justin, was low on sleep and had just come face to face with death, again. “Foley,” he finally started, shoving his hands into the pockets of his patented leather jacket. “Look, I never liked you.” 

The statement made Justin laugh. “Good morning to you too!” 

“You were arrogant, cocky, and you were one of them. The jocks. And then everything happened with Hannah and you were part of the group trying to hide everything and then you threatened Clay. He’s my family.” He pointed towards the hospital. “We’ve been best friends for years. I didn’t want to go to Oakland to find you but he insisted. And when he told me he was going to ask you about the adoption, I told him not to do it. But, I was wrong.” 

A silence fell between them. Two nearly-adult men, standing face-to-face, having a heart-to-heart in the crisp air. So crisp that they could see their breath in the air. 

“You have surprised me, Foley. You are just like Clay. You show up. You care about people. And you don’t quit. So, I just wanted to really say two things. I’m sorry, and … and I know now what Clay knew then. You’re a good guy. You proved that last night.” 

Justin stood there looking at Tony. Even before he actually knew Clay, he knew Clay and Tony were best friends. Tony drove the bright red car and Clay was usually in it. He’d made jokes that they were gay together, but he never actually believed it. And now, standing here, he knew what it meant to be a friend. A real friend. Someone who would do anything simply out of love for someone else. 

“Look, I,” Justin began, and hesitated. Tony reached out and put his hand on his shoulder. Justin looked up. “Thanks.” They smiled at each other. It had been six hours of hell. But their friend was safe. 

“Fuck,” Tony said. “It’s freezing. Let’s go inside.” 

Justin hung out in the waiting room all day. He caught short and incredibly uncomfortable naps throughout the day. Matt and Laine came and went with small updates every so often, and each time they came back, Justin would sit up and ask for the latest updates. 

Each time, whomever had the information would share it, reassure him, then ask if he needed anything. He’d mostly said no, he’s fine, but finally agreed to go with Matt to get lunch.

Along the way, they passed doctors and nurses and families waiting for their own updates on their loved ones. Somehow they were both awake and coherent, but silence fell between them. They weren’t angry. They weren’t anything, really. Just tired. Exhausted. And still worried. Only Matt and Laine had been in to see him so far. They were waiting for Clay to wake up before letting Justin in. Matt handed Justin a food tray and they both started to pick out random food items. Matt grabbed a grilled cheese sandwich, Justin a chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and gravy. The choice made Matt laugh out loud. He definitely had a teenage son on his hands. 

“Is he really okay?” Justin asked, breaking the silence between them. 

Matt stopped grabbing for food and looked over at Justin, “He will be. Promise.” Justin accepted his answer while Matt paid for their food. 

“How are you doing, Justin?” Matt asked as he devoured his grilled cheese. Justin loved Matt. Sometimes he was a professor with big words and deep thoughts and sometimes, like right now with a basic grilled cheese sandwich in his hand. 

With his own mouth-full of potatoes and gravy, he mumbled, “I’m okay.” 

“Really?” Matt asked. He always pushed Justin to be more open. To go deeper than the surface. It had become more a part of their coffee routine. Just talking. Over the past months, Justin had opened up about Jess, about his mom, about maybe even going to college one day. He had never even thought it would be possible. Sure, he was a decent athlete, but not scholarship-level-talented. Until the Jensens, his life was going to consist of low-level jobs, just getting by, and probably some level of drug use. He hadn’t quite said all of that to Matt, but Matt knew. And not a coffee chat went by where Matt didn’t make sure to tell Justin he loved him. 

“I’m tired if that’s what you’re asking,” Justin said, with a tinge of snarkiness. “But overall, I’m just worried about Clay.” 

Matt took a sip of his soda. “And I’m worried about you. I don’t want you to neglect yourself. Your own health. We will get help for Clay. I don’t want you worried about him, okay? You are your top priority. And you and Clay are our top priority.” Matt took the last bite of his sandwich while he let the statement settle in. 

He played with his potatoes thinking about Matt’s statement. Deep down he knew he didn’t need to find the solution for Clay. But it was his brother. Nothing was ever going to come between them. And he could not sit by on the sidelines while he struggled to regain his footing. His entire life, he had been the one to solve the problems and he was going to help solve this one too. 

“Yeah, I know,” Justin responded, quietly. 

His response wasn’t good enough. “No, Justin,” Matt pushed back. “Laine and I will do whatever we have to do for Clay. Just like we have done and will continue to do for you.” He again paused and tried to let it sink in. Justin was hard. But he was also hardened. It was a symptom of his years of neglect and never being given the love he deserved. 

“When Clay brought you into our lives, we didn’t know what to do. And we did the best we could. But, and you don’t know this, Laine and I knew pretty early on that you coming into our lives was going to change everything. In the best way. You helped push Clay and got him out of his shell. You, Justin, are important. You are loved. And you are my son. And, well, at least for a few more months, I’m the boss of you. So, I’m telling you to not worry.” 

They both laughed. Matt always had a way with his words. They had long lost their impact with Clay, but not with Justin. He had 16 years to catch up on conversations with Matt. 

“There is a piece by William Adam that I think you’ll like,” Matt stated. He caught a half-eye roll from Justin, but he’s intrigued and wants to clearly hear more and see where this lesson will go. “Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on. I ran and ran and could never quite catch it. But, oh, the sights and sounds I did see. Forever, I will cherish thee.” 

Justin had a puzzled look on his face. “What does it mean?”

“It means that time is going to keep going. We can’t stop it. And you can’t stop it. Just like you can’t stop bad things from happening. We can try. But we will always be fighting to keep our better angels from being shouted down from our demons. But here’s the thing, Justin. I’ll always be standing right next to you and in front. Always.” 

Matt let the silence between them build, allowing Justin a chance to think about the lesson he’d just shared. He hoped it started to sink into Justin what being a member of the Jensen family was all about. He thought he caught a slight smirk on his face as their silence was interrupted. 

“Oh, hey boys,” they both heard the familiar voice. Laine. For no sleep, she was surprisingly chipper. The latest news from the doctor was good and they were in the process of moving him to his own room. Both Justin and Matt smiled at the positive news. She slid into the chair next to Justin. 

Matt and Laine made small talk while Justin finished his lunch. Watching him eat, they knew for certain he was still a growing teenager. In this, he and Clay were polar opposites. Clay had always been a slow eater; more of a grazer. Justin inhaled everything he saw. Sometimes they wondered if perhaps it was because he was experienced in going hungry and wanted to ensure he had enough food in him in case he would have to go days without food. Other times, like now, they just chalked it up to him being a teenager. 

“Coach called me a bit ago and is in the lobby waiting to chat,” Justin stated. “Is it okay if I go chat with him for a bit?”

“Of course,” Laine answered. “We will text you once Clay is settled and you guys can hang out, okay?” 

“Thanks,” Justin said as he pushed his chair back from the table and stood up. He picked up all his napkins and other trash and grabbed his tray and began to walk away. A few steps into his walk, he stopped and turned around. He paused for a second. He made his way back to the table, placing his tray on the edge. Both Laine and Matt watched intently while Justin paused. It was an awkward silence, but Justin didn’t say anything. He took another step forward, leaned down, and wrapped his arms around Matt’s neck. “Thanks dad,” he whispered. He didn’t wait for a response. He just turned, grabbed his tray and walked out of the cafeteria. 

Over the last year, Coach Kerba had been a bit of a second, or third father for Justin. Outside of Matt, Kerba was there for Justin in good times and in bad. But he also knew and understood the journey Justin was on with his recovery. He had stood up to Justin’s bull-shit attitude -- one of Bryce’s many gifts -- and helped mold him into the man he was slowly becoming. 

“Coach,” Justin said as he made it to the waiting area of the hospital. Kerba was surrounded by Charlie, Alex, Jess, Zach, and a small smattering of other teammates. He took a minute to thank all his teammates for being there to support him. There would probably always be a part of him that wouldn’t believe Clay was his brother, but he was. And his teammates knew and respected that. Clay wasn’t a friend. He was Justin’s brother. 

After a few minutes, Kerba motioned for Justin to join him outside. It was already past noon and the temperature outside had risen from the cold temperature from the night before and walking outside, it was quite pleasant. 

They made their way to a bench overlooking a green area near the hospital and both sat down. “Hey,” Kerba began, “how are you? You good?” 

Justin couldn’t help but laugh. “Aside from being exhausted and my brother being in the hospital, I’m about as good as can be, given the circumstances.” 

Kerba gave him a smirk. Justin always had a way of being a smart ass, but truthful at the same time. “I hear you’re the one who found Clay?” 

Justin explained that he had been the one, along with Tony, to figure out what had been bothering Clay. Kerba gave him props for knowing his brother. It’s odd, how quickly he came to know and understand Clay. But now, after a year or more of living together, and talking about nearly everything, he knew Clay almost better than he knew himself. 

“Look, Justin, you both have been through a lot. And I wanna be straight with you. Are you okay?” 

Justin looked out over the scene in front of him. The last 24 hours had been a whirlwind. Hell, the last year had been crazy. He just wanted everything to calm down. He wanted to graduate and maybe go to college. He wanted to just have as normal a life as possible. “To be honest,” Justin began, taking a breath, “I’m so thankful and will always be thankful for being a part of the Jensen family but like, on the other hand it’s like, what did I do to deserve this? Like, I was a dick to Clay. I was an ass to everyone. And here I am.” 

Kerba let the words sink in. He reached over and put his hand firmly on his shoulder. “Look, Justin,” he stated firmly and matter of factly, “you deserve everything in this life. It is easy to question it. It’s hard to live it. But each day man, you just gotta live it.”

Sobriety was hard. There were moments where Justin certainly thought about using again. Not because he wanted to get high. Sometimes he wanted the pain and the worry and the regret to go away. Sitting there with Kerba made him feel safe, but also weak. A hit would feel so good right now, he thought to himself. It’s the constant struggle of an addict. 

A question from Kerba broke his thinking. “You got all your college applications in?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, now I’m just waiting to hear back,” he responded. The thought of college still seemed outside his own body. Justin Foley, college student. The phrases didn’t go together. He had spent years just striving to stay alive. Find food. Get clothes. And just put one foot in front of the other. 

“Have you talked to your mom lately?” 

The question threw him for a loop. He honestly hadn’t thought of Amber Foley in a long time. He mentioned her to Laine last night, but there was not much thought in that. After the adoption, he had worked really hard, especially with Dr. Edelman to dive deeper into his relationship with her. He had found a way to segment his two lives: pre- and post-Jensen. But those conversations and even some sessions with Matt and Laine had helped him move forward from his past life. 

“No, not really,” Justin answered quietly. “I don’t really have a reason to talk to her anymore. I don’t really miss her; I miss the thought of her.”

“I know it’s hard, man,” Kerba said. “But you deserve everything in this life. Everything.” 

They sat in silence, looking over the comings and going of people. Some arriving for tests. Some coming for their work shift. And some rushing to check on their loved ones. 

“Thanks coach,” Justin said, standing up. He reached out to shake Kerba’s hand. He’d been there through thick and thin and he was really the only one who knew and actually understood all the feelings, emotions, and challenges with being and remaining sober. 

They went their separate ways and Justin sent off a quick text to Laine. Justin was ready to see and spend some time with Clay. Before Clay, Justin never cared if he saw Bryce or Monty or any of the guys consistently. They were friends and buddies. But Clay was different. They had bonded and he felt happier, safer, calmer, and simply just better when they had each other. 

His phone dinged for his attention while he walked. It was Laine. Hey Justin! Clay is ready to see you. Come on up to room 414. See you soon! 

He didn’t need to be told twice. He hurried to the elevator and pressed the “4” as rapidly as he could. He hadn’t seen Clay since he left him in the ER with the doctors earlier that morning. Four flights seemed to take forever. The doors dinged open and he scanned the sign quickly to figure out if he was supposed to go left or right. Right. He turned and hurried towards his room. The corridor seemed like a mile long. 402. 404. 406. 408. 410. 412. 

414\. 

He stood in the doorway and took a deep breath. From the hallway, he could hear the television on and the family laughing. His family. Yeah, he wasn’t going to see a friend from school. His brother was in the room. He took a step in and kept walking until he rounded the corner and saw Matt and Laine sitting next to Clay’s bed, with Clay sitting up, eating the same lunch he had devoured a little bit earlier. 

“Hey,” Justin said. He wasn’t sure what to say or how Clay actually was. 

“Hey,” Clay responded. “Dad said you had this for lunch too?”

“Uh, yeah,” Justin laughed. “It’s actually fucking delicious.” 

They both laughed. Matt and Laine joined in the laughter. Sometimes it is the little things. The seemingly everyday moments that make everything real. One of the things, despite all of the serious conversations that always lurked around the corner in the Jensen house, was their closeness. And that closeness was forged in laughter and love. Even in the hospital, they maintained this approach. 

“Mind if I talk to Justin alone?” Clay asked, breaking the silence. Matt and Laine shared a glance, looked at Clay, and then both nodded to each other. 

“Yeah, honey,” Laine agreed. “We will go for a walk and be back in a bit.” They walked towards the door, both of them giving Justin gentle hugs and pats on the shoulder. The door closed behind them. Despite everything, they trusted them. These two boys who had been through fire together and would walk through fire together. They knew in their hearts there was no limit to their loyalty. 

“How are you feeling?” Justin began with nervous small talk. It made Clay laugh. He knew situations like this made him uncomfortable. 

“I’m actually … okay,” he answered. “Dr. Edelman was here for a bit and we talked. And for real, this food is amazing. Why do people hate on hospital food so much?” Clay laughed.

“What happened?” Justin asked, directly and without hesitation. 

With a deep sigh, Clay pushed himself up on the bed and began to explain what had been going on. “I guess it’s been going on for awhile and been getting worse and worse.” Justin sat down in the chair next to the impersonal metal bed and continued to listen. “I’ve been trying to replace Hannah in my head and obviously not succeeding. And lately, you’ve been doing so well and I could feel myself getting worse, and when you were gone, I had no one to talk to and just … got lost.”

Watching his brother tell his story, Justin’s heart broke. His brother was laid up in a hospital bed and part of it was his fault. He had needed to get help and left him alone. 

“Look, I,” he began, but Clay stopped him. 

“Justin, none of this is your fault.” Clay pushed back against Justin’s constant fight to take on the weight of the world. “I fucked up.” 

“Man, stop,” Justin interrupted. “You may have fucked up, and I have definitely fucked up enough in this life. But you fucking scared me Clay. Running around town, fighting with Tony trying to figure out where you were. And then finding you. Shit man.”

He took a deep breath. Clay watched. His throat tightened and he saw Justin wipe a tear from the side of his eye. 

“I can’t lose you man. I don’t know when it happened, but you’re the most important person in my life Clay. Just promise me, please promise me, you’ll keep going. You’ll keep holding on. That you won’t shut me out again. Promise me Clay.” 

Clay reached his hand over and grabbed Justin’s. Somehow they had ended up here. Two enemies; fighting for each other. He gripped tightly. 

“I can’t promise it will always be easy. I’m broken. But I promise to keep living for the living. To keep trying to be better. And I promise,” he said as he squeezed Justin’s hand. “I promise to always be a brother to you.” 

Justin squeezed back. “Can I ask you something? I mean, you don’t have to answer, but I want you to, but I understand if you can’t or whatever.” 

“Yeah, of course.” 

He took a breath, thinking about not asking and just leaving it alone, but he wanted to open their lines of communication again. “What brought you to this point?” 

Clay let Justin’s hand go. He rubbed his face; which desperately needed a shower. “I never wanted a brother, Justin. And when we went to find you in Oakland, I didn’t really care about you. I only cared about Hannah. It was always about her. But it can’t be. She’s not coming back. Deep down, I know that. I have to let her go. And I’m working on it. These last few days and weeks really it’s just all been building. And when Ani broke up with me, everything just imploded. I’m obviously worried about … you know. But you. You were a friend when I needed it. You saved me. Fuck, you saved my life, Justin.” Clay was crying now, thinking about being on Bryce’s front porch with a gun. Thinking about how Justin has come when he needed him. And how again, last night, Justin had saved him. “I know I’ve been a shit brother to you. But I will be better. You’re my brother for the rest of my fucked up life. And I’m so thankful for you.” 

After all of the fighting between the two, the arguing, and the laughter, the only thing now was silence. There was no tension. The animosity was long gone. All that remained was genuine love. 

“Clay,” Justin began. “You saved my life, too. And I try every day not to fuck it up. But you’re my brother. And you’re stuck with me now.” 

Clay chuckled through his remaining tears. There was nothing left to be said. There were questions that remained unanswered and for the time being, they would remain so. Clay was thankful to be alive. Justin was thankful to be with his brother again. 

“But for real,” Justin broke the silence, “the food was delicious, right?” 

They relaxed for a bit longer in silence before Matt and Laine returned. It amazed Justin -- probably always would -- how easily everyone got along. He had spent his entire life fighting with his mom’s boyfriends and hookups and watching drug deals go down in his living room. This, this was home. Even in a hospital room, he had spent his life dreaming about something normal like this. The further he got from his makeshift home, the more comfortable he became; he also got angrier and more frustrated by his own experience. He never understood why he grew up the way he did and why his mother was never capable or willing to love him the way he needed. But here he was, in a hospital room, keeping watch over his brother with his mom and dad not far behind. 

“Is it okay if I head home?” Justin asked. “I’m exhausted.” 

Matt and Laine shared a quick glance. “Yeah, kiddo,” Matt agreed. He reached into his pocket and tossed him his keys. “You can take my car. Just get home and get some rest.” 

Laine reached out and gave him a hug. “Text me when you get home. I love you.” 

Without hesitation commonplace among their male friends, Justin leaned down and gave Clay a giant hug. “I’m glad you’re okay. I’ll text you later.” 

“Maybe clean up the room before I get back?” Clay joked. 

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that,” Justin laughed back. 

Just 24 hours before, Clay had left the house on a seemingly innocuous run. Now he lay in a hospital bed. He was headed home to sleep for the first time in two days. The sun bouncing off the trees produced a beautiful view. Even without leaves, the light broke through and created striking shadows across the roadway. 

Life was often broken like the light. One moment you’re in the brightness able to see the future. And just as suddenly, you’re tossed into darkness. A labyrinth of the unknown. Only to be blinded by the light when you least expect it. A lifetime of blinding light and darkness. But they go hand in hand. To get to the light, you must find your way out of the darkness. Light and darkness. Clay and Justin. Amber and drugs. 

In the shadows, Justin put the car in park and walked to the front door. He knocked and waited. It had started to get dark and he looked over his shoulder to check to see if anyone was watching. No one even noticed he was there. He knocked again. No sounds came from inside the house. 

He checked the rock. Nothing. Under the mat. Dry. In the mailbox. Bingo. He slid the key into the lock and twisted the door-handle. Inside was dark. It was messy. A few beer bottles littered the coffee table. Mail and random trash was everywhere. Her room was empty. The refrigerator only had a few items of food. A soda and the remnants of a six pack of beer. 

From the kitchen, he saw it sitting on the coffee table. He knew the look of his favorite pills anywhere. He walked quickly to the table, bent over, and shoved the few pills into his pocket. 

His mom was nowhere to be found. He wasn’t going to wait around. He put the key back in the mailbox and settled back into the car. It was now dark outside. He flipped on the lights, pushed the start button, and pulled away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a lot to cram into this chapter, so I'm sorry! Thank you so much for going on this journey with me. I can't wait to take you through the final half.
> 
> Please share this with your friends and fellow 13RW lovers!
> 
> And if you want to know more about me: https://www.richarddedor.com/13-reasons-why-by-richard-dedor


	7. The Day After Tomorrow

The outhouse was a mess. Maybe Clay was right that Justin should clean it up a bit before he came back. Thank God Clay is coming back, Justin thought. Looking across the room at Clay’s side, the thought of him never coming home was too much to bear. But cleaning could wait. He first needed sleep. 

His head hit the pillow hard. He was physically exhausted and his mind was spent. Over the past 24 hours, his emotions had been all over the board and now he was glad to be home. Clay was safe, but the room without hin was far too quiet. He always had EDM music or some other melancholy tune playing while he read his comics at night before bed. It was the same comics that he had read, cover-to-cover while he was getting sober the first time. It was an example of yet another moment when Clay’s personality wore off on Justin. He remembered sitting in the room upstairs, not able to put them down, flipping page after page while Clay laughed at how hooked he had become. 

When Matt and Laine offered to create this shared room, they had talked a lot about how they would live together in a shared space. Neither one of them had ever shared a room and there would certainly be brotherly issues that would pop up. 

They all went together shopping to find the perfect furniture for a teenage boy pad. Clay was ecstatic. He’d wanted new furniture for a long time and now they had a reason to get it. Justin was a bit more apathetic. Matt watched from afar while Laine talked him through all the different options and features of a bed that would be his and only his. 

A few weeks later when all the furniture was delivered, they made it a family thing. Justin laughed when he started unpacking his bed because it seemed that everything with the Jensens was a “family thing.” Movie night. Making dinner. Going out to dinner. It was always a family thing. This was just another one of those experiences. Clay and Matt struggled to put together their bed. Either they weren’t handy or they were just a terrible team. But somehow, Justin and Laine managed to get his bed put together first. Maybe it was Justin’s meticulous following of the directions. Or maybe because Laine just wanted to assist him and not lead him. But in the end, when Justin stood up and admired the bed he had put together, Laine could see the look in his eyes. It was pride, appreciation, and calm. His life had been a turbulent plane ride filled with dips and seat-belt warnings. And even with a finalized adoption and his place in the family secured, it was only just setting in that the bumpy ride was beginning to level out. 

That first night, after they had all worked together to put together the beds, the dresser, and the center table, they had a pizza party in the television area as a family. And when Matt and Laine left them alone Clay and Justin stayed up for hours. They sat on their beds; talking. While they had been living together for months, they had never really stayed up and acted like brothers. 

“Thanks Clay,” Justin said as his head finally landed on his pillow after the long day of family time. 

“For what?” he laughed. 

“You know,” he sighed. “Just … everything.” 

“Yeah,” Clay responded in his typical short-answer style. 

“Do you think,” Justin began, “that if the tapes had not happened, we would have become friends?” 

The thought was an interesting one, but after thinking for a moment and remembering life before Hannah, he knew the answer and answered for him. “Probably not, Clay. But, I’m glad we did become friends.”

Silence fell between them for a moment, both of them thinking back to a time when they weren’t friends and they weren’t enemies. Just in existence going to the same school who knew of each other. 

In Clay’s nature, he made a sudden subject change, “If you could only play one sport, basketball or football, which would it be?” 

Justin was learning that Clay had a quirk about him. While he was wicked smart, he definitely had a socially awkward streak about him and this was a perfect example. Maybe it happens when he’s nervous or uncomfortable. Or maybe Justin was used to living life on the edge and not being nervous about life’s random moments and awkward silences. 

“Clay, man, I’m terrible at football. I just played because I needed something to do and all my friends played.” He laughed. Kerba would argue he was a decent player, but he wasn’t the best by any means, but he always played with heart. “I would definitely play basketball.” 

“I never really got into sports,” Clay followed. “Maybe I would have been good at swimming or maybe something like cross country.” Clay trailed off in his mind thinking about the things he had already missed in his school by keeping to himself. 

Now Justin was the one to make a subject change. Shit, he’s rubbing off on me already, Justin thought to himself. “Why did you want to adopt me?” 

“To set the record straight, I,” Clay began, emphasizing the I in the statement, “didn’t want to adopt you … my parents did. But I agreed. And I think it was because after living with you and getting to know you, I found that I liked you. I enjoyed your company. And that you … well … you were a good guy.”

They stayed up and continued talking about school, the adoption, girls and dating. Justin gave Clay tips on dating and Clay gave Justin tips on school. 

The room was silent. The only sound came from the refrigerator across the room. Clay’s bed lay perfectly made across from him. On Justin’s side, he lay curled up under his covers awaiting sleep which would come at any second. 

And now, all Justin wanted was a family thing. Another pizza and movie night. A room filled with laughter and happiness and joy, and most of all, love. 

Sleep came. Restless as it was. But it came. He tossed and turned all night. Each noise woke him up and he didn’t get more than 30 minutes at a time without waking up, checking the time, and realizing he had only slept a tiny amount of time. 

By the time seven rolled around, he was ready to be up. He was not rested, but he was ready to be up and done with tossing and turning. He threw his feet over the edge of the bed and looked across the room. The bed was still made. It was his first night alone in the room. He groaned. He wasn’t supposed to be here alone. He rubbed his face and let out a deep sigh. Today was also the day of his first college interview. Somehow, they saw something in his application and wanted to learn more. 

He still couldn’t believe it, to be honest. Justin, a college student? But what was once seemingly just a joke to even think about, was now a real possibility. Leaving his unmade bed behind him, he dragged his tired body to the shower. Clay was always the first one up, so getting a clean and empty shower was a weird experience. No fogged up mirror or luke-warm water this time. He turned on the spray super-hot. He stepped in, safely, his legs still feeling the effects of the last few days. He stood under the hot water spray, letting the water collide with his chest and billabong away in every direction. He bent his head forward and the water coated his hair, sliding down his shoulders all the way down to his fingers before splashing down at his feet. 

Today was a big day. Building up a lather in his hair, he scrubbed away the stress of the last day. It wasn’t just the last day he was scrubbing. It was the last 17 years of feeling unworthy, of feeling like he didn’t have a chance in the world. That was the past. Today it changed. His family had fought too hard, sacrificed too much, and believed in him too much for him to fuck up this opportunity. 

It was about a year ago in Clay’s room in the house when he first learned how to actually tie a tie. Clay had joked with him that he had never learned and it was at that moment Clay began to fully understand the depths of Justin’s upbringing and the ultimate privilege he had been afforded; and lucky to have had his entire life. While it took a few failed attempts, Justin got a solid black tie secured against his crisp white shirt. Laine had ensured he would look good for the interview and helped him pick everything out. 

Before leaving the outhouse, he took one last look at himself in the standup mirror. Hair, shirt, tie, pants; he looked sharp. He looked like a kid ready to get into college. Off to the side, Clay’s bed still sat made and empty. He sighed deeply. It would all be okay, he thought to himself. 

Inside the house, Matt already had a pot of coffee brewed and ready to go. He was dressed in his typical shirt and sweater combo. It is exactly what Justin thought of when he thought of a smart college professor. And now that smart college professor was his dad. 

“How’d you sleep, kiddo?” Matt asked, pouring Justin his cup of coffee. 

Justin gladly took it from his hands. “Not great at all,” he responded honestly. 

“Yeah, me either,” Matt agreed. “But you look great and ready to go, right?” Justin took a sip from the cup and let the hot coffee traverse down his throat. 

“I guess so,” he agreed. “It’s hard to concentrate with all this going on, but I know Clay would want me to do well, so,” he answered, trailing off. 

Matt agreed. “We all want you to do well, so don’t worry about Clay or anything else today. You’ve worked hard to earn the chance today. And you practiced and you’re ready. You’re going to do great.” 

Sitting down at the table, the same table they had all stood around just two nights before while they searched for Clay, Justin asked about his brother. “Is Clay going to be okay?” 

Matt joined him, sitting across the table and looking across at his son. “He will be.” He said it confidently both for Justin to believe him and because it was the truth. “Remember what we talked about over lunch yesterday?”

“Yeah,” Justin responded, taking another sip of his coffee. 

“I meant it,” Matt returned with a fatherly tone to his voice. “Especially today. I want you to focus on you and your life. Clay will be fine and hopefully by the time school is done, we will know when he is coming home and what the plan is. But today is all about you.” 

They both took sips from their coffee and sat in silence for a bit. It was only Tuesday but their bodies were worn out like they had been running a marathon every day for a week. The silence after the horror of the last days was welcomed by both of them. Matt sat reading the newspaper while Justin scrolled through his phone. Both catching up on their worlds. Neither had slept well, but just like Matt had said, you have to keep going, forward, one step at a time. 

Justin finished his cup and stood up and put the empty mug in the sink. “Need a refill?” he asked, holding out the pot for Matt to see. 

“Yeah, thanks Justin.” Maybe it was Monet’s or just learning to be a young man with responsponsibilities, but Justin liked doing the little things and to have the recipients appreciate the effort. His mom never really cared if he made her dinner or picked up the house. 

The warm dark coffee filled Matt’s upheld mug and Justin returned the pot to the machine. It was an old-school coffee pot, not like the fancy and expensive ones Monet’s had. The coffee tasted different but these morning coffees weren’t really about the delicious coffee. Each day that passed meant one day less of a moment like this. Of simple conversation or deep discussions. The relationship would always be there, but moments like this would soon retire to the history books. Justin would not wake up early, would not make the walk from the outhouse to the kitchen to spend just a few minutes alone with Matt or Laine. Soon, hopefully, he would be on his way to college. But these moments were something he cherished; as weird as it is for a 17 year old teenage boy to want to spend time with his parents.

“Well, I guess I should get going,” Justin announced sliding his phone into his pocket with one hand and grabbing the car keys with his other. Matt looked up from the table. He debated internally if he should get up out of the chair or just keep the farewell and well wishes nonchalant. 

Justin made the decision for him. He opened the door and turned and waved goodbye. “Good luck, Justin! Text me when you’re done.” 

And with that, he was off for a college interview. Justin. The boy who just 18 months before was sitting on their couch having been discovered, still in dirty clothes, homeless and probably still high.

On the drive to school, Justin couldn’t help but think of the entire arch of his life. He laughed to himself thinking it wouldn’t make a good movie because all of it together would be unbelievable. Born to a single mom. A single mom who was an on-again off-again drug-addict and a sometimes mother. The ever-revolving door of boyfriends, drug-addicts and dealers themselves. Some were okay and offered hope of a better life; or at least decent life. Then Seth. The ultimate fuck-hole of a man who beat him up and his mother who stood by and watched it happen. And that was just at home. His best friend Bryce had always been there to help him. He never asked for anything in return explicitly, but it was implied. Justin did everything for Bryce, and with Bryce. But after Hannah’s death, Justin began to see how fucked up Bryce was and how he was taking everyone, including Justin down. In the beginning, Clay hadn’t really cared about Justin in the beginning; he cared about getting revenge for Hannah. Justin was just a chess piece for him to move around to get his check-mate. And as he pulled into the school parking lot, still exhausted from everything, seeing all his classmates walking into school, he knew Clay did care. He knew Matt and Laine cared. And deep down, he knew he was finally becoming the person and man he had always wanted to be and had never felt like he could. 

“Based on your application, Justin, you’ve had quite the life thus far,” Mrs. Adams stated. “Why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself.” 

He wasn’t sure quite where to begin, but did not want the answer to take 20 minutes. He began at the end, today, being in the room talking about his future. Over the past few weeks, he had spent a lot of time thinking about his future and what he wanted to do with his life. Now that he had a future. “I never thought I was worthy of much, especially college,” he explained. 

The scary thing is that he actually had felt that way. When he packed his bag and ran away to Oakland, he made a life decision to live in the shadows; under the spell of all the fucked up experiences of his life. HIs mother had never whored herself out but everything else was the same. 

“And what changed that for you?” she asked. 

His mind went back to that day in Oakland. It was mid-afternoon and he’d made a few bucks from just sitting there with his cup but it would never pay like sex. It’s too bad people don’t get a good feeling from helping someone in need; but instead will pay top dollar to get their rocks off. But Tony, even if reluctantly, came with Clay to find him and make it right. 

“It was Clay and his best friend, Tony. They came to Oakland to bring me back home to testify in a trial,” he began. “I did not want to go. In fact, Clay chased me down an alley and tackled me.” That last part made him chuckle and then he remembered those first days at Clay’s. The hiding. The detox. The fear. 

For the first time in his life, he had a steady meal every day. He could shower and always have hot water. But he knew it was temporary. Clay’s parents wouldn’t want to keep Justin around as a guest. Bryce was out of the picture. And while he missed the comfort of Bryce’s helping hand, it never felt good. Even hiding in the shadows of the Jensen home felt better. Of course, that all changed when Matt found Justin hiding in the house. He was worried he’d be kicked out right-then-and-there or that Clay would be grounded or worse. While Matt and Laine weren’t happy, Clay was okay. And he was allowed to stay. For some reason, these people were willing to open their arms to a stranger. He explained that seeing true kindness and compassion up close and personal in the Jensen home had been the ultimate catalyst for his transformation from druggy to college prospect. 

“And what would you hope to get out of a college education?” she asked at the end of their hour together. 

Justin reached out and took a sip of water from the water bottle in front of him. He thought about it for a moment. Flashes of sports, parties, girlfriends, and new friends went in front of his eyes. He blinked and it changed to the Jensen kitchen from Thanksgiving. Matt and Laine on the ends, Tony and his boyfriend across the table and Clay, his brother sitting next to him. “I want to learn and become a better, stronger person. I want to do something valuable with my life and I see college and getting a degree as the best way to make that happen. I believe with that, anything is possible.” 

The interviewer smiled, wrote a quick note in her notebook, and flipped it shut. It was done. He had done all he could. She stood up and reached out her hand. Justin slid his chair back and joined his hand with hers. “Thank you,” Justin said. It wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be and the simple conversation had him dreaming of a future full of possibilities. Matt had drilled it into him that he could do whatever he wanted in life. That much had become clear to Matt, Laine, and to himself over the last year. But now, it seemed so close that he could almost reach out and touch it. Like a kid in a candy store who can smell all the sugar and can’t wait to grab all they can. That was Justin. He was ready. 

He pushed the door open to the high school hallway and Officer Standall was leaning against the lockers. “Hey, Mr. Standall,” Justin said as he slung his backpack over his shoulder. 

Bill gave him a half smile. He too was exhausted from the last few days; the last two years. He’d almost lost his son. And then to watch all of Alex’s friends struggle to survive was too much to handle. 

“Hey Justin,” he replied, placing his strong hand on Justin’s shoulder. “How did the interview go?” 

Justin smiled and tugged at his shoulder strap, “It went well, I think. I mean, I hope so.” 

“How’s your brother?” he asked. 

“Good, sir,” Justin answered. “I haven’t talked to him today, but he was feeling better last night and should get to come home tomorrow. Thanks for, you know, helping and everything.” 

Bill shrugged. “Of course, Justin.” He didn’t take his eyes off the teenager. A silence fell between them. Justin wasn’t sure if he was free to go. 

Justin had always liked Bill. Even if Alex hated him, they tolerated each other. He couldn’t help but think back to the first time they met. Justin had been in a bind and needed a place to sleep. He knocked on Alex’s door like a lost puppy needing a dry place to sleep. Alex tried to brush him off, but Bill intervened and offered him a meal of steak and potatoes. Alex had rolled his eyes and didn’t want Justin there, but Bill was having nothing to do with sending Justin away. At dinner that night, Bill had actually talked to him. At Bryce’s, it was usually just he and Bryce eating whatever the maid put together in the pool house. His mom and dad were rarely there to eat dinner together. The Standalls all ate at the table and talked; together. The Jensens were the same. They even had breakfast together. It had taken him a while to get used to it, the normal daily activities of a connected family, but he liked it. He appreciated the time together. And even though Alex had pushed back, Justin had always been thankful for that one single meal. It had been food for his body and his soul and Bill had earned a special place in his heart. 

“Look, kid,” Bill began. He hesitated and a worried look washed over his face. “I have some news.” 

Justin grabbed at his shoulder strap again. “Is it Clay?” He could feel the adrenaline rushing through his body and sweat forming on his forehead. 

Bill gently held up a hand, “No. As far as I know, Clay is fine. It’s your mom.” 

“What?” Justin asked. He tilted his head and gently squinted his eyes. His mom was never far from his mind even though he didn’t live with her or talk about her anymore. He had spent most of his life living with her and keeping her alive that she would never really be far from her mind. 

Bill took a step closer to Justin, looked both ways to ensure they were alone in the hallway and lowered his voice. “We found her last night … by the docks. It looks like she overdosed.” 

“Wait,” Justin paused, looking at Bill, searching his face for more information but debating if he actually wanted the rest of the story. The moment he asked and answered his life would change. Again. And forever. “What happened? Is she okay?” 

“Buddy,” he began. “She died.” 

His body immediately tensed. He felt his stomach start to do somersaults. His mouth filled with saliva. Looking at Bill, his eyes filled with tears. “You’re sure?” 

“Yeah,” Bill answered. “We found her this morning on a routine drive around, the ambulance came but it was too late.” 

They stood in the hallway looking at each other, silent. Bill was unsure of what to do next and Justin, Justin was tired. He had spent his life fighting for his mom. And now she is gone. He’d left her behind and she didn’t make it. It was all his fault. She was dead because he wasn’t there. 

“Thank you sir,” Justin interrupted himself. “I need to get to class.” He turned and walked away from Bill who stood there, gutted himself, watching him as he walked away. He didn’t chase him. With each step, Justin got further and further away and Bill could see him wiping his eyes. As a father, he had his own front-row seat to the challenges and blow after blow these kids continued to take. And this was just another one for Justin. He wondered for Justin if this would ever end. Bill did something he was not supposed to do and he called Matt. 

After beginning the day on such a high, despite knowing Clay was still in the hospital, Justin had come into school high on the possibilities of the future. The interview had gone well and he felt like he had finally rounded the corner of his life. But now, sitting in his third period history class, he was barely present. He worried about his brother. He worried about Matt and Laine. He worried about getting into college. And he could not believe his mother had overdosed. She’d finally fucked up in the ultimate way. And here he was, sitting in class in nice clothes, clean and sober. 

Mercifully, the class ended and he didn’t have to actually engage or get called on by the teacher. He walked out of class alone and made it straight for the bathroom. He got there before anyone else and quickly found a stall and sat down. Latching the door behind him, he hung his backpack on the door hook and sat down. His chest was tightening. His breaths became shorter. The door opened and voices of guys he knew began to fill the room. Laughter. Jokes. Happiness.

He waited. Soon the room was filled with flushes and a few faucets. And just as quickly as the bathroom had become teenage-boy filled, it was empty again, minus Justin sitting silently. 

He slid his phone out of his pocket and saw a text from Matt. How did it go, kiddo? 

A part of him smiled and another part was angry. ‘Fuck, Matt. My mom just died,’ was the first thought that came into his head but of course there was no way Matt would know. He instead quickly typed out a message that was truthful but hiding the real news of the day. I think it went great! Thanks for all of your help! 

While the interview had gone great, he himself was not great. At all. His eyes were now red as tears stained his cheeks. He could feel sweat all over body. “Fuck it,” he said to the empty room. 

The sound of the latch opening the door echoed throughout the empty bathroom that smelled of teenage boys. Justin quickly exited the stall, then the bathroom, then the school. The halls were void of any activity. Lockers lined both walls creating a clear view of the door at the end of the hall. With no hesitation, Justin pushed the door open and walked out into the cool winter air. The sun was shining in the bright blue tapestry of the sky with not a cloud in sight. The message from nature today was designed to be a beautiful day which was in direct contradiction to the face of all the terrible elements of Justin’s fucked up life. 

Even the sound of the car mocked his anger and mood. It started with the push of a button and purred to life like the sound of a new laptop computer. Each moment was disconnected from the next. Somehow he remembered to put the car in reverse before hitting the gas to pull out of the school parking lot. 

He didn’t know where he was going. He just knew he wasn’t going to stay. The car went past Monet’s, then The Crestmont, and off in the distance he could see the hill where Hannah rested. He slammed his hand against the steering wheel. “Fuck,” he screamed to no one and everyone. Life had only just begun to be fair to Justin and it had a lot of catching up to do. And this, his mom’s sudden death, was a deep, deep reversal of that refund. 

It is said that the road to nowhere always leads somewhere. This journey was going north. The road was relatively empty and the area felt desolate. The last time he’d been on this road he was drained of energy. He was sucking down water in the backseat of Tony’s car. Now he was in control and going back. 

22 miles away. He would be there soon. The monster was always just below the surface. The Jensen house may be filled with love and trinkets of vacations and dreams come true, but the truth was, life was just a series of fuck ups spread out over time. Just a bunch of fuck ups. One after another. Drugs. Sex. More drugs. Death. Cheating. You name it, it happens. There were so many times Justin had wanted to run away in the past. He hated his life but he loved him mom. She was his life even though she rarely put him first. Drugs came first. Men came first. The drugs came second. Then maybe Justin. She rarely if ever she came to his games. But none of that mattered. It never had mattered. Amber was his mom. And he failed her. He left and she died. 

Hannah’s blood may have been spread out across everyone’s hands, but this, hers, were on his. 

He knew exactly where to go. It was weird pulling into the neighborhood in a fancy-ass electric car, but it didn’t matter. No one cared. He pulled up alongside a random guy. He flipped open his wallet and pulled out a twenty and held it out the window. The other hand took the bill and put his hand through the open window. The outstretched fingers held a tiny little packet which hung in the air tantalizingly close to his fingers. His eyes were locked on it. 

No. Not this time. Not now. Not ever. 

Justin looked forward and pushed the gas pedal; hard. The tires squealed and he pulled away as quickly as he could leaving the twenty dollars behind. He hit two green-lights and made his way to a grocery store parking lot. He threw the car into park. 

“Fuck!” he screamed again. “Fuck,” he said as tears dripped from his eyes. 

He leaned back in the seat and pulled his cell phone from his pocket. There was a text from Laine and a text from Alex. He didn’t read them. He went right to Clay’s text thread. His thumbs quickly typed a message. He re-read it. Then hit send. 

Brother. I need you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience! Thanksgiving threw a wrench in my writing, so this is a week late. Just three chapters to go! If you want, check out some of my other writings, follow me on social, or sign up for my awesome newsletter, [go to my website!](https://www.richarddedor.com/13-reasons-why-by-richard-dedor)


	8. We Keep Trying

He had sat in this parking lot before but never while sitting in an electric car. Nope, wait. He probably had. On occasion he had serviced a few guys in this parking lot over in the corner. He looked up for a brief moment and saw the area. A few bushes, the bus stop, and a trash can. Pretty much sums up my life, Justin thought. He looked back down at his phone, waiting for the three tantalizing dots to appear on the chat with Clay. 

The cool air outside filled the interior but Justin was still sweating. His feet were bouncing on the floor boards. He could feel his anxiety at peak level. 

Still nothing from Clay. “Fuck,” he said to himself. His eyes darted back and forth. He didn’t want to see any of his old fucks or dealers. No. He had to get out of here. He pushed the ignition switch and the car sprang to life. Just as it did, his phone rang. Clay. 

“Hey, Clay,” Justin answered matter-of-factly. 

“I didn’t want to text, so I thought I’d call. What’s going on, Justin?” Clay’s voice was sober. Calm. Almost relaxed. A change from his normal high-strung nature. 

“I’m in Oakland.” 

Immediately Clay’s voice changed. Justin could picture him suddenly jolting in bed and springing into action to protect him. 

“I didn’t want to bother you because I know you have enough on your plate right now, but, you’ve always said to come to you. So, here I am.” 

“Are you okay?” Clay interrupted. 

The question made Justin laugh for some reason. Maybe because the thought of being okay was clearly not even in the ballpark in either of their lives at the moment. “I’m okay, yeah. I almost slipped.” He proceeded to tell him how he left school, drove to Oakland, handed the guy money and saw the drugs. And the moment he saw the drugs, he pulled away. 

“Will you be okay to get home?” Clay switched back to protective brother. 

“Yeah, I was about to pull back on the highway when you called. I’ll be okay.”

There was a pause. Clay responded after thinking for a moment, “Okay. Promise me you will text me when you get home? They said I can probably come home tomorrow. I have another session with Dr. Edelman this afternoon.”

“Yeah, I will. Thanks Clay,” Justin responded, thankful he finally heard Clay’s voice. “I’m sorry to have bothered you.”

“Stop, Justin. I’m always here. No matter what. Are you going to go to a meeting tonight?” 

It made Justin smile in a weird way, but he also appreciated the constant concern from his brother. 

“I’ll find one when I get home.”

“Okay. I have to go, but please drive safe and text me.” 

“Okay. Thanks for calling me, Clay. I’ll see you soon,” Justin said as he hung up. 

Before pulling back onto the highway to head home, he texted Kerba. Nearly had a slip. I know you’re not my sponsor, but needed to talk to someone. 

Again he waited. Then the magical dots appeared. He waited. Then they disappeared for a second. In its place a message appeared. 

Foley. Or do you want me to say Jensen from now on? But seriously, are you ok? Where are you? 

Justin took a deep breath. Yeah, I’m ok. I talked to Clay. I’m going to go to one of those emergency meetings tonight. And once I finish this message, I’ll immediately drive back home. I’ll text you. 

He tossed the phone into the passenger seat and slowly eased out of the parking lot and back onto the road. This time, heading south back towards home. A place he belonged. A place he would always have. 

It was easier driving back for some reason. Maybe it was knowing no one would be there to beat him up, or steal what little money he had in his pocket. Or maybe it was just knowing that a warm meal, even if it would end up being take out, would be there. This was as close as he had come to relapsing since he had come back from rehab. One of the things they had drilled into him during those long, lonely, and stressful 28 days was that a moment like this would happen. He would be tempted. He would become so stressed that his mind would go to that place of escape. And he did. He escaped. And he almost escaped with the drugs. But something in his mind, in his body, in his heart, managed to fight back. And, in a way, he had managed to get the tight fingers around his neck to loosen up and allow oxygen to slowly come back into his body before he’d gone completely black. 

He pulled the car next to the curb back at home and kept the car idling. The radio was silent and the car nearly equally so. He looked over at the house; his home. Not yet, he thought. He reached over to his phone and typed out a quick message. I’m coming over. He hit send. Then he pulled away. 

The house slowly disappeared from view. Life had taken a dramatic path, but it all remained connected to something called, uber-fucked-up. It was all fucked, Justin thought to himself. 

Jessica was waiting on her front steps as he pulled up. His feet hadn’t hit the ground since he had pulled out of the Liberty parking lot nearly two hours before. But here he was, walking towards Jessica Davis and in no mood to talk. She met him on the sidewalk and before she could say anything, he pushed his lips against hers, hard. Justin kissed her with a passion. With a purpose. Her hands gripped him through his shirt. 

“Let’s go up to my room,” Jessica stated between kisses. Over the past few weeks, Justin and Jessica had barely been friends; he had been trying to keep his distance to help his recovery and to focus on the important things in his life. They had been in the same car a few nights before while they were racing through town looking for Clay, but that was friends helping friends. At this moment, Jessica’s hand was stuck into Justin’s and he wanted nothing different. 

Without hesitation, the moment the door clicked behind them, Justin pulled Jessica to her bed. They had been there dozens of times before and neither of them had thought they would ever be back in this place. The sunlight filled the room, sanitizing the moment. Justin pulled her shirt over her head. Her hair flying in every direction. Their lips met again, full of passion. This was one of the things they had always been good at. Whether they fucked at home, in the school storage closet, or even the school bathroom at a dance. Sex worked for them. As their floorplay morphed into sex, Justin pushed her to her bed. On her back, Jess interlaced her hands behind his head and pulled him close to her. Their rhythm was back. Their passion had never left. And when they finished, Justin collapsed next to her. She laid there for a second, enjoying the moment close to Justin. Once their breathing calmed down, she climbed off her bed and slipped on her shirt as went to the bathroom to freshen up. Their clothes were strewn about the room, the result of their raw passion. Justin slowly sat up and pulled his knees up to his chest. 

For all the times they had fucked, afterwards had always been euphoric. The high of post-sex was always a thrill for Justin. As a teenager, he often wanted to go again. But this time, as he sat there curled up on her bed with the sheets tossed about, he sat tight in a ball, sex had become the furthest thing from his mind. 

Tears were rolling down his cheeks as Jessica pushed the door open. It was a sight she had not seen at any point after they fucked. “Justin,” she said, closing the distance between them, “Are you okay?” 

Through his tears and short breaths, he muttered, “I almost relapsed today, and my mom died, and Clay is in the fucking hospital, and it’s all fucked up.” 

Her euphiria from the random sex vanished too. She sat down beside him and pulled him close. His face nuzzled into her neck as her hand stroked his back. In the worst of times and in the best of times, they had been there for each other. She felt his tears sliding down her chest. It made her hold him even tighter. Jessica was one of the few people who had seen Justin at his most vulnerable. She knew all the tragedies which made up the puzzle of Justin. And now, this. 

She had only ever met his mom once. They had stopped by his apartment early in their relationship. Justin didn’t think she would be there, but she was. He had tried to prepare her, but nothing really prepares you for the moment you meet someone’s parent for the first time; especially if that parent is high. Justin was mortified at the moment. And it took him weeks to even want to talk about it. 

But they had always found a way to talk. Jessica had scars from Bryce. Justin also had scars from Bryce. Jessica had scars from her years of moving from place to place. Justin’s scars came from a lifetime of instability. Jessica and Justin had found each other and formed a bond, a strength that despite everything, they would always be able to come back to. 

“What happened?” she finally asked. 

He told her everything. The euphoria of the college interview and how despite his other son being in the hospital, Matt took the time to have breakfast with him and encourage him. But then how Bill Standall had been standing outside the room waiting for him. How his mother had finally overdosed like she had done before and how he had always been the one to save her; except this time. There was no detail he left out. How he knew exactly where to go in Oakland and how easy it had been to pull out the twenty and hold it out the car window. Retelling the story and recounting the sight of the drugs was causing his heart to race just like it had when he almost took the packet from the dealer. When he finished, they sat in silence. Jessica just held him close while he calmed his breathing down. 

Both Jessica and Justin had been through countless challenges separate; together they had their fair share too. But this was Justin’s cross to bear and he knew it. 

“Thank you for telling me about your mom, and the drugs,” she said stroking his back. 

He wiped his eyes and jumped off the bed. “Yeah, now I just have to tell Matt and Laine,” he said matter-of-factly as he slipped his discarded white undershirt back over his head. He slipped his pants on, already a wrinkled mess after just 15 minutes on the floor. As he buckled the pants and tightened the belt, he stopped. He looked up. Jess was looking at him. She gave him a questioning look, unsure of what was going through his head. It could be anything. But what came out surprised her for it’s simplicity but truth. 

“Fuck it,” he stated as he picked up his dress shirt and shoes. “I have to go home and tell mom and dad.” 

She walked him out to his car, taking each step with him but not holding his hand. They were two challenged souls with a deep understanding of each other. He opened the door and she reached out and grabbed his hand before he could get in. 

“I love you Justin, and I’m so proud of you,” she stated as she slipped her arms around him. They stood there for what felt like five minutes holding each other. No other words were said. Justin was the first to break the embrace. He looked back at her and gave her a half smile. It was the same half smile he would give across the room when they were dating. The same half smile he would use to say everything was okay even when it wasn’t. 

Driving from Jessica’s back home was only a few minute drive. He knew would already be home and he only wanted to tell the family once if at all possible. He didn't expect to see both cars in the driveway when he pulled up and slowed the car to a stop just near the front door. He didn’t immediately turn it off, letting the soft purr of the car sooth his personal tension. Sitting there, he closed his eyes for a brief moment, hoping to gather himself and his thoughts. There was a lot to tell and explain. He hoped he could convince them both he was okay. He didn’t want them to lose trust and faith in him. He couldn’t take that anymore. Not ever again. 

His eyes snapped open, startling even himself. Fuck, I hope everything is okay with Clay, he thought to himself, suddenly forgetting his own bad news and grabbing hs shirt and rushing out of the car and up the front stairs, taking two at a time. 

He found them both sitting in the kitchen eating Thai takeout. 

“Is Clay okay?” Justin blurted out, suddenly out of breath. 

Both Matt and Laine’s heads snapped to the sudden addition of Justin in the house. “Hey, Justin,” Laine responded with a quick swallow of her food. “Yeah, he’s fine,” she smiled. 

He remained standing in the entryway of the house uncertain of their confirmation and realizing that he was now in the house and needed to tell them the news from the day. The perfect happy family -- as happy as you can be in a week with one of the kids in the hospital -- was about to be blown to bits. 

Matt’s voice snapped him out of his trance. “Come and have some dinner, kiddo.” 

“Yeah, sure,” Justin said as he tossed his shirt on the banister and slowly walked over to the dinner table. There was a plate set in his normal spot as if they had expected him home. As he sat down and reached for the noodles, Matt caught his face. 

“Justin, what’s wrong? What happened?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Nice try,” he half-laughed, and continued in a serious voice, “I can see it on your face. What happened?” 

He hesitated. The noodles dropped to his plate and spread out onto the white glass forming a messy pile of sauce and noodles. The tangled mess of carbs and flavors all neatly packed with the perfect mixture of vegetables and meat. In that moment, looking at the noodles alone on the plate, he thought of lying. Of just saying he’d failed a test or some other tragic high school thing. He tossed the fork onto his plate, landing on the edge of the rim with the sharp clank. His hesitation turned to resignment. 

“I don’t want to pile on with everything going on with Clay,” he stated, trying to give himself an out to telling them what had happened. Even with the subtle request, there was a part of him that knew he wanted to tell them. He knew he wanted them both to drop their forks and embrace him and take care of him and make all the pain go away. He wanted them to erase the years of emotional and physical abuse. The days of being hungry. 

Laine’s face relaxed with his statement. She reached the short distance across the table and held his hand briefly “Sweetheart, there is enough love in this house for the both of you.” 

She left it at that. There was nothing more that needed to be said. But she let that linger in his brain for a moment. Before letting go of his hand, she gave it a slight squeeze as a final measure of reassurance. Almost a statement of, ‘we will be here when you’re ready to talk.’ 

He took a deep breath. “After my interview, Officer Standall was outside the door waiting for me,” he started, already feeling the tension in his chest, and he had not even arrived at the difficult news. “He told me they had found my mother, Amber, down by the docks. He said it looked like an overdose.” He paused. Both Matt and Laine’s eyes were glued to him, their tension rising. The overhead kitchen light glistened against the tears, reflecting the light as one slipped down his cheek. He quickly reached up and wiped it away. 

“They took her to the hospital, but she didn’t make it. She died.” 

Matt and Laine looked at each other; their hearts breaking for their son. She reached her hand over to Matt who spoke first. “Justin, we’re so sorry to hear that. How are you?” 

“How am I? Well, let’s see.” His sadness turned to frustration and anger. “My brother is in the hospital. My mom just died because I wasn’t there to help her. And then, on top of that. I drove to Oakland after he told me to go get high and I ended up in a parking lot having a panic attack. That’s how the fuck I’m doing.” By the end, he was screaming.

Laine reached her hand over and grabbed his hand, more firm than the last time. She squeezed; hard. “Justin,” she stated but he didn’t flinch. “Justin, look at me.” 

He slowly looked up as his breathing slowed back down. 

“First of all, Clay is going to be okay. He’s going to be coming home tomorrow.” The news made Justin smile ever so slightly, but both Matt and Laine saw it on this face. “And I’m so sorry about your mom and we will do whatever you want and whatever you need. We know you loved her with your whole heart. And you read the court papers, she knew you needed a fresh start and why she signed off on the adoption.” She paused. She knew she needed to get the last part right and all her years of legal training had never prepared her for a moment like this. “And you did everything you could; for her and yourself.”

They all sat in silence. The entire family was carrying a weight that alone would suffocate just one of them, but together, they continued to fight. 

Justin swallowed a drink of water, “After Officer Standall told me about my mom, I walked out to my car and just drove. I really didn’t know where I was going. I just … i just couldn’t be there. So I drove and ended up driving north to Oakland. The closer I got to the city, I knew where I was going. It’s what recovery calls a trigger response. A bad thing happened which is triggering, and you go to the bad response.”

Both Matt and Laine watched his face fight his demons -- his mom, her boyfriends, her drug use, his own use, toxic friendships -- and listened to him try to explain his own experience. Despite Clay being in the hospital and another on the verge of relapse, their hearts were full of love. 

In the silence, Justin fought another urge. The desire to lie. To protect his life. To protect his family. To … protect. 

“Are you sure you wanna hear this?” Justin asked, looking for a way out of bearing his deepest scars to them. 

“Of course,” Matt confirmed. 

“Well, I drove to where I knew I could get something quick and easy to use. Got there, pulled out cash and handed it to the guy. Then in that split second, my safety reflex kicked in and I pulled away leaving the cash behind.” The last line made him laugh. “Then I just drove to a parking lot to calm down. I texted Kerba and then Jess and then Clay.” 

More silence. Matt and Laine weren’t sure what to say. They were proud of their son for fighting back but equally worried about the risk of relapse given all the new stressors in Justin’s life. 

Without hesitation and with a strength that only comes from fighting battles, Justin just kept talking. “Guys, I’m really sorry. I fucked up. I’m going to go to a meeting tonight. And I’ll do whatever you want to make this right. I just,” he took another pause. He thought through his words. A lifetime of just being and not living had been slowly flipping and with each passing day, he was growing increasingly full of love. Full of compassion. Constantly connected to his world and the people in it. 

“Mom. Dad. I love you. I just want you to know that.” 

Whether it was the family movie nights or Christmas presents or just family breakfasts every day before school, this was home. Before he had come home, Matt and Laine had been sitting around the table talking about their lives. Clay was going to come home the next day and the doctors were confident with counseling and medication, he would be okay in time. After taking Justin in, college had been the farthest thing from their minds; Justin’s included. But here they were, he was on the cusp of going to college. 

Even with all the ups and downs, their boys were going to be okay. And it would never be easy. Matt thought back and laughed with Laine about the afternoon he had found Justin hiding in the house. He had come home to broken glass and was fully prepared to find something stolen or someone still rummaging through the house. But he’d found a frail and young kid. And in a matter of days, their world had been thrown upside down. Laine remembered sitting on the couch with both boys and Justin apologizing profusely for forcing Clay to lie, but something he said had stuck with them both. 

Justin had said, “But Clay saved me.” 

And then later that year, Justin would save Clay on the steps of Bryce’s house. These boys, these boys were their boys. And their family was complete. 

The next morning, Justin was the first one in the kitchen. With the rest of the house dark, he worked quietly with a solo light emanating from the ceiling of the kitchen. He tried to keep the noise down, but the harder he tried, the louder the coffee machine seemed to be. He scooped mounds of coffee grounds into the filter and pressed the brew button and the machine sprang to life. 

He pulled out eggs and bread and bacon and began to make a complete mess of the kitchen. Over the last year, he figured out how to make the perfect cup of coffee, but he was still terrible in the kitchen. 

In his standard white t-shirt and flannel pants, he stood over the eggs as they went from a runny mixture to the perfect fluff of scrambled eggs. He’d watched Matt enough to know what to do, but he was always worried he would do it wrong or miss a step. In the windowsill were some herbs. Justin looked at them and hesitated for a second. Which one goes into the eggs, he wondered. “Shit,” he said aloud, trying to remember which herb to use. His eyes darted from one, to the next, to the next. He snapped his fingers. “Chives,” he said. 

He snipped a few with the kitchen scissors like he had watched dozens of times and snipped tiny pieces of chive into the eggs. Yes, he thought. Perfect. 

“Looking good Justin,” a voice said from behind him. It startled him, which made both Matt and Justin start to laugh. 

“Jeez,” Justin said through his laughs. “You scared the hell out of me! You shouldn’t scare people in the kitchen.” Matt moved from the doorway towards Justin and when he was close, he reached out and rubbed his back on the way to the coffee machine. 

As the coffee splashed into the mug, Matt felt nothing but gratitude. A week ago, they were one happy family of four. And today, nearly a week after his other son nearly froze to death, he couldn’t help but smile. Even with Justin’s news from yesterday and the increased worry he had that he would again relapse, he felt love. Justin had grown into a wonderful young man full of kindness and compassion and was quickly becoming the rock of the family. 

Matt turned around and leaned against the countertop. “Thanks for breakfast, Justin.” 

He kept his focus on the stove, “It’s nothing.” Matt pulled out a chair and slid into his customary spot at the table and watched his son make dinner. There was a part of him that was surprised that Justin had gotten up early to make breakfast after the day he had experienced. But he also was not surprised. Justin had shown incredible resilience and strength through everything and that over the last year, he likely began to understand that the Jensen family was never going to stop loving him. He could not help but look over and feel nothing but love. And especially today, he was proud. 

His daydreaming was broken by a plate being slid in front of him. It had a generous helping of eggs, a few strips of perfectly cooked bacon, and toast. Matched with the already poured coffee, it was a perfect breakfast. He reached for the fork as Justin put his coffee down and took his traditional spot beside him. 

“You didn’t have to make breakfast,” Matt offered, secretly overwhelmed and a little bit glad he had made breakfast. 

By that point, Justin already had his mouth full of his own food. Typical teenager, Matt thought to himself as he did the same. 

“How are you doing?” Matt asked between bites. 

It was a loaded question to start the morning before the sun even came up. Justin put another fork-full of eggs into his mouth. “Fine, I guess?” 

Matt’s teacher hat came on. “Answering a question with a question. Let me try again. How do you feel about your interview yesterday?” 

He took a sip of coffee while he waited for Justin to respond. “I think it actually went really well. It was actually kind of amazing to even be in that room, ya know? Given my life.” 

Matt thought about that last part for a second. His life had been rocky. Well, rocky was an understatement. “Yeah, I can see that. But your abilities were always there. They’ve just been brought to the surface.” 

“Maybe you’re right,” Justin agreed. 

Without hesitation, Matt continued with the questions. “And how are you feeling with Clay coming home today?” 

By now, Justin’s plate was empty and all that remained was his coffee. Matt was only halfway through his food; the typical results of a teenage son and his father eating the same meal. 

Justin tightened his lips and looked down at his coffee. “I mean, I want him home. It’s only been a few days, but I miss him. I didn’t know how much I’d come to count on him being in my daily life.” Matt listened intently. Justin was opening up -- sometimes a rarity for both of his boys -- and he wanted to let him share his feelings; whatever they were. Justin wanted Clay to get better, whatever that meant. He clearly still wasn’t over Hannah and needed to work through that. Everyone in the family, especially Justin, had seen Clay’s anxiety increase the last few weeks. And now he would be getting the help he needed. Matt confirmed as much. 

“I’m just worried, ya know?” 

The question did not need to be asked. Matt wholly and completely understood the apprehension towards Clay. Matt took the opportunity to open up to Justin at the same time. He was worried too. When they added Justin to the family, he didn’t know how it would work out. But it was what everyone in the family wanted. And everyone in the family wanted Clay to be better as well. And he didn’t know how Justin would fit in. He didn’t know how the drug addiction would go. But they were navigating it all together. 

And now the most difficult question. Matt and Laine had stayed up late the night before talking about it. Justin’s mom. They had only met her once and she had probably been high during the meeting. But even in that lone meeting with her in their adoption proceedings, they felt for her. Their hearts had broken for Justin and they broke for Amber just the same. And even though they viewed Justin as their own son, they knew Amber was his mom and would always have that position in his heart. Last night was the first time Justin had come to them immediately after having a challenging moment. It frightened them, but encouraged them at the same time. He would always be at risk of a relapse. They would always be watching out for him … especially now. 

But before he could ask, Justin continued. “I think I want to do something for my mom. Amber.” 

Justin was looking down at his plate even though it was empty. He had thought about it all night. While she hadn’t been a great mom … or a good mom … it was his mom. “I know you guys are my parents now and I couldn’t be happier, but she was still my mom and I’ve come to realize she did the best she could given the circumstances.” 

“You don’t need to justify it to me, or Laine, or even Clay,” Matt responded, holding his cup of coffee in his hands. He and Laine had hoped he would want to do something for her. Life was too short to not love deeply. And for this family, their love had grown exponentially in the 18 months of Justin living with them. Despite everything, Amber was still a part of Justin’s family. They had known that for months. Just like they were beginning to accept that Hannah would be a part of Clay’s story for the rest of his life. 

“Does Clay know about everything from yesterday?” 

“No,” Matt responded. “We will need to take it slow with him so as to not overwhelm him, but you can tell him about your mom whenever you want. He will want to be a big brother for you.” 

The silence between them returned; both thinking over the conversation and asking themselves ‘what’s next?’ without actually asking. Justin wasn’t even sure what he wanted to do for his mom. They weren’t really the church-kind-of people. But in their better days, she had a love of the beach. She loved the birds, the sounds, and the tranquility of looking out over the water and not knowing where the sky ended and where it met the water. It was a little bit a metaphor for their life; not knowing when one chapter would end and another begin. Or when a wave would come crashing down over them sending them twisting and turning with an uncertainty and unpredictability that only the water knew or understood. 

That afternoon, Laine left for the hospital and Matt and Justin stayed behind to prepare the house. It was a mess. Five days of Clay’s hospital stay had resulted in piled up dishes, clothes, mail, and everything else throughout the house. It would just be the four of them tonight. Justin had texted the group, letting them know Clay would be coming home but that it would just be family for a bit. 

Matt had ordered Clay’s favorite take-away, they’d picked up ice cream and made sure they had popcorn to pop for movie night. And Justin even relented and agreed to have Star Wars be their movie of the night. 

Even now, texting that, felt weird. But weird in a special way. Clay was his family. Matt was his family. Laine was his family. And tonight, they would spend it as a family. Amber was his family too, but that chapter was over. This was home. Always. 

The kitchen was still a minor disaster, but the take-away was all organized, the napkins were out, and the soda was chilled. And just in time, as they both heard Laine pull up with Clay in tow. Both doors shut and from the kitchen window both Matt and Justin saw them make their way towards the front door. Before they got there, Matt and Justin had opened it and were waiting, standing together. Matt slipped his arm over Justin’s shoulder and both men wore smiles which only grew larger when Clay rounded the corner and began climbing the steps. 

“Welcome home,” Justin said, taking a step forward to wrap his arms around Clay. Sometimes Clay could be standoffish when it came to expressing emotions, especially hugs from friends and especially his parents. But this time, he didn’t hedge. Instead, as Justin’s arms wrapped around him, his fingers relaxed on his bag’s handle and it dropped to the steps. And when it landed with a clank from the metal hitting the wood, his arms wrapped around Justin and pulled him tight. It wasn’t a short, friend-hug. Clay pulled him close and Justin instinctively pulled him in tighter. Laine stood a few steps away, stopped in her tracks, an equally large smile on her face. Neither Clay nor Justin wanted to break the embrace. But Matt being Matt decided to add some levity to the moment. 

“Family hug!” he exclaimed as he closed the distance between them, and motioned for Laine to join. Right there on the top step with the California sun beaming through the tree branches, the Jensen family held each other close. 

In the midst of an immensely challenging, trying, and scary week, Matt and Laine on the couch with Clay and Justin sitting on the floor was the perfect way to complete the week. Not much was said between the four of them. Just the sound of the movie and the boys on the floor chowing down on popcorn was enough. 

“Clay,” Justin said, breaking the silence, “Don’t eat it all, man!” The louder-than-normal request startled both Matt and Laine and they looked at each other with slight fear that the request would hurt Clay.

“Then you gotta eat faster,” Clay responded without missing a beat. He quickly followed it up with a fistful of popcorn aimed at Justin’s head. Kernels flew everywhere. For a moment, Matt and Laine held their breath. They weren’t sure how Clay would respond to anything and the doctors had asked them to keep the tension and stressful moments at a minimum. This could be a trigger and they had only been home for a few hours. 

But brothers have a way of egging each other on and living in the moment, together. Justin reached into the bowl, grabbed a fistful and threw it back at Clay. Without hesitation, Clay looked at Justin and declared, “Oh, it’s on now.” 

He took the bowl and promptly dumped the remaining kernels on the top of Justin’s head. If there were a few kernels scattered before, there were exponentially more now. Justin launched at Clay, tackling him to the ground in a crunch of popcorn kernels. Matt and Laine watched from the safety of the couch above and could not help but laugh. Their two boys, back together again, wrestling during family movie night and popcorn strewn everywhere. Matt decided to join in the fun and took his bowl of popcorn and dumped it on top of the boys. “It’s a popcorn fight!” 

They both remained on the couch, watching their boys wrestle. It would take weeks to clean up all the kernels but that didn’t matter. The laughter is what mattered. 

A week later, the Jensen family found themselves on the beach. Clay had been home for a week and they were still finding pieces of popcorn on the floor, in the couch, and even in their clothes. And each time someone did, they proclaimed the battle not yet over. The levity was a new Jensen tradition. When it was just the three of them, it was fun, but not lively. Somehow Justin had helped the family add a level of fun. 

Matt and Laine couldn’t help themselves get into fits of laughter and not care about the messes or the piles of clothes, or the seemingly endless supply of banter between them all. But today had been quiet. Justin and Clay were getting ready in the outhouse and Matt and Laine were upstairs doing the same. Laine had put on a black flowered dress. She had let Justin pick the night before and he chose this one because it had always been one of his favorites. The flowers on it were classy and bright, showing the beauty in the darkness. Matt hadn’t asked Justin, but he did his best to compliment Laine; a simple black suit with a floral tie. 

“Matt, can you help me tie this?” Justin asked, holding out a tie in Matt’s direction. Matt was startled by Justin’s presence, but gladly took the tie from him and slipped it around his neck. Usually Clay was the one to help him with ties, but Matt figured it was a father - son moment. 

As he slipped the fabric of the dark purple tie into the knots which would eventually turn it into a perfectly tied tie, he asked, “How are you, Justin?” 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Justin take a deep breath and look down at the floor. It had been a loaded question but Matt was not going to let emotions remain alive in the darkness. Not anymore. 

“I’m okay,” Justin began. “It's just going to be a long day.” 

Matt didn’t respond to the statement. Instead he chose to let it hang in the air. Not much needed to be said today. All week, Justin had been helping get the funeral plans in order and Matt and Laine had stepped in only when needed or asked. Today was all about Justin and Matt wasn’t going to push him. 

“Thanks,” he said, taking the tie from Matt. “But, I’m glad you’re all here with me.” 

He slipped the tie over his shirt and began to get it straightened and situated on the collar. He hadn’t come into the bathroom so he was doing it without a mirror and Matt could tell he was struggling. Without hesitation, he reached over and began to do the adjusting for him. It calmed Justin down, and deep down, Justin was thankful his dad was helping him. Deep down, and even today, moments like this calmed his nerves and made life feel, if he could be so bold, normal. 

The sun shone brightly, beating down on the trees lining Evergreen’s quaint streets. The sun and trees had the benefit of not knowing what the Jensen family knew. They didn’t know the pain and torment and constant loss endured by everyone roaming the city streets and hallways of the school. 

By the time the Jensen’s arrived at the beach, the sun was already high in the sky, creating an array of shimmering reflections bouncing off the water in every possible direction. 

Justin could see them from the backseat of the car. He had been quiet since they all buckled in. Clay sat beside him, also in a shirt and tie. Justin had picked out the tie for him; a similar floral design to Matt’s. As Matt pulled the car into a space and turned off the already-silent car, they collectively waited for Justin to open his door first. 

With a slight winter chill in the air, the beach was nearly deserted. Justin opened his door first which led the rest of the family to open theirs. He shut the door behind him with one hand and in the other, he held a box containing his mother’s ashes. Laine had offered to go with him to pick it out, but it was one of the things he wanted to do alone. He found it at a thrift store in town and when he came home from buying it, he was proud to show what he had picked out for her. It was a deep dark purple with a white Columbine flower folded to the top lid. It was bold and hopeful. 

Once Justin had decided to spread Amber’s ashes, Laine had talked to him about inviting others. Initially Justin wasn’t sure what to do and Laine could tell he was still processing everything and she had her eyes on him, and on Clay. Both of her boys had been through a lot, more than any kid should. She was holding them close while giving them both the space to process in their own way. He had decided that today would only include the Jensen crew and tomorrow they would have friends and family over. 

The seagulls swung through the air above them all as Justin reached the edge of the water. Clay was close behind. Justin’s eyes remained locked on the box in his hands. Matt and Laine stood beside Clay and watched as he slipped his arm around Justin’s shoulder. He gave him a small squeeze, brotherly, but also one full of love and compassion. Clay leaned in and gently placed his lips on the side of Justin’s face. His lips quivered against Justin’s skin but Clay held him close. 

Justin spoke. “Thanks, brother.” 

The sound of the waves filled the silence and Clay released his arm from Justin’s shoulder. They all stood in silence, waiting for Justin to take the lead. But he was broken. He’d spent more nights restless and sleepless than sleeping since her death. He’d only had one morning coffee with Matt. Clay wanted to help, but he wasn’t sure how or what would actually be helpful to Justin at that moment. 

“Mom?” a voice called which snapped Laine into action. She closed the distance between her and Justin and placed her hand gently on his forearm. It was delicate and loving. The touch was soft and compassionate. Clay stood and watched intently. She was close enough to hear him whisper through his tears, “I don’t know what to say.” 

“Want me to start?” she asked him with a loving touch to the side of his face. The pain was visible on his face and it pained Laine to see him this hurt. No matter how hard she tried, she would never be able to take away his pain. Or Clay’s for that matter. But she would keep trying. She would keep trying to limit the valleys, to flatten them a bit more. And this was one of the ways she could help lead her boy out of this bottom. 

She turned and faced the water, the waves coming in one after the other. A microcosm of life. It never ends. It keeps going. With her right hand on Justin’s arm, she used her left hand and pulled Clay closer and forward and Matt quickly followed. 

“We spread these ashes today to honor someone dear to us,” she began. 

The words came with a quiver. And tears. Mixed with even more pain and a sense of continued loss. The world was brutal to her boys. And no amount of motherly love could fix that. But she could try. 

“Amber, Justin’s mom, was a member of our family because Justin is a member of our family. And we are here because of her. She gave us him. And today, we honor her and the legacy she’s left behind.”

She paused and Matt noticed she wasn’t sure what to say next. He immediately jumped into action. 

“Ernest Hemingway was a challenged soul, but gave us many gifts and today, we honor Amber, another soul who fought battles day and night, but her lasting legacy stands with us. Hemingway wrote, ‘Now is no time to think of what you do not have. Think of what you can do with what there is.’ Looking out over these waves, there is more hope than fear and more love than hate.”

Matt looked at his sons. First Clay, then Justin. His heart was full, but broken. He stepped around Clay and met Justin on the opposite side of Laine. Clay reached over and began rubbing the small of his back gently. 

They all looked out at the ocean. The birds continued to float through the air. Off to the right a woman walked her dog who was busy chasing the waves each time they came in. 

“Mom, I’m sorry I couldn’t do better for you,” Justin began, startling them all. “You deserved better. You tried, but no one would help you. I hope you’re not mad I left. I’ll always have you in my heart.” He paused. The waves filled the silence. “And now I set you free.” 

He flipped the lid of the small box open which had remained in his hands the entire time they stood on the beach. He looked down at the ashes. They filled the confined space. A life stuffed into a tiny container. Suddenly, a tear slipped from his eye, down his cheek, and landed into the ashes. The tear quickly was absorbed and became a part of them. Forever. For eternity. 

Laine felt his chest fill up with a deep breath and she looked over at him and his eyes were closed, tears streaming from his eyes, and his lips were tense; pained. Then his chest released the air and his eyes opened. He looked back down at the ashes and began to turn the box over. The ashes caught the cool beach air and floated down the beach. They would go wherever the wind took them. Some would stay in Evergreen, close to Justin. And the rest would travel afar to see the world. And she would live on throughout the world to a place and a moment with no more pain. Just love. 

Off in the distance, the trees rustled their leaves and a bird suddenly started to sing. And for a second, beauty was all around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter out.
> 
> And just a note: the final two chapters will be delayed as I am going to write them together to make sure the story gets pulled together for you all. Much love and happy new year!
> 
> To check out some of my other writings, follow me on social, or sign up for my awesome newsletter, [go to my website: https://www.richarddedor.com/13-reasons-why-by-richard-dedor](https://www.richarddedor.com/13-reasons-why-by-richard-dedor)


	9. Prom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are nearing the end of this story; and finally prom. <3

Life goes on. 

The days since Amber’s funeral saw a change in the Jensen household. There were more movie nights and family dinners than normal. More time in the morning with coffee and calm chatting. And somehow, Justin and Clay were laughing together. 

Clay’s sessions with Dr. Edelman were progressing and seemed to be helping. Through those efforts -- and surprisingly to Matt and Laine -- he began to open up more. It wasn’t a lot, but enough to inspire hope that he was, indeed, getting better and figuring out how to live with his fears, regrets, and anxieties. 

Both boys went back to school the weekend after the funeral. Everyone at school had figured out why Clay had been gone for an extended period which was one of the reasons he had been reluctant to go back, but Justin encouraged him. The morning of the first day back Clay was hedging while sipping his coffee, worried what his classmates would think or mumble behind his back. 

Justin was having nothing of it. “Fuck ‘em,” he ordered. “They say anything, they deal with me.” 

He didn’t leave any room for debate. Justin would have his brother’s back. 

So, indeed, life did go on. Even with Clay’s ups and downs after Hannah and Justin’s ups and downs following Amber’s death, life continued together. 

The energy in the house that next Saturday was a 360-degree change from the last time Tony had been over. This time, he walked in with flowers for Mrs. Jensen, and Caleb carried in a dessert. When Tony held out his hand to Matt, he shrugged it off and pulled him in for a fatherly hug. Caleb looked on with affection. Ever since Tony’s family had been deported, Tony had been depressed and worried about their future, his own, and Clay’s, and this show of love was unexpected from Matt, but needed. Tony, like Clay, tended to keep his emotions to himself and his display of love and kindness helped tear down his walls brick by brick. 

Caleb knew and understood the challenges of Tony’s life, and of the Jensen’s, including Justin. Lanie held out her hands to take the dessert from his hands, and as he did, she too leaned forward and gave him a hug. 

“Come on back, Caleb,” she began, “I could use some help in the kitchen.” 

“Don’t you already have two sons to help you?” he asked in return, with a laugh. 

Laine looked back at him as they walked. “You would think so, but they are causing more problems than help.” It made him smirk back at her. 

He thought back to the Thanksgiving dinner they had in this house just a few months before. With everything that had gone on in his life and in Tony’s it felt like four lifetimes ago. He and Tony had been incredibly touched to get the invite from Clay. He will never forget the moment when Justin admitted to still using drugs and how Matt and Laine had responded in that moment. He could not imagine parents just responding with love and kindness, but that’s what they did. Tony had explained to him how loving and caring the Jensen family was, but that had been the first time seeing it with his own eyes. 

As he entered the kitchen, he realized why Laine wanted his help. Clay and Justin were making more of a mess than making pancakes. Batter was strewn about all over the countertop, but as Laine gave him directions of where she needed help, he couldn’t help but noticed that despite the mess, the two boys were laughing and Laine had a smile on her face while she watched and didn’t stop them. 

He cut up strawberries and dumped them, along with pineapples and rinsed raspberries and blueberries into a large bowl. Meanwhile the boys were finishing up their last pancake and Laine carried the coffee pot into the dining room. 

The table was covered in plates of food and beverages. It almost looked like Thanksgiving with the turkey replaced by a mountain of misshapen pancakes and the potatoes replaced by fruit and strips of bacon. As they all began to take their seats, Justin began to speak. “No one is going to make any revelations this time, right?” Everyone looked up, one at another, smiles slowly appeared on their faces, then laughter erupted from them all. 

The sound of serving utensils clanking against plates while everyone served themselves far too much food. Two years ago, this scene certainly would not have looked like this. But even through the darkness and tragedy, came reality. A new family. A tighter friend group. And a brunch with family 

Clay slowly picked at his food, seemingly nervous or hesitant. Justin noticed it first. “Hey, you okay?” he leaned over and asked quietly. This brunch was Clay’s idea, but here he was, pulling back again and Justin had become extra vigilant at Clay’s response to everyday moments. Their moments together had lately become more emotional in the sense that they were both healing and learning to live in their new realities been emotional but never before -- aside from the times he thought his mom had overdosed -- had he been so scared. Clay was his brother. His weirdness made him laugh. His awkwardness made him want to help him grow out of his shell. His true kindness made him love him. 

At first, Clay didn’t acknowledge the question. Justin let it hang in the air between them for a second. Then he leaned back in, closer this time, resting his hand on Clay’s shoulder while asking the question again. The touch snapped Clay back into the present. He looked quickly over at Justin, then the group. “Yeah, sorry,” he responded to Justin. 

“Yeah so, thank you all for being here today,” Clay began, startling the group who all had their mouths full of food. “I just want to thank you all for everything. I know I haven’t made it easy, but you guys always stand by me. So, thank you.” 

Sometimes Clay had a way with words, and sometimes, it was a miracle for him to just get something coherent out of his mouth. But it was all that needed to be said. As Clay put a forkful of his pancakes into his mouth, Matt and Justin simultaneously and unplanned, put their hands on Clay’s back; reassuring and reaffirming their love and affection for their son and brother. 

After all the dishes were done and Tony and Caleb had departed to a parade of hugs, Clay and Justin rode together to Monet’s; Clay to meet Alex, Justin to work a short afternoon shift. 

Meeting Alex was a part of Clay’s rehab as Dr. Edelman liked to call it. Just a way for Clay to apologize, own his mistakes, and make amends. At first, it sounded weird to Clay to make amends like Justin had done in his recovery, but Clay, too, had hurt people. He’d hurt Ani. He’s hurt Alex. Jess. His parents. And Justin. The past few days he had talked with Ani and Jess, but now he needed to talk to Alex. With Alex, it hadn’t been one major thing but a lot of minor issues he had let get in the way of being a good friend. 

And Alex was a good friend. Just like Justin, they hadn’t begun high school as friends. They were both outsiders, but outside of each other’s outsider circles. Hannah had helped to bring them together. Pulling the door open, Clay saw Alex sitting alone at a table on the upper level which was definitely his favorite spot in the whole place. Justin waved goodbye to Clay and told him he would bring him a coffee in a minute. 

“Hey Alex,” Clay said as he pulled out the chair across from Alex who was already halfway through his own coffee. “You don’t waste any time with your coffee, do you?” 

“Why waste time when there are so many other mundane things to do with the day?” Alex retorted with his depressing sense of humor. Sometimes it put others off, but Clay always enjoyed it on some level. It was funny, slightly dry, and sometimes dark. 

In the background, the music was melodic, calming for a busling Saturday outside. Families were out shopping and enjoying the nice spring weather which caused the stream of people to remain constant to get their afternoon fix of coffee. 

Alex did not beat around the bush and immediately asked Clay why he wanted to meet. Clay laughed. But he had probably earned that since the last time they had really spoken, he had lost his shit over Winston. 

“Basically, I just wanted to apologize for everything,” he started. He didn’t look down at his coffee that Justin had delivered as promised. Instead he looked straight at Alex. “I was a dumb ass as Justin likes to say.” Alex agreed with a light laugh. “This isn’t my burden. It’s ours. And together we will weather it.” At the conclusion of his statement, Clay pulled the hot coffee up to his lips.

“Thanks Clay,” Alex responded with his dry vocals. “I am just trying to live each day the best I can to make it right … not make it right exactly, but make my life worth something more than everything that has happened. Ya know?” 

Clay shook his head. On that point, he had begun to understand what that all meant. Lately, he had been talking about that very concept in his therapy sessions. It was a balance of understanding all the bad that had happened and the weight of all of those things and coupling that with the possibilities of the future. It was the future that was the paradox. The future would always have this cloud of reprisal; that one day a motivated young cold case investigator would piece all these events together and then track down Clay and the gang and put them all into jail. On the other side were a half-dozen lives worth living. His life now needed to be about love and kindness and chasing dreams. Hannah needed to have died for something. 

As he thought of what to say next, he looked down and saw part of his semicolon tattoo. The reminder of a choice to live even if there was a pause in the chapter. 

“So,” Clay awkwardly continued, “What are you going to do after school?” 

“I got into UCLA last week and a few community colleges too, so I’m not sure yet really,” Alex answered. “My dad wants me to stay close to home, so I’m still waiting on Sanderson.” 

“Yeah,” Clay agreed. “After everything with me, my folks want me to stay as close to home as possible, so I may just do a year at Sanderson then maybe go to Brown or UCLA like I have wanted.” 

The coffee shop continued to have a rolling line of customers and conversations and Alex and Clay were just one of many groups of people talking and re-connecting. A centuries old recurring ritual and it was playing out yet again on this Saturday in Evergreen. 

Clay rolled his now empty coffee cup in his hand, searching for what to say next. He wanted it to be right. “I know I have been a dick to you sometimes.” He laughed at the same time Alex did. “Okay, maybe a lot.” In that moment, a calmness came over him. “I’m sorry for anything I have done that hurt you. You’re a good guy and I’m glad to, ah, have you as a friend.” 

Alex nodded in agreement. “Same, Clay.” The hum of the coffeeshop was somewhat therapeutic. Maybe that is why it had become the meeting place of the FML gang and maybe why Justin enjoyed coming to work so much. It was a calming energy mixed with a weird feeling of love. 

“Well, I need to go meet Charlie,” Alex said, with a slight smile on his face. 

“Yeah, I should probably get home, too,” Clay agreed. 

They stood up and started walking towards the exit together. “Hey, how’s that going, by the way?” Clay asked as they reached the door. 

“It’s weird ya know?” Alex began as he shoved his hands into his jacket pockets and pulled his shoulders close. “It feels different than when I dated Jess. It feels … right, I guess?” It was a feeling Clay knew all too well and he smiled knowing Alex had found himself through all of the tragedy of Liberty High School. 

As Alex began to walk away, Clay reached for the door to Monet’s. “See ya later, Alex. I’m going to go talk to Justin quick.” Alex waved back as Clay went back inside. He waited for Justin to be done with the customers and walked to the side of the counter. 

“Hey Jensen,” Justin welcomed him. “Need more coffee?” 

He was not sure exactly what to say or how to ask, and instead of searching for the right words, Clay just decided to ask. “I wanted to ask if you were doing anything after work?” 

“Nope, was just going to go back home and crash,” Justin answered. “Why, what’s up?” 

“I guess I wanted to ask if you wanted to do something? Just us?” He asked. And when he did he realized how dumb it sounded coming out of his mouth and immediately wanted to take it back.

Justin was wiping the counter as he answered in the affirmative. “Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll come home, shower, and we can do something.” 

“Cool,” Clay said, turning and heading out the door a second time. Cool, he thought. 

He couldn’t remember the last time they had hung out, just the two of them. Since Justin had moved in, they had gone to parties and stuff, but rarely had they found the occasion to just go and do something -- the two of them. But since coming back home and Justin getting out of rehab, it was something he wanted to do and more importantly, make a point of doing. 

The shift had been a short one, just four hours, but he was glad he’d taken it. His time at Monet’s was always something he enjoyed. He liked the work. He enjoyed the people. Above all, it was a part of his freedom; his ability to control something in his life when it had forever been uncontrollable. Clay asking randomly to hang out was just going to be a cherry on top. The last six months had been hell. Relapsing and going into rehab only to come back home to Clay having a mental breakdown only added to his desire to find balance and peace. In some odd way, having Clay back home added to that peace and comfort he had longed for. 

He pulled the car into the driveway, eager to wash the coffee smell off his skin; a constant task anytime he worked. There was a bounce in his step as he climbed them two at a time and he immediately saw mom and dad watching yet another movie. 

“Hey Justin,” his mom welcomed him home just like another member of the family. 

“Hey Mom,” he quickly and nonchalantly responded as he continued to the kitchen. There was pizza still sitting on the table in an open delivery box and he grabbed a slice without missing a beat. He yelled back at them that he was going to go shower and hang out with Clay. Just like that. In unison, they both yelled back to have a good time. 

As he exited the house and headed back to the outhouse, the feeling was entirely different than what he would feel when he would leave Bryce’s main house and go to the pool house, a building where he spent most of his sophomore year. Taking the steps down with a slice of pizza in his hand, he didn’t try to hide the smile on his face. It was real. And he liked it. 

“Jensen!” he yelled as he entered the outhouse. “I’m going to shower and we can jet.” 

In typical Clay fashion, he was already hanging out, watching a movie, dressed and ready to go. It always made Justin laugh. Even in the shower he laughed that Clay was predictable, but perfect. He was flawed just like himself. But he was perfect. Their differences were stark and the valley between them vast, but just like two mountains sitting in the same range, they seemed to work together. Just two peaks watching over one another from sunrise to sunset, through rain and snow, day and night, their vision of each other was clear. 

Clay took the keys from Justin’s hand and told him he had a plan. Justin laughed and responded in a snotty, “Yes, sir!” 

It was typical Clay; organized, meticulous, and high-strung. But tonight, it wasn’t in the bad way. It was just in the Clay-way. Thankfully, the coffee smell from Justin had been washed off but the car now always smelled like Monet’s. Clay always made fun of him for it, but Justin didn’t care. He always would come back with something about Clay’s cologne. 

Clay drove the car through downtown and right past The Crestmont. As the car went past, Justin’s head turned and looked at the regal building with its marquee announcing the upcoming weekend’s film lineup. His mind immediately went to the night they searched for Clay. They had raced to the Crestmont in hopes they would find Clay sitting on the curb crying. It held a special place in Clay’s life. Watching out of the corner of his eye, it did not seem that it even phased him to drive past. Maybe things were looking up. Or maybe this is all it was, a place in time. 

The sun had begun to set on yet another Saturday in Evergreen. Clay had finally driven the two of them to the pier and was circling for a parking spot. “The Pier?” Justin asked with a slightly raised eyebrow. “This isn’t a date, is it?” 

Clay rolled his eyes. “Fuck, Justin. No.” 

His response made him laugh. Typical Clay. “Dude, I was kidding. You know I’m out of your league.” He just couldn’t resist the joke, especially after Clay set him up perfectly. 

Clay responded in typical Clay fashion. He got out of the car, slammed his door shut, and said a stern, “Fuck you.” It made Justin roll his eyes and as they both rounded the front of the car, Justin tossed his arm around Clay’s shoulder and pulled him close. Nothing needed to be said, but Justin hoped that the gesture would make Clay understand he was joking in the car. Without hesitation, Clay returned the gesture. 

“So, what’s the plan?” Justin asked, taking his arm off Clay’s shoulder and shoving his hands into his jacket pockets. They were walking towards all the shopping and eateries on the Pier. Just like Monet’s during the day, the pier at night was a popular place full of families having a night out, couples on dates, and friends catching up. They were now joined by two brothers spending their first time together in a long time. 

“There isn’t like this big grand plan,” Clay began as he pointed towards one of the shops ahead of them. “I just wanted to spend some time with you and hang out and talk.” Justin could tell he had caused Clay to be slightly frustrated which had never been his intention. He could usually poke and prod him, but maybe that wasn’t the case anymore, or maybe just tonight. Clay had always been someone who enjoyed sarcasm but also had a sensitive edge to him. It was actually something that Justin appreciated because for so long, Justin had pushed down his sensitive side to survive the world he was living in. But now, as a Jensen, his emotions were encouraged. All of them. Joy and sadness, laughter and anger. 

The sun had nearly set now and the lights from the stores lit up the boardwalk along with overhead lights creating an ambiance reminiscent of a romcom movie. Clay stopped in front of a pizza place. “This good with you?” he asked. Justin agreed that pizza sounded perfect. Clay had actually been dreaming of this pizza for weeks and was eager to order two slices and two sodas and was happy to be sharing it with Justin. The pizza was New York Style crust and the slices were huge. 

Clay turned around with the slices and sodas and saw that Justin had secured a table by the water and near one of the coveted overhead heaters. He sat the slices down first, then reached into his pockets and pulled out the two cans of soda. Before he could even sit down, Justin already had his slice up to his mouth and was taking an enormous bite. With a mouthful of food, “Man, this pizza is so fucking good,” Justin confirmed. Surprisingly, he had never tried this pizza and he thought he had tried all the best pizza in town. 

“Dad used to take me here when I was in middle school,” Clay said as he took his first bite. “It was kind of our thing but then I got into high school and kinda closed off and we stopped coming.” 

The revelation surprised Justin. He had always seen Clay and dad having a strong and solid relationship but the timeline made sense given everything he knew and understood about Clay. 

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Justin said. He of course knew Clay would say yes, but it was a defense mechanism. Maybe Clay would say no. And even if not, it gave him a few more seconds to build up his strength to ask what had been on his mind since he came back from rehab. 

As predicted, Clay agreed almost immediately. 

“Is it okay with you that I call Matt and Laine mom and dad?” It was out there. And now he waited to be told, ‘No fucking way Justin. They are not your parents. Fuck.’ 

But it didn’t come. Clay looked at him and Justin could feel his eyes. Justin kept his eyes down looking at his pizza that he now played with and didn’t eat. Around them, people continued to walk around them, but their noise was a low hum. The lights were only on them. The conversation they heard was only theirs. 

“Justin,” Clay began. “Look at me.” He waited for Justin to raise his eyes. Justin’s face gave it away. Even before seeing it, Clay knew how he was going to respond. The face showed years of neglect and rejection and abuse. The face always gives away true emotions. It killed Clay to see it, just as Clay’s continual battle with Hannah gutted Justin. “Do you remember that day in Monet’s when I asked if you wanted to be adopted?” 

“Yeah, why?” 

“I meant it.” Clay stated. “We didn’t decide on a whim. Mom, Dad, and I talked about it a lot. We wanted to make sure it was the right thing for us, but also for you. And when I asked you, I wasn’t asking you to be a live-in friend. Justin, you’re my brother. Do you hear me? You’re my fucking brother. So yeah, they are your mom and dad. Don’t ever worry about that, okay?” 

Just like the moment in Monet’s when Clay asked him to become his brother, Justin had tears in his eyes again. “Thanks, Clay. I know it hasn’t been easy … for either of us. But I’m glad we’re not just friends anymore. You, this family, is the best thing that has ever happened to me.” 

“We have to get you a girl man,” Clay joked. In a moment of sincere love for each other, Clay took a page from Justin’s book and made a joke in a serious moment. Better yet, It was a joke Justin would make. 

For years, Clay had been a stoic machine, and in ways, he still was. He still loved his robots and spent far too much time reading his comics, writing, and drawing. But with Justin in his life, he had opened up. Mom and Dad had seen it. That change, the growth in Clay, was one of the many reasons they even suggested adopting Justin. He had helped bring Clay out of his hard shell and into a whole new world. Now Clay would occasionally go to parties. He went to school dances and sporting events. He had even gone on a date or two. 

Growing up is hard enough. The journey that Clay and Justin had gone on and through, mostly apart, and now together, was a testament to a radically changing world and these two young men were just caught up in it. On the surface, Clay’s life had been standard and safe. Justin’s the opposite. He had no support system outside of a weak link of Bryce. He had no real family network of love and compassion. And he had no vision of a plausible future. 

Both boys had weathered a hurricane, a tornado, and a flood. They, together, had found a way to stand strong and keep paddling. 

Justin hesitated for a moment asking another question on his mind. He wanted to get the question out right. He knew and understood Clay was still recovering and wanted to be sensitive, even though it was not one of his best qualities. He more than most understood how triggers worked and did not want to become one for Clay. 

“If this isn’t okay or I shouldn’t ask, just say so and we will forget it,” Justin began. “How are you? With life? With Hannah?” Justin watched his face closely for any sign, any signal. Did he cross the line? Did he just trigger him? Was it a dumb question? Thankfully for Justin, Clay didn’t run off. He didn’t scream. And he didn’t get angry. He answered. 

He saw Clay make a slight smirk, the way he does with the side of his mouth to create a ridge between his cheek and his lips. It happened when he smiled and certainly when he smirked. Just like now. 

“So, it’s a work in progress, I guess?” he began. “I am figuring out how to live with her memory, but not let it control me.” He explained that it was hard. Terribly hard. But Dr. Edelman was pushing him to address the pain. To walk through it. To live in it. And then to let it go. “Look, I’m sorry I let it get so bad and that … you know … everything happened.” 

“Dude, no,” Justin tried to counter but Clay shut him down. 

“No, Justin. I know I can’t do that. I know I have to be better for me, for you, for mom and dad. I can’t live in the past,” Clay retorted. It’s what Dr. Edelman had told him to do; to walk into the anxiety. To feel it. To experience it. To understand it. Then he could live with it. “Now can I ask a question?” Clay asked. 

“Shoot,” Justin offered. 

“You obviously just asked about mom and dad,” he began, “but I’m obviously not stupid and I know that Amber was your mom, too. How are you doing with that?” By this point, their pizza had been eaten and their sodas mostly finished, so Justin had nothing to delay his answer with. But he still turned his soda can around in the palm of his hand. 

His eyes looked down at the can and Clay could see him searching for the words and immediately he felt bad for asking. “Look,” he began, trying to save his brother from the difficult question, “forget it. Just know I’m here if you ever want to talk about it.” 

“Let’s walk around the pier,” Justin suggested and stood up before Clay could debate the point. 

They tossed their trash into a nearby can and slowly walked along the boardwalk towards the pier. The air had turned crisp and the sky had turned dark. But both boys were enjoying the night together and were in no hurry to go home. 

“Coffee?” Justin asked, pointing towards the coffee shop at the corner of the boardwalk and the pier. “My treat.” Clay agreed and let Justin go order. He knew he knew what to order. He waited along the railing and turned his eyes towards the water. The waves were soft now, slowly and gently crashing against the worn concrete wall underneath him. He could see across the water to the other side of town, the area where Justin used to live. Two different worlds. Two different lives. And without one event; one terrible life-altering event, neither of them would be standing on this boardwalk at this moment. 

Justin broke his trance with a tap on the shoulder with a steaming cup of coffee. “Thanks,” Clay said as he took the coffee from him and quickly took a sip. He’d never cared how hot the coffee was; he always took a sip quickly. Justin had always made fun of him for it, because he always managed to burn his tongue. Once he’d done it again, Justin motioned with his hand holding his cup to start walking along the pier. 

They weren’t walking fast and Clay could sense Justin wanted to talk and answer his question. As they took step after step, the noise from the diners and shoppers on the boardwalk turned to a low hum, and finally Justin spoke. “It sucks, obviously, Clay,” he began. “She was my mom. She wasn’t great at it and honestly, I was so glad that you all wanted me in your family. But I think, and this is going to sound weird and even Dr. Edelman said it isn’t logical, but I feel like I let her down somehow. That maybe if I had stayed, she would still be alive.” He fully expected Clay to object to that statement, it was his normal M.O. Push back when the world didn’t operate the way he felt it should. But, he didn’t. He just kept putting one foot in front of the other, slowly. He was listening to Justin. There was a hesitation when Justin began to tell his truth, but with no judgement from Clay, he turned to face the water and leaned onto the railing and took a deep breath while looking out over the calm water. 

“There is a part of me that has felt that I just mess everything up in my life. Like, I come here, to your house, to our house,” he quickly corrected himself, “and shit blows up with mom and dad. And I leave my mom and she falls apart and ends up dying. I just feel that everything I have touched over the last two years has blown up.” Again, Clay didn’t say anything but he really wanted to. He wanted to tell his brother that he was wrong. He wanted to say that in no way did he fuck anything up. But he waited. From his position, he could see Justin still had things he wanted to say. They both took a sip of their coffee; Clay’s eyes never leaving Justin’s face and Justin remained focused on the water. The top of the water moved ever so slightly, up and down, in no particular direction. Just moving freely and without obstruction. “So, yeah, to answer your original question, I’m doing okay. I miss her, but I know, deep down, there was nothing I could do and she was going to do what she was going to do.” 

He paused again. He only had one more thing to say. Despite everything, the pain, the sorrow, the drugs, and the fear, there was only one truth that mattered each day to Justin as he climbed out of bed and in this moment, standing on the pier with Clay.

“I’m happy where I’m at. And I wouldn’t change a thing.” 

The night air had a crispness when matched with the light sounds of the water lapping against the pier and from afar, it was a beautiful sight, the two young men stood there, together, bonded by a fight for life, for justice, and for love. In their walk, the coffee turned luke-warm and as Clay took a sip, he mentioned they should probably get home. Justin agreed without putting up a fight, but Clay could see a little disappointment in his response. Their bro-night was coming to an end.

The boardwalk was crowded with people, enjoying dates, family time, and a night with friends, and both Clay and Justin walked together, coffees at their side, without a regret at this very moment. “Justin,” Clay interrupted their slow walk back to the car. “I just wanted to say thanks for coming out tonight. I know I’m not like Zach, or Charlie, or one of the guys, but, thanks.” 

Justin gave him a soft laugh. “Clay,” he said as he reached out and grabbed his arm to stop him. “Yeah, you’re not Zach, or Charlie, or one of the other teammates. You’re my fucking brother, Clay. I’ll always spend time with you. You’re the fucking reason I’m alive. I hope you know that. I hope you know you are the most fucking important person in the world to me. So get that through your stubborn head, alright?” As he said it, he pulled Clay close and wrapped his arms around him and held him close. 

“I love you, Justin,” Clay said as he wrapped his arms around his brother in return. Right there on the pier, the brothers stood still, together, each holding the other up. 

As Clay pulled the car into the driveway, they were both surprised to find the front room’s lights still on, and the silhouettes to their parents in the room. Clay turned off the car and looked over to Justin. It was either good news or bad. But it was most definitely news. 

Justin entered the house first with Clay closely behind. After an evening of laughs and honest conversation, both boys felt worn out and weary of another difficult conversation. Justin didn’t want to deal with it and Clay took it head on. 

“If it’s bad news,” he announced as he rounded the corner with Justin, “we don’t want to hear it.” 

Both Matt and Laine couldn’t help but respond with smiles on their faces as they held back their own laughter. “What if it’s good news? What then?” Laine countered Clay’s disdain for more bad news. 

Clay and Justin looked over at each other. They had not expected good news. After their separate and now joined journeys, they were conditioned for nothing more than a steady stream of bad news. 

Matt leaned over to the side table and picked up an envelope. He held it in his hand for a moment before holding it out for Justin. “This came for you today, Justin.” 

He hesitated for a moment before reaching out his hand to take the white envelope from dad’s outstretched hand. He first saw his name on the envelope, Mr. Justin Foley-Jensen. It had been something he’d first asked Laine’s permission to do and she had encouraged him to ask Clay. He’ll never forget that conversation. By that point, they had gotten to know each other pretty well but were still living in Clay’s old room on the second floor. Justin had just taken a long shower to work up the courage to ask, and as he slipped on his sweatpants, he just blurted it out. At first, as the words left his mouth, he figured Clay would just laugh at him and tell him to fuck off. But to his surprise, Clay was excited about the idea. He wanted it to be that way. After all their fighting and hatred of each other, Clay had wanted to make it official. 

As Justin looked at the outside of the envelope, Clay noticed it too. It gave him a smile. “Well, Justin, are you going to open it?” he questioned. 

“Fine, fine,” Justing said as he slipped his finger under the flap and gently, but forcefully ripped open the envelope. The other three didn’t know why he was being careful, but to Justin, this envelope represented his future. Justin Foley-Jensen was a new man, a happy man, and this was the ticket to the future. 

With care, he slipped the packet of pages out. Bound together with a large paperclip, the top page was a formal letter. His eyes began to scan the page as Matt, Laine, and Clay watched and waited. 

“It is with great pleasure that I welcome you to the Sanderson family,” Justin read aloud. Before he could keep reading, Clay’s arms were wrapped around him, practically lifting his entire body off the ground. 

Across the room, Matt and Laine had stood up from the couch and were holding each other close, watching their boys celebrate. Once Clay let Justin’s feet touch the floor again, he looked over at them and saw the pride on their faces. “Get over here!” he commanded them. And together they celebrated a night of family. 

*****

The right of passage had finally arrived. A knock on the door startled the boys who were just hanging out on the couch playing a video game to pass the time. She didn’t wait for the okay to come in, but she gingerly peered around the corner to make sure they were decent. 

“Boys,” she announced, “I brought you coffee!” She had barely finished the sentence when Justin jumped off the couch and met her in their mini-kitchen. 

“You’re the best!” he said, as he took a cup from her hand. Much like Clay, he didn’t wait to let it cool, he just put the cup straight to his lips. As the coffee hit his tongue, his face went from excited to surprised. “Shit, that’s hot!” She couldn’t help but laugh at her son. 

Justin left Clay alone to lose the game while Laine looked over their tuxes hanging on the mirror. “They look good, don’t they?” Justin asked, almost begging for a compliment. She looked at him with a motherly smile, half proud of him, half hating him for pulling the compliment out of her. But two could play this game. 

“The suits look great,” she began, building the punchline, hoping it would land and not become yet another lame attempt at a joke from mom. “But I’m not sure that status will remain once you put them on.” 

After years of challenges and uncertainties for both Clay and Justin, tonight was a celebration. Matt had helped the boys pick out their tuxes; an easier task given both were going stag. Clay had long ago lost Ani and Justin had maintained his need to remain single at this stage of his recovery. The joke had made Justin laugh so she felt it had been a successful mom-joke. 

While Justin and Clay got ready, Matt and Laine sat in the kitchen, snacking and enjoying a glass of wine. To Clay and Justin, it was a normal Saturday night. But to them, it was a day of relief. The boys had almost made it. When Justin had gone off to rehab, they spent many-a-night restless and worried about their new son. Of course, they had known it would be an uphill battle with unforeseen challenges, but four weeks without their son whom they had grown to love, was a tough cross to bear. And when Clay was in the hospital, and Justin was back, their family again felt like they couldn’t get over the hump. Justin had been an amazing marker of stability for them both. 

They were both taken out of their daydreaming with a pronouncement from Justin with Clay by his side, “Mom, I think you were wrong. We look stunning.” Justin had a big grin on his face while Clay looked moderately embarrassed by Justin’s comment. 

“Justin, I stand corrected.” She looked over at Matt briefly. “Happily.” 

Clay pushed his way through to the snacks on the table and in ever-Clay fashion, he announced, “We should probably get going. Don’t want to be late.” 

The prom was being held at a hotel downtown and as the gang walked in together, they were stunned by the place. It looked, immaculate. It didn’t take long for Zach to chime in as the group stood looking over the room, “This party isn’t going to dance itself! Let’s go!” He pushed his way forward and towards the dance floor. 

Everyone couldn’t help but smile at each other and in turn, do what he demanded. Soon the dance floor was filled with everyone from the gang; celebrating the near-conclusion of their senior year. 

Tony had long since given up DJ duties and was instead dancing the night away with Caleb. After a bit, Clay was danced out and found his way to a table next to Alex and Charlie. He sat down and watched the group of silly high schoolers act like they knew how to dance when in reality, it was just a jumbled mess of energy bouncing around in a hotel ballroom. Tony had been a rock during the tapes and was willing to do anything to help his friends. It was clear the night Clay went missing how much Tony would do for his friends. It was a bond. And for two young men who built walls around themselves, somehow long ago, these two had torn them down and found a special place in each other's hearts. 

“You okay?” Alex asked, leaning closer to Clay and yelling over the music, breaking his trance. 

His eyes didn’t leave the dance floor as he smirked. “Yeah, I’m great.” His classmates kept dancing and bouncing around, and Clay was content to stay in his seat. “Hey Alex,” he said leaning back over towards him. “I’m really happy for you … and Charlie.” 

Alex took a second to process the statement and looked over at Charlie briefly before turning back towards Clay. “Thanks, Clay.” 

“No, really. I know it hasn’t been easy for either of us, and you found your true self. And I’m happy for you. And … proud.” 

Just at that moment, Clay jumped at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, can I steal this guy for a moment?” the voice asked Alex. 

“Dude!” Clay jumped in his seat. “You know not to scare me. How long have we been friends?” Both Alex and Charlie couldn’t help but laugh at Clay’s extreme overreaction. 

Alex looked up at Tony and smiled, “Yeah, you can have him. He is sufficiently high-strung now.” At that comment, Charlie gently punched Alex’s shoulder, trying to tell him through the punch to be nicer to his friends. But Alex knew Clay and Tony both understood his humor. 

“Guys,” Clay said as he stood up and gave a gentle wave. The happy couple responded in kind. They returned to their prom date conversation while Clay followed Tony. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but anything was better than dancing at this point, he thought to himself. The music had turned from rage dance music to something softer and slower. At that, Clay was happy to not be near the dance floor, dateless. 

Tony pulled him over to a corner of the ballroom; not quite quiet but at least not raging and impossible to hear. “What’s up, Tony?” Clay asked, looking his best friend in the eyes. 

“Remember when you called me, unhelpful Yoda?” 

Clay laughed and shook his head in gentle protest. “Yeah, of course. And you were unhelpful,” he responded, remembering how Tony was there every step of the way as he listened to Hannah’s tapes. “But you were also …. no, you are also the best friend anyone could ever ask for.” 

Tony reached out and put his hand up onto Clay’s shoulder, “Mijo, Clay, I love you man.” They both smiled at each other. Their lives had twisted and turned and through all the potholes and diversions, they had always come back to each other. “I wanted you to be the first to know that I signed my letter today to go to college to box.” 

It took a moment for Clay to process Tony’s statement. Tony had never been the college-going kind. He was going to work at the shop and live his life his way. The sentimental smile had turned into a beaming smile of pride, of love, of unconditional love. Tony and Clay were brothers with a bond forged in a shared journey of acceptance. 

“What?!” Clay exclaimed. “Are you fucking kidding me? That’s fucking amazing!” Before he could finish the last sentence, Clay had his arms wrapped around Tony, pulling him close. “I’m proud of you man.” He kept talking into Tony’s ear, not wanting to let him go, but beaming with pride for this man. 

The music didn’t match the moment, but to these guys, it didn’t matter. Their battles were changing. The tapes hadn’t destroyed them. 

Off on the dance floor, Justin and Jessica, the star-crossed lovers and the “it” couple of the senior class were sharing a dance together. Justin held her close and they moved gently to the music. 

Since their hookup the day of Justin’s almost-relapse, they had kept their encounters to the school hallways and the classes they had together. They had remained friends, that could never change. As Justin held her close, he could smell her perfume. She’d had the same scent since the day they had met years ago. He inhaled and closed his eyes. 

“Jess, you know I love you right?” he whispered into her ear. 

Without moving her head from his shoulder, she nodded in agreement. “Of course Justin. I will always love your stupid ass.” 

He couldn’t help but laugh with her. She always had a way with his spirit. But it was still heavy. He knew what was on his heart. “Jess,” he began. He pulled away ever-so-slightly and she did the same. “I will always love you, Jess. Always. But, I have to let you go. I have … you need something more than me. But I will always love you.” 

She watched his lips move as he finally said what they both knew would be the ultimate end for them. Her eyes told him she knew. She, too, had known for a while. A stream of tears flowed from her eyes as she leaned back into him. He pulled her close and they continued dancing like the night would never end. She felt one of his tears land on the top of her head as they swayed together to the music. Two souls. Forever intertwined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter in this story. Thank you so much for reading and enjoying this alternate ending. The final chapter comes out in a few days! 
> 
> To check out some of my other writings, follow me on social, or sign up for my awesome newsletter, go to my website: [My Website](https://www.richarddedor.com/13-reasons-why-by-richard-dedor)


	10. Graduation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter. Thank you all for reading. I have more things in the works so see the end of this story to get more info!

“Who is ready to graduate?” Matt boasted as he opened the outhouse door and found his two boys still laying in their beds. He carried with him two steaming cups of coffee for his boys who had made it; they had survived. 

As he placed the mugs onto the table, he let out a sigh of relief looking at them. He had hated high school. Luckily, both Clay and Justin had great friends, more than he could say for his own experience. 

Justin, a son he never knew he really wanted, but now would fight to the death for, had come into their home hooked on drugs while his other son had helped to detox him. And when on Thanksgiving, Justin had come clean about using again, they didn’t break. They didn’t scream and throw him out. They embraced him with love. He will never forget the day they dropped him off at treatment. There hadn’t been a fight. Justin wanted to get better. Clay had said goodbye to him at the house. The drive had been short and quiet. When they got to the center, Justin grabbed his bag and hopped out of the car. The 28 days ahead of him would be the most challenging thing he would likely ever experience, but he could tell Justin wanted to be there. Justin did not make it a big deal. He turned and hugged them both and said he loved them. They squeezed him tight and let him go. And now, as he stood watching over his boys, he remembered getting home that afternoon and hanging out with Clay. They ordered pizza and watched a movie together. The mood had been somber that night. They cleaned up the kitchen together and as Clay turned and headed to bed, in the outhouse alone, he turned around and asked a question that broke their collective hearts. “Mom, Dad,” he began, “Is Justin going to be okay? I don’t want to lose him.” They could feel the fear in his voice and see the anguish on his face. Matt quickly closed the gap between them and wrapped him in a huge hug. Laine joined them and rubbed his back. His crying was quiet, but they could both feel his tears. Matt held his son close. “He’ll be back, kiddo. He’s coming back and he will be stronger and better and come back as the Justin we all love.” 

And Clay. Justin, back from rehab and as strong as ever, helped to save his other son. These two were bonded so close together. In the time Justin was gone, he and Matt spent more time together than usual and Clay filled him in on more of the Justin backstory. Even with the trial, Clay hadn’t told a lot of the backstory of Hannah to Matt or Laine. But with Justin gone, Clay began to open up about their history; the animosity between the two of them, how everything happened with Hannah and the photo, Justin’s threats to Clay after the tapes came out, and then how Clay went to find him in Oakland. Matt couldn’t help but be amazed at the growth of Clay and how his quiet little boy had grown up into this man who, even with his challenges and need to be a hero, had grown up to have an amazing heart and was willing to help someone whom he owed nothing. 

Today, looking at both boys sleeping, he smiled with pride and sighed with relief that his boys had made it. They had survived. 

“Dad,” Justin groaned, “Why are you standing there all creepy-like?” 

He couldn’t help but laugh. It sounded like something Clay would say. Maybe they were rubbing off a little too much on each other. “I brought you boys coffee to get the day started off on the right foot. And your mom is getting breakfast ready.” 

Justin quickly sat up and held out his hands. “Yes, bring me the coffee please.” Matt walked over and handed over a cup to him. He sat there holding the cup in the palms of his hands. Matt stood next to the bed, still holding the other cup, while Clay still had not flinched. “Want to sit?” Justin asked as he nodded his head towards his disheveled bed sheets. Matt smiled and accepted the offer. 

Instinctively, he raised the cup to his own lips and took a sip of the coffee meant for Clay. They both looked over at him sleeping. “Should we wake him up?” Justin asked, taking another sip. Matt turned his head and laughed at Justin who sat in bed, still shirtless, enjoying his coffee with his dad. 

“Nah, let him sleep. Laine will be in soon to get you guys for breakfast.” He took a deep sigh. For 18 years Clay has always slept in. And even today, he’s sleeping in. For a moment, he broke his trance, and turned to Justin. He looked at his face. His sweet boy. 18 years of torment, neglect, pain, fear; and all the while, he was full of love and compassion. He cupped the mug with his left hand and gently reached out with his right hand. Justin’s arm was resting on his leg and Matt’s hand touched his forearm. “I’m so proud of you, Justin. I want you to enjoy today. You’ve earned it.” 

His hand didn’t linger long. Just enough time for Justin to feel his energy, his love, his passion for his own success and happiness. That’s all it took. That’s all it would ever take. 

Before long, the boys found their way into the house and the incredible spread of food Laine had been working on all morning. Waffles, eggs, toast, avocado, and of course, coffee. All the coffee. 

“Hey boys,” she said, welcoming them to their day of celebration. 

“Jesus, mom,” Clay responded, seeing the amount of food on the table. She always had this way with events. Thanksgiving or Christmas, or like that time she started to do family breakfasts a few years back. He made fun of her but secretly, he loved it. This little thing, like Justin’s love of family movie nights, made this family the close knit group they had become. And today, with Matt and Laine watching, they would take a step forward. Not into adulthood; that step had happened long ago for both boys. Just a step forward. 

Even with being surprised at the amount of food she had made, Clay did not hesitate to make a full plate. He had a lot on his mind this morning. He was one of the speakers at the ceremony and he had been agonizing all week over what to say and how to say it. Only Justin had heard some of the drafts, but even he was unsure what he might say on the stage. 

With their mouths stuffed full of food, Justin broke the silence. “Hey, can I say something?” All eyes went onto him, much like they had back at Thanksgiving when he confessed to relapsing. But this felt different. He had a smile on his face. With everyone’s attention on him, he sat his plate down and held his coffee cup in his hand. In 18 years, he had never done this before. 

“So, I just wanted to say,” he began, first looking down at his mug, and then back up at Clay, then Matt, then Laine, “how thankful I am for all of you. I could not think of a better way to celebrate today than with my family. And I know as we go off to college, things will change, but you are my family. Always. And because of you all, I get to go to college and I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am going to study to become a social worker.” 

He had agonized for weeks about what he would study and even though his dad said he didn’t have to decide for a while, this made sense. Matt and Laine briefly glanced at each other, taking in the news. The other could see the pride on their faces. And Clay responded in typical Justin-fashion, “Cool.” 

Laine closed the distance between them and wrapped him in a motherly hug. “I’m so proud of you, Justin.” She pulled away and looked into his eyes, “This is amazing. And you’re going to be amazing.” She looked at both boys, “We are both so proud of you both.” 

The sun hung high in the bright ocean blue sky as the Jensen crew made their way to their seats. The crowd had already begun to filter in and fill up the seats awaiting a celebration some never thought would come. Justin certainly never thought he would make it to this point. He never thought he would even make it out of Oakland, let alone back in this town with a family. A family he never had, nor thought he deserved. He knew he deserved love and compassion, just like everyone else. From his assigned seat, he watched his brother walk up to the podium to deliver his much anticipated speech. His brother. He thought back to Monet’s after Hannah memorial service when Clay asked him to become his brother. He laughed at Clay at the time, but deep down, it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. They wanted him. And in return, they got a son and a brother who would forever be loyal. 

His heart pounded against his chest as Clay stood in front of the microphone. “It comes down to one question. Will you survive high school? Will I survive? Because I know too many people who didn’t.” The pounding against his chest grew more intense. He was going for it. The audience was engrossed in Clay’s message. He talked about hate and love. 

And then he brought up their dad. “My dad loves to tell me stories about when he was in high school. The stories usually involve chess club and obscure bands with funny haircuts, because the ’80s were a strange, strange time. But he always gets one thing right. He knows high school can hurt. That it can be painful. That there are days when that’s all it is. And he once told me that he’s living proof… you can survive. You can get through it. He’s living proof, and so am I. And so are you Justin. And so are all of you.” He called him out. He called his own brother out in the most loving way he could. “My brother always says his goal is to survive. And together we do. One day at a time. ‘Cause even on the worst day, there are people who love you. There’s new music waiting for you to hear, some… something you haven’t seen before that will blow your mind in the best way. Even on the worst day, life is a pretty spectacular thing.”

Justin was the first person to clap. And the first person to stand up. He had earned it. Together they had made it. They would continue make it together. 

“I would like to make a toast,” Matt said, making everyone take a pause in eating. The boys had spent the afternoon with their friends while Matt and Laine enjoyed an afternoon together. They had gone to Monet's and had a rare lunch date. Sitting there, they couldn’t remember the last time they even had a date. As they ate their coffee shop sandwiches with their lattes, they reminisced over the last 18 years of their lives. They couldn’t believe they had made it to this point. The soccer games, academic decathlons, science fairs, and now, over the last two years, funerals, rehabs, and mental health issues. But they had made it. Together, they held strong. And their boys had made it too. When Justin had come back from rehab, he said over and over, and more than once to Matt during their morning coffees that he was surviving; that that was his goal. Each day was a fight for survival. “To my boys. You challenged us. You made us grow. You opened our eyes. And you expanded our hearts. We are so proud of you.” 

Matt and Laine held up their wine glasses, Justin and Clay their waters. Everyone had smiles and laughter, and the food was aplenty. After a full breakfast, and lunch, Matt had ordered takeout for their celebratory dinner. Thai. Everyone’s favorite. And it wasn’t meant to be a fancy affair, and no one wanted one. It was just meant to be a celebration for the entire family. 

Justin was the first to dig into his food. Since the first day he came into the house, he and food have had a love affair no one could get in between. Matt figured it out once that it wasn’t so much that he was a teenage boy, it was that he never had a lot of food growing up. Once he had understood that about Justin, he made sure Laine knew to keep his favorites always stocked in the house. They never ran out of frozen waffles, coffee, pop tarts, and grapes. He ate more grapes than either of them had ever seen. It made them laugh how often and how many times they had to make quick runs to the grocery store to pick up more grapes to get them into the house before they ran out. But his love affair with food was endless, including tonight. Clay broke him from his focus on the food. 

“So, I also want to say,” Clay began. He didn’t hold up his water glass, but instead just looked around the table. His dad to his right, mom to his left. His brother, Justin sat directly across from him. “I want to thank you all. I know I didn’t make this easy, but, thank you. Thank you for supporting me and not giving up on me. Mom, Dad, you guys have been everything I could have asked for and I would not have become the person I am today without you. Justin, man ... Justin, I hated you.” Everyone at the table laughed and looked at each other with smiles on their faces because they all knew it was true. “I didn’t know I wanted a brother until that day at Monet’s. You’ve saved my life and each day, I am glad you’re my brother.” 

Justin smirked back at Clay, and gave him a slight nod. Clay smirked back. Brothers, always. 

“I guess I should say something too,” Justin sighed. He appeared to not want to say anything, but since becoming a Jensen, he had learned how to voice his opinions and his feelings without the fear of being tossed aside, or worse, beat up. Breaking down that wall had taken a lot of energy and patience from everyone in the house. When he first came to the Jensen house, he was quiet and scared; a lifetime of loneliness and fear of reprisals for just wanting to have a normal life. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully say thank you to you all. You changed my life; and you saved my life. Clay for getting me off the streets, and you both, mom and dad for taking me in and making me,” he paused for a second. He thought about his words for a second. “And for making me your son. This place, you guys, will always be home.” 

The air in the room hung for a moment as the words from Justin and Clay sank in. Matt and Laine looked across the table and their eyes connected. When they got married 20 years prior, they never imagined their lives would end up like this. But the journey had been worth it. This moment, this day, all of the challenges had amounted to two incredible young men. They could see the moistness in each other’s eyes and sent the other an affectionate look. 

Soon the mood returned to laughter and conversations on the plans for the rest of the celebrations, summer work, and visiting the grandparents for the last summer before college. Justin couldn’t wait to spend some time in the country and relax and play with the cousins. Before Justin, Clay had grown to be less-than excited about the visit, but he’d turned him around. He was had become, once again, excited to spend some time with his grandparents. And with Justin. 

*****

The summer seemed to fly by. Justin kept working extra hours to save money for school. His parents assured him he didn’t need to, but he had a conviction that he needed to help his own journey. The boys spent some time together; usually back on the pier having pizza and conversations. It was as if that chilly night so many months ago had brought them even closer. And while Clay had managed to get himself into UCLA, Justin was going to be staying in Evergreen and going to Sanderson. They knew it was going to be difficult being apart from each other, but promised to text and Facetime as often as they could. 

And the family was excited for them both. Laine had been extra involved in Clay planning for his first dorm room. He was dragging his feet like usual and Justin uber excited about all the little details. Justin had decided to stay in the outhouse for the first year. When he made that announcement one night at dinner, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Clay had especially been worried about him living with crazy college roommates while still in the early days of his sobriety. Justin knew it too. 

As July turned to August, Clay began packing in earnest. On the first Saturday in August, Clay spent the day running around town buying all the toiletries and school supplies he thought he might need. Justin spent the day at Monet’s. In the middle of the day, Laine sent a group text, “Tonight. Movie, pizza, popcorn. Be there.” She knew that both boys would roll their eyes when they opened it, and that feeling was confirmed when the first response she received was a gif of someone banging their head on the desk. Yeah, she had raised her boys right.

Justin got home from work before Clay and he walked into a disaster of a room. To Justin, it appeared Clay had done some packing, unpacking, and re-organizing; and all of it was on the floor in their space. Clay had finally joined him in messy-living style. Justin stepped over the mess and slipped his coffee-smell-stained shirt off as he plopped down onto his bed. He looked out over the mess and rolled his eyes. He knew Clay, wherever he was, hated to have the room look like this. He was probably feeling more tension by just walking out of the door and leaving it a mess. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and began doom-scrolling, taking his eyes off the mess around him. There was a part of him that wished he was packing to leave just like Clay, but he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to leave home after just finding it. He enjoyed the stability and the comfort. It allowed him to be challenged in the other areas of his life and continue to work and focus solely on his sobriety. It was not something he was willing to sacrifice. 

A knock on the door took him out of his trance. “Come in!” he shouted. He expected Laine and Matt to come in with more items for Clay to pack. Tony’s head peeking around the corner was the last thing he thought he would look up to see. 

Justin immediately put his hands up, “Before you accuse me of anything, none of this is my mess. This is courtesy of the one-and-only Clay.” 

His eyes rolled around the room. “I have to hand it to you Foley. Shit, Jensen. You’ve rubbed off on Clay.” 

“I don’t know if that’s a compliment or a dig,” Justin laughed. He watched as Tony walked around the piles of stuff to find a small place on Clay’s bed opposite Justin. “Looking for Clay?” 

Tony’s eyes continued to look around the room, taking in each little detail. Justin watched him closely. “Actually, I’m glad it’s just you.” Tony leaned forward and put his hands together in typical Tony-fashion. “Jensen, you and I were never close. But you’re my best friend’s brother.” He looked up, and directly into Justin’s eyes. He locked on for a moment. “And fuck man, he loves you. And needs you. Please take care of him.” 

Justin sat forward and put his phone down beside him giving Tony his full attention. “Tony, man,” he began. “Before I came along, you stood by Clay and helped him through shit. You’ll always be his best friend. But I promise you, I’ll always be there too. For him. And you.” 

Tony nodded and received the promise with gratitude in his heart and peace in his soul. It was short and sweet. Tony stood up and made his way for the door. Justin followed him out the door as Tony pulled his car keys out of his pocket. 

“You don’t want to wait for Clay? I’m sure he’ll be back in a bit,” Justin said. Tony popped the door open and reached inside. Justin watched, unsure what he couldn possibly be grabbing. He stood back up with a folded piece of paper and walked back towards Justin. 

“Nah,” Tony said. When he reached Justin back near the front of his car, he held out the paper. “Can you give this to Clay when he gets back?” Justin saw the look in his eyes. It was sadness and joy. Grief and excitement. Tony and Clay were best friends. And suddenly, Justin realized, this was his good-bye. Tony was headed off to college, a boxer, and he was leaving and had prepared to say good-bye to his best friend. 

Justin instinctively stuck out his hand to which Tony placed the wrinkled lined school paper. Justin’s eyes remained focused on the note, saddened that Tony was leaving, and in a way, Justin was now Clay’s number one. Tony had done his job. “Sure you don’t want to wait for him?” By the time he finished asking, Tony was already back at the driver-side door. 

“Nah, it’s better this way,” he stated. “Take care of yourself, Jensen.” He pulled the door shut, fired up the engine, and pulled away. Justin stood on the sidewalk, watching his bright red rocket get farther and farther away, until he turned the corner and was gone out of sight. The only thing left was the letter in his hand. 

Justin was back doing nothing and relaxing on his bed by the time Clay got back from his latest shopping spree. He looked up at him and gave him a look of shock with a bit of a joking smirk on his face. “Don’t start,” Clay defended himself, holding up his hands. “I got started and it got a bit out of hand.” 

“I’ll say,” Justin laughed as he pulled off his shirt and tossed it into a pile, which was basically the entire floor at this point. “Ready for family night?” 

“It’s always family night around here,” Clay joked. Justin laughed in return. His eyes were tired and he smelled like coffee, but he was happy. 

“I’m going to miss it,” Justin stated out of the blue. 

“Miss what?” Clay asked without taking his eyes off the work in front of him. 

“This.” 

“Yeah,” Clay agreed, without much conviction, although he was ready to leave a lot of this behind. “I don’t know if I’ll miss any of this. But, you know what I will miss? I’ll miss you. This. Having a brother.” 

“You know we used to hate each other right?” Justin joked. Even though he unequivocally, and privately felt the exact same way. 

“I didn’t hate you,” Clay countered which earned him a stern look from Justin because they both knew it wasn’t true. “Okay, so I did.” 

“But things change,” Justin said. “They always change.” Justin was evidence of that. No matter how hard you try, change comes sometimes in an instant or slowly, like a drop of rain rolling down a leaf into the ground feeding the tree and supporting life. Things always change. 

Clay continued to move items from one pile to the next and Justin was of no help. He stood up and unwrinkled his white undershirt. “I’m going to go inside and get some dinner. Want anything?” 

Without even thinking, Clay waved him off. There was too much to do and the mess was driving him crazy. As Justin started to walk out of the room, he turned and held out the piece of paper to Clay. 

“What’s this?” Clay asked, taking the folded up piece of high school notebook paper from him. “A confession?” 

Justin laughed. “Shut the fuck up, Jensen. Tony dropped it off for you.” 

He looked at him with questioning eyes and Justin raised his hands in refutation that he didn’t know anything about anything. 

The door closed behind him leaving Clay to his packing and the letter in his hand. His eyes surveyed the room, and he definitely wanted a break. He looked at the paper in his hands and flipped it open. It was Tony’s handwriting. 

Clay - 

We’ve been through a lot of shit. But you stood by me and I will always stand by you. I still can not believe I’m off to college. WTF is that? I’m scared I won’t be enough. But maybe more scared that there is limitless potential ahead. 

He slowly sat down onto the edge of his bed and kept reading. 

You are my best friend Clay. I will never forget the challenges we have faced together. I know, no matter what, we can both overcome anything. 

Keep Justin close. He will always be there for you. Just like me. 

Be well.

-T (Your Unhelpful Yoda) 

He wiped his eyes. His feet were on the ground as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, re-reading Tony’s words. Sitting in Tony’s car flashed in his brain. He spent hours in that car, especially after Hannah. And he knew he would not have survived if it hadn’t been for Tony. And without Tony, Justin would not have become his brother. 

He put the letter down and looked out over the mess he had created. It was not all that dissimilar than his own life in many ways, but in many others, his life was perfect. In that moment, he understood. Jumping over all the piles and boxes, he hurried out of the room, pulling the door closed behind him. He took the back stairs two-at-a-time and found Justin rummaging through the refrigerator. He wrapped his arms around him from behind and didn’t say a word. Nothing needed to be said. 

The mess in the room soon became organized into boxes and containers, ready for his new dorm. Justin helped as he could, but Clay had his way. Matt and Laine helped with pizza and soda. 

But when it came time to pack the car, they all helped. Somehow Clay had convinced mom and dad to not make the trip, and instead agreed to let it be a boys trip and let Justin drive him down. It was a small victory. 

Laine put a bag of snacks into the back seat and slipped a note into his backpack. 

Matt put the last bag into the trunk and slammed it shut. 

Justin stood by the driver’s side door, and watched as Matt stepped forward and pulled Clay into one of his strong fatherly hugs. Clay leaned his head into his shoulder and stood there for a moment, unwavering. Laine stood off to the side, watching them both. As they broke their embrace, Matt held on, looked him in the eyes and said something Justin couldn’t hear. He couldn’t imagine the feeling a parent must go through when their child goes off to college away from home. It must be sad and gut wrenching but also something like, proud and excited, he thought. 

For a moment, Laine and Clay looked at each other. Justin had grown incredibly fond of this crew; Clay, Matt, Laine, this was his family, and from today forward, it would never be the same. Laine held out her arms and Clay walked into them. She was always full of love, even when she was being tough. She never let go of her boys, not once. She gripped the side of his face and Justin could tell she whispered, “I love you.” Amber flashed through his mind as he watched. She would be so proud of him right now, even if she never thought it would be possible; whether due to their circumstances or if she thought he wasn’t actually good enough. It didn’t matter anymore. It was moments like these where a wave of gratefulness would sweep over him like a wave crashing against the rocks in the ocean. And he knew he would never let any of them down. Not mom. Not dad. Not his brother. And not Amber. 

Clay opened the passenger door as Justin climbed in and started the car. Clay stood there for a moment, looking at the house and then mom and dad. Justin fumbled around with the settings while he waited, and finally, Clay pulled the door shut and settled into his seat. 

“Let’s go,” Clay directed. Justin slipped the car into reverse and pulled out of the driveway. He took it slow so Clay’s bags and boxes wouldn’t fly everywhere, and as he put the car into drive, Clay turned, and waved at mom and dad, standing in the middle of the driveway, waving back. 

They turned the corner and off they were. Justin drove past The Crestmont on their way out of town. He turned before they reached Monet’s on their to the highway. And before he knew it, the car was flying down the road, taking the boys on a new adventure. 

“Do you remember the day you came to find me in Oakland?” Justin asked with the only sound in the background was the sound of the air whistling by their open windows. 

“Of course I do,” Clay answered. “I honestly did not think we would find you, it was so crazy that we even tried.” 

Just that thought made Justin laugh. “I am amazed you found me, too,” he agreed. “But also, grateful.” 

The sound of the air filled their silence. Justin’s hands gripped the wheel and his eyes were focused on the road ahead. “I remember the night you texted me and said you needed me. I was ready to go. I was on my way out. But you needed me. So I came back. And somehow, I never left again. You changed my life Clay.” 

Tears welled up in Justin’s eyes thinking about what might have been. But what was, while rocky and challenging and mixed with disaster, was perfect. 

“It’s not supposed to be easy for people like us. We are meant to go through shit and make it out alive,” Clay stated. 

“We will make it out, together,” Justin said. 

The hills of the west scrolled by their windows, the sun beating down on the world below. One side of the hills were lit up and the other side dark. The mountaintops and the valleys. It was all out there. The dreams and the failures. And them. 

Two brothers. Two souls. Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and enjoying this alternate ending. I have loved creating this better ending for our favorite brothers. 
> 
> I am currently going to take a break from long-form and work on a children's book idea! So, if you want to stay up to date on that crazy project and a future 13RW idea, [check out my website and sign up to get my awesome news. ](https://www.richarddedor.com/13-reasons-why-by-richard-dedor)
> 
> Much love!


End file.
